I think my boyfriend might have Aspergers

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I think my boyfriend might have Aspergers. However, he has so little insight to his behavior that I can't imagine his being open-minded to discussing the possibility.

Does anyone know of any websites that I might be able to visit? The only websites I've found are for people whose children have Apergers or for people who have Aspergers themselves.

I don't want to diagnose my boyfriend; I know that I'm not qualified to do so. I just need some guidance as to what to do now.

Re: Perhaps, but might need a formal Dx - have you suggested?

About websites to visit to enlighten - you're here, girlfriend. This is the Gold Standard. There comes no finer Autism-ism than Wrong Planet. We are it! Not to brag.....


Seriously, if you feel you should bring this to his attention, with Aspies/Auties the direct approach is always best. Subtlies just don't work in this situation. Maybe you could offer him some information for his review, on his own time? Choose peer-reviewed current science journal articles, for instance.

John Elder Robison wrote a biography (NOT my usual genre, but I do like this one), Look Me In The Eye. I think anyone would enjoy this book and it has a message too - this might be relatable to your boyfriend.

Just a suggestion.

WP has some leads on book topics as well. You are a nice GF to care about him - he's lucky to have you!
Aspies/Auties have many positive albeit distinct qualities - we can be quite endearing. Or a real pain, depending on one's perspective.

Oh, you could watch my video for clues too (in signature line below). Good luck to you, and him.

The Wrong Planet does have loads to offer in terms of insight from all angles, however, I understand you may want to identify with others in the same situation as you:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life ... 416502.ece

The above, coming from the mainstream media may be a tad over-the-top and stereotypical. But it'd be fine for some rough insight.

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126&a=3351

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/As ... OtherHalf/

Had a bit of trouble finding anything. xD Might have been looking in the wrong place or there is really a problem with support (although problems with support for certain groups in the ASD community is another matter all together!)

Thank you so much! I'll check out that book this weekend. I looked at the video, but it stops at 1 minute, 22 seconds. I'll check it again after I post this.

Where might I find a "peer-reviewed current science journal article"?

I'm afraid I might be at the end of my rope here. His tantrums are so irritating. This last weekend, he yelled at me in front of my family. It was over something crazy - I upset his sense of order by attempting to do something spontaneous - and he totally freaked out. My parents were amazed - he's such a sweet, sensitive person and they always thought I was exaggerating about his outbursts. When he behaves this way, it feels like he's a child throwing a fit. He actually said to me "Wait til we get home!" I asked him what would happen, and, as I expected, he just kind of looked at me with a blank stare and said "I'll go home!". It made no sense, but his tantrums never do. Looking back at the last year, I realize that 90% of our fights are the result of something unexpected occuring; something as benign as taking a different route to a restaurant or playing Scrabble with different rules.

He seems to have many of the other classic symptoms: His conversations with people (including me) are usually characterized by verbose, somewhat grandiose and narrow-minded dialogue. I'm always trying to get him to "see the other side of things". He insists that he does, but there seems to be very little insight.

He has this unsettling blank stare when he's in the middle of conflict (I've always found it uncomfortable to look at pictures of him as a child. He always seemed to be staring behind the camera at nothing)

Although he's always very enthusiastic to spend time with my family and friends, he has no close friends of his own.

He's exceptionally bright, yet, until recently, he has bounced from job to job. He seems to get frustrated with bosses and co-workers easily and I'm wondering if he doesn't throw the same tantrums with them that he throws with me when his sense of order is disrupted.

Lastly, and I believe most importantly, I've never felt much empathy from him. I really do feel like he cares for me, but he doesn't ask any questions about my life in general. I can't imagine him asking how my brother is doing or how work has been for me lately. I have health issues that I've been dealing with for about 15 years now, and he's aware of them, but I don't bother discussing them with him anymore because such things don't seem to hold his attention. I've told him many times that discussing these things is important to me, but nothing ever seems to change.

I'm sorry this is so long. My brain is flooded with all of the weird incidents that have happened over the past year. This is the first time I've put all the pieces together, and I'm starting to see a puzzle that I don't know I'm equipped to deal with.

How old are you? Most people at the dating age who have real aspergers have been diagnosed long before they start dating. What is his speech pattern like, does he pronounce his words almost overly clearly? Does he tend to talk a lot about one paticular thing without noticing your level of interest. These are real questions you should ask yourself.

"Wait till we get home" could just mean that he wanted to get home and calm down! When I get upset by unexpected things, I very desperately want to go home myself. And at age 25, I have tantrums too... they look a great deal like crying fits; but I'm female--I'm allowed to cry. Culturally, guys are either stoic or angry.

I guess the important thing is that you never assume he knows what you are thinking or what you want him to do. Not feeling empathy because he doesn't ask you questions about yourself might well be because he doesn't know you want to be asked those questions.

It's hard to make friends when you have a hard time relating and most of the world doesn't want to even try relating to you because you seem "weird"... little things like an 'unsettling stare' can really turn people off.

You might need to actually build a communications bridge between you and him. He'll probably start building his end, once he sees the point of it.

He may not be ready for a long-term relationship. But then, you may not be. Just be sure you are both ready; don't rush into this.

And for goodness sakes... warn him before you try to be spontaneous. Having your plans changed feels (to me) very much like being thrown blindfolded into the deep end of the pool, unsure of whether you'll sink or swim.

Welcome to WP!

It sounds like some type of Autism to me (really, you just wrote the stereotypical problems that arise between a person with a higher-functioning and verbal ASD and one who doesn't when they're in a relationship).

There's nothing you can do in relation to the tantrums as they're mediated by a change of routine (other than not doing such); whilst it probably seems silly to have such a reaction to such simple spontaneity, but it's impossible for you to know what it feels like to have this happen to you. The understanding must work both ways, and if the change of order and structure makes him so uncomfortable, think of what it'd take for you to behave that way, and then, would you want that to happen to you?

The stare is just him lacking in facial expressions; you're used to people showing overt emotion via body language and other nonverbal cues (this is innate with you), and since people with an ASD have problems with this, they'll appear different externally. The blank face and also lacking in emotional inflection of the voice are common signs. You expect him to show what he's feeling, but in the end, the only way you'll know how he's feeling is by asking; there's nothing else you can do with this. Personally, I don't think it's a problem.

He probably can't ask you certain things due to lacking the ability to do so; it doesn't mean he doesn't care. Since you've told him that you'd like him to ask these things, I'm betting that it's due to him being unable to. Also, have you spoken about these things in-depth before with him? If you've spoken about a certain topic that's of no interest to him, but he gave you a thorough answer, he probably won't see the need to talk about it again, as he's already told you how he thinks and feels. People with an ASD don't change much in relation to their thoughts, and if they say something, they'll probably say that same thing each time; hence, they see that it's of no importance to speak about it again--there's more important things to do, like collecting facts.

One of my very few close friends is someone who I think is on the spectrum, and he was suprisingly receptive to the idea when I hinted that I thought so to him...so once you are able to talk to him about it, maybe he might be receptive and it might help him have soem sort of perspective about himself...

For myself, I was aware from an early age that there was "something wrong" with me...but I had no idea what it was or why I could not be like other people....finding a "reason" that made a whole bunch of factors fall into place was very helpful for me.

I think my friend has had a similar sense of feeling like something was "wrong" but not knowing exactly what it is or why...

My friend has tantrums over small changes in routines...he will start yelling(at himself) and throwing things over misplaced glasses...i have witnessed him have several meltdowns over the years...
He has severe trouble with small talk and interpersonal relationships...at age 35 has only been in very few boy-girl relationships...and few friends.....He is almost as childlike as me....has adorably narrow interests...and it is really fun to see him get all lit up over little things that tie into is lifelong obsessions....and luckily, I know just enough about his main obsession, (millitary regalia), that I am able to find neat stuff for him to get exited about. He can identify anything that is presented to him... ...origins...dates...etc...any camoflage pattern...it is really neat...it is fun hanging around someone who gets as excited over 'things" as I do.

My concern for him is his self-esteem..he can talk very self-destructively at times...(i can relate)...also...um...I think he has trouble speakign up for himself when he should....i feel very protective of him. I wish there were more that I was able to do for him.

There's no upper end on dating. Lots of people either stay single or get divorced. So there are plenty of folks out there dating who couldn't have gotten diagnosed before they started dating because there was no diagnosis of Asperger's.

I am diagnosed, and I have been dating for over half my life...thought I was only recently diagnosed...
Also there should be no assumption that every person who has "real" asperger's gets diagnosed...When I was young, AS had not been heard of...then as an adult, there weren't any resources available. Maybe it is noticed within the school system more often among children NOW, because some teachers know what to look for...but when I was young, there did not seem to be a name for it...To the teachers and concellors, I was just an odd, hyper-sensitive, spacey, clumsy, cluttered, messed up little kid who got teased alot....unless those teachers and concellors told my parents something that they did not tell me...and my parents would not have dreamed of taking me to see a shrink.

Pardon me, LA_gal for responding to a reply in this thread before replying to you. I only had time then for a brief reply as that one was.

I do sympathize (empathize?) as far as not having a place to talk about dealing with an adult with an autistic spectrum difference. (I don't like the term disorder, because it doesn't apply to all the differences. Plus it's a judgement that I'm not interested in making.) While such topics are welcome here, it's rare to see someone else in that position. Mostly all people who are on the spectrum, or parents of a child with autism. Nor do I know of any forums elsewhere on the web.

My husband may have Asperger's. If not, definitely some spectrum traits. Though him I haven't found too frustrating. I accept his idiosyncracies as him. Though, it's interesting to be able to see some of his traits in light of what I know about the autistic spectrum. Like, some of thise idiosyncracies I now understand.

I came here because of someone else I know with autistic traits, however. Although, having some autistic traits myself, I've probably found more here for understanding myself than for understanding this other person. I think as far as the other person, the biggest thing I've learned is to understand that he's not normal, he doesn't think like normal folks, he doesn't interact like normal folks. Not that I'm not generally used to accepting people's differences, but, he's different in ways that I hadn't really understood that folks could be different.

Thank you all for all of your wonderful insight/advice. The above post from lexis, with the websites was especially helpful. It describes so accurately the stuff that I'm dealing with day to day.

Poopyslungstuffing - I think we probably travel in the same social circles in Houston. I'm involved with several different art and architectural organizations. I hate to say more than that, because ultimately, this is my boyfriend's journey, and if he in fact has aspergers, it would be up to him to "out" himself. Anyway, could you tell me of some resources in Houston? I saw you say something somewhere about a center in Sugarland. That would really be helpful!

I'm really hoping that aspergers isn't his issue. I'm getting to be pretty much done with the outbursts and rigidity - I would feel so guilty if it turns out he has differences due to something he can't control rather than the possibility that he's simply a control freak. (Gosh, that sounds so self-serving. Really, what I want is for us to both be happy and self-aware enough to live productive, fullfilled lives. And it would be great if we could do it together)

We are used to post like this. Some are objective, some are extremely bitter, some are in-between.

Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.

I don't understand the first paragraph of this post. What do you mean "we are used to post like this"? Are you saying that some people who post here are sometimes objective, extremely bitter or in-between, or are you saying that some people with aspergers are objective, bitter, or in-between?

The second paragraph really rings true for me. In general, I wouldn't characterize my boyfriend as someone who tries to control me at all. It really does seem like more of a need to control what's going on around him. It can be something as innocuous as someone asking him to switch seats with him. He gets so upset! I've learned not to throw those curveballs at him, but it can be so exhausting! I'm the sort of person that needs spontaineity in her life, and like you said, some people just aren't compatible.

sorry I left an 's' off. We are used to "I think my boyfriend/girlfriend has Asperger's" posts.