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thisjustin
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 11:49 am    Post subject: My son has been dressing in his mom's clothes Reply with quote

God. What now. Last night my ex-wife walked in on my son while he was dressed in her swimsuit. He had taken some of her underclothes in the past. I guess for sexual fantasy stimulation prior to masturbation? Not sure. Of course he was totally embarassed and depressed over being seen. we think him not gay since he has been to porn sites on the computer featuring women. But also he has visited this hentai cartoon pokemon kinda sex sights. I guess I am wondering if this has anything to do with Aspergers or is just your typical/atypical sexual nuttyness that some adolescents have? thanks. perplexed dad.

Last edited by thisjustin on Thu May 22, 2008 7:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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AnonymousAnonymous
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi,

How old is your son?
If he is old enough to know better, then it's just sexual nuttyness.
Does your son have his eye on someone at school?
He may be embarrased to talk about his fantasies with both you & your ex-wife,
so it may be best to sit him down and talk to him through mediation.

It will be just you & your son. No one else.
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 12:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lots of men have a fetish for wearing women's undergarments. It's not uncommon, and it doesn't mean your son is gay. In fact, the majority of men who have this fetish are straight. You can trust me on this - fetishes are one of my obsessions.
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sinsboldly
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 12:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know folks that dress in Medieval garb and go whack at each other with rattan swords, their kids do too. It is just fun and they like to pretend.

I think your biggest problem is your attitude of "God. What now."
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 12:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, having been one of those boys who used to dress in his mom's clothing in secret...

Here's what I want to tell you without dragging it out into one of my looooong posts Wink

No one here is going to be able to tell you what your son is doing and why.
Don't take people's words here as a 'diagnosis' for your son.
If people suggest things that sound like they might be something you and your family could try, then do it.
Otherwise don't let anyone here tell you your son is ______ or that he is only doing this because ______.

Crossdressing can stem from so many different issues, only you and your family can work this out.

Here's some things I would consider...

His age
His upbringing... religion, family relations, medical issues...

He could just be experimenting in a manner that stems from his own curiosity, some issue with his mother, some issue with his father, something he saw on the internet, the way he is accepted and treated by friends and at school, there are too many possibilities to pin down on a forum like this.

I have spent my entire life wearing women's clothing in secret... my mom's and sister's at first just like your son.
I have no idea if his reasons are anywhere close to my reasons for doing so.. and at 40+ yrs old, I am just now beginning to take a decent look at myself and the 'why's' of my behavior.

I know that the worst thing to happen to me in regards to my crossdressing/sexuality questioning/gender confused self was for me to hide it from those I loved.
I lived in constant fear all my life.. seriously... that I would be caught doing this 'terrible' behavior and that my family would disown me.
Maybe it's because I was adopted?
Maybe it's because I had no real male role models in my life?
Maybe it's because my birth mother had a testosterone spike while I was still in the womb?
Maybe I was molested and suffered trauma from that?

I honestly cannot say at this time.

BUT.. I can say that the damage I did to myself.. my self esteem, by hiding and fearing and HATING what I was doing, was so damaging that it's been hard on every relationship I have ever wanted with women.

My recommendation would be to not chastise him.. .do not embarrass him... do not assume he has some mental disorder and needs a cure either through religion or psychiatric treatment.

Talk to him, but do not be too pushy at first.
If he is old enough and mature enough in your opinion, help him understand your concerns without laying a guilt trip on him.
Let him know that what he's doing is not going to 'bring down the family'.. that is.. if you can truthfully say that.
Unfortunately, I have seen people turn against their own children and children turn against their own parent when news of things like crossdressing come out.

His reaction, as you describe it, makes me think he is holding some shame over this behavior.
He may find some relief and feel pretty good while he's dressing up (and for those of you who do not know from personal experience... it's not ALWAYS sexual... guys are NOT always masturbating when dressed up!).
Yet, even feeling those good things, he might still be feeling shameful because in our society.. men dressing in women's clothing is seen as horrid, dirty, kinky, etc.

Hell, even here on wrong planet we have folks who speak of locking up and/or killing transvestites... that's really sad.

So understand that although, from my point-of-view, your son's actions may not be harmful to anyone, he probably understands that the general feeling in our society is that he is sick, perverted, broken, not-a-man, etc.
His self-esteem could be pretty low.
The more he hides all this and feels fear from getting caught at it... the more he's likely to take all that and express it in another manner.

I used to have fits of rage when I was hiding it and telling myself how bad a person I was because I could not stop it.
I never turned that anger towards another person... which I'm really thankful for because I have put my fist into a couple of windshields and cracked them without breaking my hands, among other things I've hit and kicked, and to hit a person that hard would have caused some serious damage.
I would have found it quite hard to live with the fact that I took my anger/rage out on another person if I had ever done so.

Anyway, once I finally came out about all this gender stuff, the weight was taken from my shoulders.
Even my daughter noticed that for the last few years I have not had any more of this fits.

It was eating me up inside, and I do hope this does not happen to your son.

Love him, let him know that you do, if his behavior concerns you then perhaps seek some neutral place and person to discuss this with either separately or together.
Do not make him feel bad about this.
You do not have to like him doing this, but you also should separate the behavior from the person if you do.

Okay.. I ran on again.. sorry.

I do wish you well for your son, and your family.
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AspE
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When my little brother was about 4, he used to sneak upstairs and dress up in a long red dress, and then come down and do a funny dance for us. It was hilarious!

Sometimes he would dress up in a suit and tie and make weird movements, a natural comedian. Now he's in college and getting more girl action than me...

But seriously, human behavior is more varied than most people like to admit. There is no "normal".
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nontrivial
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Truth be told, I did this sort of thing when I was a kid as well. I can't say whether it's AS-related or not; I think in my case it was curiosity about all things having to do with the opposite sex. It was a brief phase that I got through without any embarrassments (thank God). I'm a straight guy, pretty "normal" as far as gender and sexual identity is concerned.

I think if I were a parent and caught my son doing this, I'd probably just steer clear of the gender/sexual issues entirely (no need to make my kid feel more embarrassed or freakish than he already feels) and instead make a firm statement that it's not acceptable to go through other people's clothes (let alone try them on) without their permission. That's a fact, it doesn't stigmatize the kid (whose behavior could very well just be the result of natural curiosity that comes with growing up), and it should stamp out the behavior.

My two cents.
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thisjustin
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:20 pm    Post subject: Thank you all! Reply with quote

Gosh. I had no idea i would get a response at all and so quick. and from such caring people. already your replys have set my mind at ease. my son is 17 and i love him very much. he doesn't say much unless its about video Wii or Magic the Gathering. My purpose of asking about his dress up behavior was so that i could help him in the best way possible. life is quirky i know. i am an example, lol. but i want to help my son over as many obstacles as i can while i am around. i certainly wouldn't allow this to change our relationship. and his mom actually is the same and gave a very non-excited kind of reaction to having seen him. since he is socially very reluctant (aspergers stuff i suppose) and zero experience with girls (shy, scared, who knows) i don't want him to feel isolated or self degrading. thank you all.
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serenity
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like wsmac's post. The only thing that I have to add is that no matter what you do, do not make your son feel ashamed of himself. I will not lie, I'd be deeply concerned if it were my son, but I'd like to think that I could set that aside for the sake of his self-esteem. What your son is doing is not in, and of itself a symptom of psychotic/sociopathic behavior, but the hate, and shame from being degraded, and humiliated by it could turn into one.

I know you didn't ask about this, but I'm gonna put my 2 cents in, and you can disregard if you'd like, but I'd be more concerned about his on-line porn viewing then the cross-dressing stuff. There's alot of really sick stuff for a teenage boy to be seeing on-line prior to even having a good grasp as to what sex even is about.
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

IdahoRose wrote:
Lots of men have a fetish for wearing women's undergarments. It's not uncommon, and it doesn't mean your son is gay. In fact, the majority of men who have this fetish are straight. You can trust me on this - fetishes are one of my obsessions.


Lots of men?

Not uncommon?

Are you encouraging this kid to blossom into a sexual deviant? Transvestism in early childhood sure doesn't indicate normality. This father is very correct to be nervous. This boy should be in therapy or counselling, not playing dress-up with Mommy's lipstick &l ingerie. That just isn't healthy behaviour for a child.
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Venger
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

serenity wrote:
I like wsmac's post. The only thing that I have to add is that no matter what you do, do not make your son feel ashamed of himself. I will not lie, I'd be deeply concerned if it were my son, but I'd like to think that I could set that aside for the sake of his self-esteem. What your son is doing is not in, and of itself a symptom of psychotic/sociopathic behavior, but the hate, and shame from being degraded, and humiliated by it could turn into one.



Sociopaths are bisexual and sometimes cross-dressers.
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tailfins1959
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There is scripture specifically against this. It it immoral behavior. You should treat is as such, the same as if you caught him drunk, lying or smoking dope.
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Last edited by tailfins1959 on Wed May 21, 2008 1:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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slowmutant
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If I prevent my (hypothetical) son from ever knowing shame, would that make him a good person?

Shame exists for a reason.

Sometimes it is very good that a person feels shame. If my parents had raised me to believe I could do no wrong (which they did not) what kind of an adult would I have become? Well-adjusted or completely psychotic?

We really really need to examine the cause & effect relaionship between this boy's pyschological makeup and his behaviours.

Think of all the nutjobs and serial killers who could have turned out as healthy people if the family had known how to help them as children.
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tailfins1959
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

slowmutant wrote:
If I prevent my (hypothetical) son from ever knowing shame, would that make him a good person?

Shame exists for a reason.



Because of my Aspergers, it is very difficult for me to feel shame. Thankfully, I was raised going to a good old fashioned Fundamentalist church. A good Bible reading clearly communicates what sin is and its consequences.
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Yeah with all of these men lining up to get neutered
It's hip now to be feminized
I don't highlight my hair
I've still got a pair
Yeah honey, I'm still a guy
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slowmutant
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed it does.
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