I am really frustrated with my life... any insight?

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Ok, where to start... I am an only child. My mother almost certainly has AS/HFA because she did not talk until she was four, rocks constantly, and talks way, way, way too much. Until I was in elementary school, I worshiped her completely. She is the kindest, most attentive mother anyone could ever ask for. However, in elementary school I was exposed to other kids and I saw how uptight she was. She would almost never let me spend the night out, and on the rare occasion she did, I would have to beg her for an hour and eventually I just gave up. My social life was off and on in elementary school. I did have friends, but their character was questionable. Sometimes they made fun of me, etc. In junior high, the size of the school increased by four times and I was overwhelmed by so many things. I was overweight, very frustrated by my mother, and bitter. In seventh grade, I don't think I hung out with a friend outside of school the entire year.

In eighth grade, I lost a lot of weight and made some friends. I had a much better attitude towards myself and it was a pretty good year. However, in 9th grade I had a big falling out with a lot of my friends, due to a couple of instances of dishonesty, one involving me and one involving one of my best friends. By that time I had become very sick of most of the people I was with. This started a trend that recurs to this day, where I will get close to people, begin to think that maybe I don't like them, and pull away into isolation for a while. I have always been extremely talented in all kinds of ways, especially intellectual things. In 9th grade I decided to try really hard in school for the first time to see how well I could do. The answer turned out to be very well. For the rest of high school, I mostly buried myself in work - school work and athletics. I had a lot of success in both. I got myself a girlfriend junior year, a very nice girl, and we spent a lot of time together for the rest of high school. The rest of my social life was non-existent other than hanging out with my athlete friends at practice and at meets. But, I was pretty happy. I had a huge ego thanks to my academic and athletic achievements, and I had a girlfriend. What else could I want?

So I worked my ass off and got into a great college in a big city far from home. I thought that at an elite college I would find people "just like me" - basically egomaniacs who take everything extremely seriously and deliberately eschew any attempts to fit in. Of course, I was hugely disappointed. Many of my freshman year teachers were noticeably less competent than my high school teachers, and most of the kids were more interested in looking cool, partying, or acing their classes to become ibankers than doing anything "real." At least that's how I perceived it. I stayed with my HS girlfriend and basically did not socialize at all freshman year. I mean I hung out with a few guys on my hall from time to time, but the vast majority of my social intimacy took the form of long phone calls with my girlfriend or dad.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I thought everything would fall into place. I had the idea of being a physics major, mostly out of ego (I've always thought scientists command great respect). I realized in the first week of the advanced physics class I'd been placed into not only that I was in over my head but also that the material wasn't even particularly interesting to me. I also realized that I wasn't nearly as politically liberal as I thought I was. At this point, my entire sense of self started to come undone. I started skipping classes, which I never thought I would do. I developed a nasty procrastination habit. I became overwhelmed by tasks as simple as making my twin bed and keeping my dorm organized. I started watching a ton of porn and binge eating in my room. And then the **** really hit the fan when I discovered marijuana.

I was extremely judgmental of everyone around me, and I was very bored. I wanted to isolate and entertain myself. So, I started smoking weed. A lot of weed. I fell in love with it from the first time I got high, and within 8 months I was smoking every day. This continued for two years. I tried all kinds of drugs. I did a good bit of LSD. I became obsessed with expanding my consciousness. I had the biggest ego in the world but lurking underneath was a very powerful sense of insecurity just waiting to explode. I had some friends from freshman year but they were pretty crappy people (as it seems like my friends often have been). There was a lot of lying and behind-the-back trash talking going on, and I became very socially paranoid. I took a year of from school because I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I had to go home. I calmed down at home but I continued smoking weed and became even lazier than ever before. By this time I was also struggling with issues of sexuality... and I'd also learned about AS. I have always had EXTREME special interests, fairly awkward social skills (not too bad, but definitely not great), lack of concern for personal appearance, sensory sensitivities, and so many of the other symptoms. It seemed pretty obvious that I was an aspie.

I was sober almost all last semester thanks to AA meetings. AA really helped me, but it also scared me because it made me feel crazy, damaged, and old. After I had about 100 days of sobriety, I decided to smoke again, with no real desire to moderate. I am so talented and there are so many things I want to pursue - music, philosophy, writing - but I am too scared to do anything, too frozen. I just feel like this robot that is stuck in a cloud of apathy, anxiety, and drug addiction. So far this semester I'm way behind in my reading, as usual, and I haven't done much of anything productive other than go to class and fix up my apartment. No music, no writing... WHY? WHY DO I NOT DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO? WHY DO I DESTROY MYSELF BY DOING DRUGS, LYING ABOUT IT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND GENERALLY THINKING ONLY ABOUT WORST CASE SCENARIOS 24/7?

I am in therapy. The AS question was driving me crazy so in February I went to an AS expert for a diagnosis. She asked for a "history of my illness" and I wrote her a massive treatise on all of my symptoms, which unfortunately made her think I was trying to convince her I have AS (although she admitted that the fact that I wrote that many details all but proved that I do have AS... go figure). Also, my dad told her my childhood was relatively normal, thus she was hesitant to diagnose me, although she did not rule it out. We focused on CBT stuff which didn't help at all because I was just too anxious to follow any of the schedules we made. After a while I blew off a couple of appointments having gotten drunk/high the night before and she transferred me to a guy who specializes in AS and addiction. He has been very helpful, and says I should quit focusing on the diagnosis. He says I could very well have AS but I'm on the fence and I'm definitely one of his most high functioning patients.

So, why do I care about the AS diagnosis and why am I writing this? Basically, I wanted a diagnosis (or lack thereof) because more than anything over the last few years I have been CONFUSED and SCARED. Am I going crazy (schizo)? Am I a drug addict? Why did I fall apart completely in college? Am I just a weak, spoiled kid who moved too far from home? Why have I been so anxious throughout my life? Why am I self-destructing instead of fulfilling my potential? Why do I associate with less-than-savory people so much of the time when I view myself as a kind, understanding, honest person?

I realize this is all over the place... I just had to vent today. I'm so frustrated... I used to be confident to a fault and now I feel like a helpless child. I know I need to get my substance use under control (or eliminated entirely), and I know that I have to do things that make me feel good about myself (music, writing), and also be spiritually conscious... but is it that simple? And if so, WHY CAN'T I SIMPLY DO THOSE THINGS? Why can't I just organize my life and stick to a simple plan? The anxiety is unbearable, and when you factor in a moody girlfriend, my perfectionism, drugs, gender and sexual identity problems, intrusive thoughts... not to mention the fact that tons of my friends from HS are ****ing up very badly and my parents marriage is an extremely cold one despite the fact that I love them dearly...

Any thoughts or encouragement would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks so much WPers... whether or not I'm an "aspie" or not (deep down I know what I am, and I don't care what label you put on it), there are people here who know what it's like to be confused and struggling to keep your **** together on a daily basis and for that I'm so thankful.

A lot of us are frustrated with our propensity for talent but our inability to carry through with it. It's just one of those things. Lack of people in our life that our supportive of our uniqueness gives us a lack of organization. Your story sounds familiar and I see a lot of people on the higher functioning end of the spectrum go through this.

Only you can learn how to channel your abilities and talents. It may take awhile and you might need to make some mistakes. Think of it this way, we learn better and smarter with the mistakes we make. We thrive on learning the hard way.

I am almost 40 and am just now finding my bliss and where my talents should be channeled. Guess what? It has nothing to do with what my degree is in. Well, it does a little bit, but it's sort of the ultimate adaptation and modification of my degree.

I have faith that everyone can find that if they keep working for it. You just have to keep following the roads that you're led down and stop banging your head against the wall when you make mistakes or when it looks like you've taken a wrong turn. Think of everything as a learning experience.

Your rant was well written, very articulate, and well...fascinating. Could you just continue on with this post in a journal, or heaven forbid, maybe for possible publishing?
As for the identity crisis, not to worry, it's part of the college experience. It's the time when young people experiment with what they want and who they are. It's completely normal.
With the drugs, a lot of people have found they just have to out-grow them. Or you may find you enjoy other things that conflict with the drugs and something has got to go.

Drugs are for old people, when you've got a lot of pain or whatever. When you're young you need to be going somewhere, people expect you to be alert and active.

Your story just sounds like a coming of age story really. It's not unusual for AS people (or any kind of people) to fall apart at 'transition' periods. I floundered. Basically you need to earn money and be self supporting so you need to go in that direction. I gave up MJ when I was in my early thirties as I needed to focus on career. Now I'm 50 and my working life is over so I smoke again now.

You could try the medical MJ if you can't go without, but in some ways its better to give it up for a decade or two if you need to get somewhere.

Good luck.

Butch, all I could do was nod in familiarity and agreement to what you wrote... and you did a great job. You're overwhelming, and trying to make decisions whose scope is beyond grasp. While I don't have answers, I would welcome the chance to talk more through PM or IM if you wish.


M.

When I'm feeling like that I think of a time in my life I was really happy and it gives me a sense of renewal.

Thanks a lot for the responses everyone. I agree that it is time for me to give up weed for a while. It is very hard for me to imagine a life without substances, but it is a lot easier to cope with that if I remember that there will always be time to smoke later once I've gotten more of my stuff sorted out.

And the above advice about thinking about a happy time is very good. Sometimes I even have to do this within a given day... for instance I'll be dominated by anxiety and try to remember the feeling of freedom I felt earlier in the day while listening to a favorite song to remember that I won't be stuck with that feeling of dread forever. The worst part about anxiety or a panic attack is that when it's happening, you feel like you will be in that place forever... at least I do.

bump... I was expecting more replies but it's a long post which probably dissuades some people from reading it... The replies I've gotten have been very helpful. I don't know if "bumping" threads is looked down upon here but I don't often bump threads and in this instance I would really like some more feedback so I hope it's cool.

Butch, I found your post captivating and familiar as well. I also remember reading a post from you in another thread in which you describe how you zone out when listening to others talk (or something similar). Could you have AD(H)D in addition to AS?

If you can give up the drugs, I think your future will look bright. You have enough social ability to have a girlfriend and some friends. This is more than I had at your age, or even now.

Try not to take on everything at once. Work on the marijuana/substance abuse problem for now. Take time off from school if you have to. That you're frustrated is actually good. It will give you the impetus to take action.

OK, dude.

All is not lost.

First off - anxiety is probably the most salient factor in your internal landscape right now. Fear is the most powerful human emotion there is.

But fear not.
It's surprising how MUCH you can achieve even when stressed to the max.

AS is a spectrum disorder - and the whole of humanity is on it to some extent or other.
NT's obviously at the hyper-functioning end.

It's sounds like you're pretty much towards the Aspie end of the NT bell-curve.

But with everything on your plate right now, I'd say that your best strategy is going to be to focus on ONE thing - and ONE thing only : Passing your course.

The rest is something everyone else goes through and will resolve with the passing of time - some of it quickly, some of it over the course of the rest of your life, some of it never.

So, focus on your course - so that everything else you do revolves around it.
This doesn't have to mean mutual exclusivity - like to the exclusion of your love-life, etc.
But it does have to mean a concerted and realistic prioritisation of that most important thing : your career prospects.

So have faith in the inner you, focus on the course - and as sure as eggs is eggs, everything else will fall into some kind of place.

Where the head goes, the tail will follow.

It doesn't have to be pretty, it just has to be.

You may find it at times unenjoyable, but try to make it as enjoyable for yourself as you can. It helps.

It's going to involve effort, work, resolve and more work - but it'll be the best-invested effort you'll probably ever make.

So don't under-estimate it.
All the emotional stuff can be back-burnered - so don't let it worry you, it's not gunna kill you not to fret on it.

Let your loved ones know you care, even through this difficult time.
But do the right thing.
You owe it to yourself of tomorrow and yesterday.

MS.... that was really solid, succinct and strong feedback. Thank you - and there are a few things there I might just borrow.


M.

Your story sounds a lot like me up until 8th grade. Never seen any friends outside of school, my parents never let me do things other kids my age get to do. Talented in a lot of areas and would like to pursue and learn a lot. I am only 13 though, I have not seen much of life but I know that putting off all drugs will help a ton. Make fixing your life your number one priority (you probobly already have).

Have you ever read a poem by Edgar Guest called "Myself"?

You have to strike a balance between social life and yours. It takes me years to deal with
alienation, that really exhausted me.

You could seek for some official diagnosis, but the most important thing is you have to know
what is your LIMITATION and stop doing some thing that harm yourself. You should avoid
some social occasions but it doesn't mean that you could flee away or isolate yourself forever. You could set up a goal and pursue your dreams even though sometimes serious depression disturbs you.

You have to know your LIMITATION and accept who you are.
You have to discover your adventages and special interests.
You need to find your way dealing with the depression and meltdowns.

Avoid social life, but keep touch with people. Hope these help.

Lots of great advice offered. I agree that MemberSix's advice is really excellent. In fact, I had a conversation with my dad the other night and we reached many of the same conclusions. The only truly disastrous thing I could do to myself right now would be to flunk out of school, or to withdraw, after putting in so much time and effort to get here. Keeping my health is a given, and I should be able to keep my sanity if I don't flunk out and stay healthy. I don't have to save the world, I don't have to plan out my life, I don't have to perfect my relationships... all I should focus on is trying my best not to self-destruct, pursuing what I enjoy, and making sure I finish up college with my head high. I really appreciate all of it.

Just one other thing.

If you wanna make things that bit easier, just remember the old Roman adage : Mens sana in corpore sano - A healthy mind in a healthy body.

Keep the hardware running right and the software does its job.

Eat natural, exercise daily.

(And if you really wanna succeed, Omega-3 (but not with Om-6 and Om-9))