Church

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I recently blogged about what we are doing to make going to Church easier for Heidi.

http://leechbabe.wordpress.com/2008/08/ ... to-church/

Tomorrow Pastor is doing the Childrens Address based on the book All Cats Have Aspergers Syndrome. We asked him to do a Childrens Address as this is done in the Church just before the children leave for Sunday School, this way all the adults in the Church will also hear and hopefully listen.

Do you find sometimes people hear what you are saying but don't actually listen? Like one guy at Church that keeps telling me just to smack Heidi and she will learn to behave. It is getting harder to resist the urge to smack him and then ask if he feels like he will now behave in a more Christian manner.


Working hard to set up a community of understanding / supportive families and friends around us and I know that our Church is one avenue to do this.

And yet here I am terrified that perhaps educating people is not the right way to go. God I hope this does not backfire badly, I just want to make my little girls life the best it can be and build up the strongest support group I can around her. So far educating people has been a really positive experience with family, pre-school teachers and our friends but what if this is the time that it all goes terribly wrong.

Okay I'm rambling now. Sorry just need to talk to people who will understand.

Do you find sometimes people hear what you are saying but don't actually listen?

...all the time, they seem like they're listening but it just goes in one ear and out the other, no brains in between you see.

Hope it goes well Heidi, the pastor sounds like he's got a good idea there. I'm not a parent so don't know anything much about that bit.

I think that people hear, and often try to listen, but lack the background and context of the way the autistic brain works, and so they don't actually get it. I reckon, it probably takes at least 2-3 hours of information until people get it. Now, how often do you actually get 2-3 hours to explain autism to some random person? Zilch, right? The people who understand are usually our friends and family who, out of interest in us, want to listen, and usually get their 2-3 hours worth in small windows over a period of time.

Is it frustrating? - yes!! But, to be honest, I would probably be just as ignorant if my child was NT and not AS. I guess we can just keep drip-feeding it and hope people start latching on.

Re church . . . we have some issues too. Sat the whole of last Sunday in the baby's room (with a window through to the audi), because AS son was noise sensitive. He can usually handle sitting in church, but some weeks are difficult with juggling an 8, 6 and 4 yr old!! Oh, well . . . the main thing is that they get the message of what Jesus and church is all about, which is more important than behaviour issues, if you ask me.

for my part, don't apologize, just relax and let me serve you.

1. church may never work for her social needs. Aspies have to create special social networks to meet their own needs and thats what you will have to support sooner or later. If some guy in church is giving you a negative vibe?
A. Talk to the pastor about it.
B. Talk to the pastor and the guy about it, and bring a nice batch of facts.
C. Invite the guy to come let me set him straight. I'll be happy to do that with him here or my place, but my place would be more neutral.
D. Realize that maybe this is a good sign the guy doesn't get the idea of church-
go look for a church that does get the idea of church.

2. controlling an aspie means figuring out how to bring the force of attention into phase. You can never control an aspie via
negative re-enforcement as they have already been forced to write humanity in general off as a lost cause.

3. Pavlovand his successors proved that negative re-enforcement doesn't work even with NTs.
or dogs.

IMHO education is never a bad thing- you just have no control over the intelligence, biases or personality of the people who are going to be receiving it. I would at all times steer clear of the guy who recommends you just smack your child or confront him in a loving, Christian way

We attend a large church and have always been nervous about who/what I tell about my son (he's 11 now) and we've been very lucky to have caring, responsive people who are looking out for him.

I think you do your kids and the people trying to deal with them a disservice by not giving them a little bit of info. that might help them. If people are going to be dealing with my son they do need to know why he is always looking at the floor and seemingly not listening (he is listening he just doesn't want to look at you while he's doing it) OR why he needs to pace (because it is a calming thing and he can think better that way)

Now that his is 11 he will have to sit with us in the service (no more Sunday school) but they have a program on Wednesday nights for kids his age - it's a little more crowded, chaotic and unstructured than I would like but we contacted several people running the group and introduced my son to them when we dropped him off. They all know who he is and are sort of looking out for him - makes me feel a little less worried when he's there. He went this Wednesday and had a wonderful time!

Good Luck

There are many places we won't take my son, because I know it would be uncomfortable for both him, and the people around him. Farmer's markets, movie theaters and nice restaurants are a few. In a few years he might be able to handle them better. He may never be able to. But I don't push it. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to the people who have to listen to him scream.

Maybe it's just not the right time yet, perhaps wait a few years and try again?

model the reality models of that and other systems and put them within reach for self education.

wait for curiousity and maturity to fall into phase.

feed it and water it and nurture it.

watch it grow.

You can't force somebody to dig a paradigm and if you try all you get is rebellion.

You can expose them to it and if you are fair to a large open minded spectrum of things,
and provide other stuff also, then you are just an information service to the child and then the child chooses.

that takes enormous patience esp as big a deal as some people put on church and spirituality from that direction.
But theres nothing to be gained from forcing something which can't be forced.

Thank you all for the comments.

We attend a fairly small church and have gone there for a years (in hubby's case, since birth). We stopped going about 12 months ago because it was overwhelming for Heidi. But she seems ready to get out and be with people more often now.

I started off slowly, visiting the Church during the week when it was quiet, talking about the songs (she loves the songs) and where we could sit during the service. We went back a few more times when the craft group was on and talked about different things people can do at Church.

Heidi is happy to go to Church now, she has made friends with some of the older girls and runs to them away from me if she spots them. Actually that caused a heart stopping moment at the shopping centre / mall recently as Heidi spotted Rachael (I didn't) and let go of my hand and I thought she'd run away, but no Heidi was running to Rachael friend.

I want Heidi to be comfortable being herself all the time and that means at Church also. She shouldn't have to force herself into some narrow box to make the other people attending church feel comfortable.

Maybe they will never 100% see the amazing kid I see but hopefully they will understand more about why she does certain things like rubbing her face against the baptism font (smooth cold glass her fav. texture) or crying out in fear when the organ hits a high note. I think the organ is our biggest problem at Church, it does get rather loud.

Admittedly it is much easier now that Heidi can go to Sunday School so she is only in the Church proper for a short period of time. Sunday School is fun, I know because Heidi herself told me. Plus we have from the first day of Sunday School set up a space for her to escape if Sunday School stops being fun. Sunday School is held in a carpeted room, there is no loud music, class never has more than 10 children and we've got a one on one helper for Heidi at every session (those teenage girls she adores).