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Silver1
Tufted Titmouse
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 12:44 am    Post subject: Friends who don't invite you places Reply with quote

This is my first semester in college, and for the most part things are going well. Luckily I got to pick my roommate, we both went to the same high school together so this worked out relatively well. We are pretty good friends now, I didn't hang out with him that much in high school but we knew each other. The only problem is that whenever he does something with our mutual friends, he or my other friends never seem to invite me to do anything with them. They either never tell me they do something or they say they're going somewhere but they don't ask if I want to tag along. I call them my friends because we do hang out together at the college, but for example, if they go to a movie or to some other place they usually won't ever bother to ask me to come, and I don't really like inviting myself to things.
Are there any other people out there who have this same problem?
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Fnord
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All the time!

Then again, I'm not a fan of most of the things they call "fun." Things like bar-hopping, going to clubs, having gratuitous sex with strangers, listening to loud music, getting drunk, ... et cetera.

I have a core group of friends that seem to share my interests in quiet entertainment at home, such as table-top RPGs while listening to jazz, blues, and classical music. We get together about once a month, but the rest of my friends are really just peripherally so.
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Kirska
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's the story of my college social life. Eventually after about a year I gave up trying. It still hurts my feelings from time to time.

The only suggestion I can make is either a) initialize some outings yourself and invite the people you'd want to invite you or b) next time they go somewhere, when they get back ask them where they went and say something to indicate you would have been interested without making him feel guilty, like "oh I heard that movie was good. If you guys happen to want to see it again, let me know."
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DustinWX
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Find one really good friend, if they are your friend they will bring you along.
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Teddy
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Try asking via text message "can I come along?" to your roommate or someone. Its easier than asking straight up and you dont have to interpret pauses and feel like they might not really want you along.

I get my friends doing stuff without me all the time, its usually because they know I'll have trouble during it. Ive made sure my friends know they can say "I dont want you along on this, but youre still my friend" cos I know I can be embarrassing sometimes.
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PrisonerSix
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 1:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fnord wrote:
All the time!

Then again, I'm not a fan of most of the things they call "fun." Things like bar-hopping, going to clubs, having gratuitous sex with strangers, listening to loud music, getting drunk, ... et cetera.

I have a core group of friends that seem to share my interests in quiet entertainment at home, such as table-top RPGs while listening to jazz, blues, and classical music. We get together about once a month, but the rest of my friends are really just peripherally so.


I was the same way in college, still am to some extent. I didn't enjoy those kind of activities either, or any other loud activities like football games, concerts, parties, etc. However, my college years were ruined in that respect by my sister.

My parents thought it would be best(and I agreed) for me to live at home when I went to school, which I was OK with. My sister was going to go to graduate school in another state and my parents promised me I'd be rid of her and not have to worry about what she wants to do. At the last minute, she decided to stay home, and of course my life became more difficult after that.

My sister, who always looked down on me all of a sudden decided she didn't like it if I didn't go everywhere with her she wanted me to, and our parents of course sided with her. It didn't matter what I was doing, if she wanted to go out somewhere and wanted me to come along, I had to drop what I was doing and go. They felt I should do this so she wouldn't get upset, but of course having to drop what I'm doing on a whim for her upset me as well, but my being upset didn't matter.

She all of a sudden decided she wanted to go to football games, something she'd never done before, and since she wanted me to go too, we couldn't upset her so I had to go as well. She also would drag me to the Spring Fling, a free concert on campus where students would act crazy and get drunk. I didn't enjoy that either, but again, we couldn't upset my sister.

One time one of her friend's sister invited me to a party. This sister was in class with me 3 days a week and could have asked me anytime but instead, she asked my sister, who accepted for me and later this girl said I was going if I had to be dragged there kicking and screaming. Of course, our parents back my sister so as not to upset her.

When my sister finally left home, I was free to not do any of that stuff anymore. I also was able to get involved in some quiet, geekier activities, that I was interested in without having to worry about what she wanted. The first semester she was gone, I got my highest GPA ever, since I was now free to study and do school work on my own time, without having to rush through it or drop what I was doing for her.

My sister of course spent the next few years bouncing to and from home again and when she was back, my freedom went by the wayside. Only when I graduated and finally found a job and got my own apartment was I finally free to spend my time as I saw fit without having to worry about what she wanted.
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PrisonerSix
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 1:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Friends who don't invite you places Reply with quote

Silver1 wrote:
This is my first semester in college, and for the most part things are going well. Luckily I got to pick my roommate, we both went to the same high school together so this worked out relatively well. We are pretty good friends now, I didn't hang out with him that much in high school but we knew each other. The only problem is that whenever he does something with our mutual friends, he or my other friends never seem to invite me to do anything with them. They either never tell me they do something or they say they're going somewhere but they don't ask if I want to tag along. I call them my friends because we do hang out together at the college, but for example, if they go to a movie or to some other place they usually won't ever bother to ask me to come, and I don't really like inviting myself to things.
Are there any other people out there who have this same problem?


Perhaps you need to move beyone this circle of people and have other friends besides them. Maybe other friends, who share more of your interests, might help.

Good luck.
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Jkid
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 1:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Having a social life does not mean going to clubs, boozing, and bar-hopping. There's always the student clubs you can join. Are there a student union in your college?
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PrisonerSix
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 10:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jkid wrote:
Having a social life does not mean going to clubs, boozing, and bar-hopping. There's always the student clubs you can join. Are there a student union in your college?


You are 100% correct. The problem I had was I didn't like those kind of activities, and couldn't find people close to my age who agreed with me. I had this problem in high school, and had a similar problem in high school.

I believed that having fun, socialization, etc., was up to the individual. I was often told that my desire to choose my own activities instead of just doing what everyone else did was wrong. I never quite understood what was wrong with the freedom to choose.
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Tias
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my, thats almost exactualy, or even worse in my class : /

we are 25 students in class, 5 guys and 20 girls ( the kind of college i go to is once girls chose alot it seems)
but yeah, so one girl in class held her birthday party, and 3 peopel were not invited, me and 2 others, i didnt really care that i was not invited, but that she tried to keep it a secret really pissed me off, i mean ok, we dont know each other so good anyway, barely ever talk, cant she just come and say "sorry, i dont know you good enough so i'm not inviting you" or anything?
no it seems.

2 other girls in class did the same thing, and it just makes me hate those people more and more.
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mystyc
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I knew some people, some "friends" I guess you could say, and I am one of the few non-straight people they know. One night they went to the local gay bar, and I found out about it the next day through facebook where they were gloating about how awesome it was. They apologized and stuff, but the damage was done. I am, at best, an after thought.

Yeah, I should add, that these are not children. I am in grad school. No one wants me around, and they will get their wish soon enough.
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PrisonerSix
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tias wrote:
Oh my, thats almost exactualy, or even worse in my class : /

we are 25 students in class, 5 guys and 20 girls ( the kind of college i go to is once girls chose alot it seems)
but yeah, so one girl in class held her birthday party, and 3 peopel were not invited, me and 2 others, i didnt really care that i was not invited, but that she tried to keep it a secret really pissed me off, i mean ok, we dont know each other so good anyway, barely ever talk, cant she just come and say "sorry, i dont know you good enough so i'm not inviting you" or anything?
no it seems.

2 other girls in class did the same thing, and it just makes me hate those people more and more.


I once had something similar happen to me in school(not college, elementary school). Basically, a kid held a birthday party and there were 3 people not invited. The kid put invitations on everyone's desk except for mine and 2 other people. It didn't make much sense to me, but it didn't bother me.

What was really bad was when asked he made sure others knew me and the other 2 weren't invited because he didn't like us so he didn't want us there. Other kids made fun of us for not being invited but fortunately, the teacher stepped in and straightened it out. She made a rule saying if a student was having a party and not inviting everyone, invite them privately, don't do it by passing out invitations and excluding certain students because it was causes trouble. I didn't care anyway because the kid was a jerk, but still, I never did anything to him so why should he cause me trouble?

I just wouldn't let these things get to me, that's all.
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jread
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see this happen to another aspie I know. She's the type that talks nonstop and will dominate the conversation for the entire lunch hour. This is annoying to others and makes them want to avoid her, even though she means well. They feel bad leaving without her sometimes because they know she is a nice person, but they can't get a word in edgewise. She doesn't clue in when she's annoying people, and also doesn't clue in that they want to go without her sometimes (she'll just invite herself). Not sure what to do with this situation.

I'm an aspie but I can usually tell if I'm unwanted or if I'm annoying someone. I guess some of us may not have that ability, though.
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Tias
Phoenix
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

@prisoner

Well the one of the girls who did it, was understandle. Me= barely ever talked to her
girl nr1. = Hates her, and the inviter hates her back
girl nr.2 = no idea, she is the one who is most fitted into the "society" of the class, but maybe cause she hangs out with me and the other girl

The other 2 girls who held one, well i have talked with them atleast and stuff before. but still not knew them good enough. They can just come up to me and say directly why i was not invited instead of that BS with keeping it a secret
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ThisUserNameIsTaken
Blue Jay
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 4:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Long post ahead. If you want to read my personal experience with this type of thing, keep reading. If you want my thoughts on the matter, then skip to the last paragraph.

I had a group of "friends" like that back in my first year of college. It was my roommates and several other people who mostly lived on the same dorm hall as us. Well, for awhile everything was fine, though I started noticing that often they wouldn't tell me about stuff they were doing and that the only reason why I seemed to be included in their activities was because I had a habit of catching my roommates leaving and they would say "uh, hi, you wanna tag along?". I thought I might just be paranoid after a lifetime of social rejection so I sort of dismissed it though I never let the thought go. What finally led to me believe that I really was being excluded on purpose was during the second semester when I found my roomies preparing for a toga party. They told me "sorry dude, you can't come, it's invite only. Besides, you wouldn't know anyone there". I told them that was cool and I was really only curious about what they were up to, but at the same time I was privately thinking "Bull-****ing-****" (not many college parties are invite-only and you think they would have mentioned it prior to that). I was pretty depressed that night though I continued to give them the benefit of a doubt because I could see how something like a toga party would be invite-only. Well, throughout the rest of the semester I found out that many of the people who had attended this toga party were in fact people that I knew for the most part and many were in the big group of friends that I was apart of. Specifically I found out at a party that was being held a few weeks afterward and I made a point of commenting to one of my roomies who was sitting next to me when I talked to someone who had been at that toga party (and who I knew) "dude, how many people that I know *weren't* at this toga party? haha". He shrugged awkwardly and got up a little bit after that.

Anyway, what finally ended up confirming my suspicions were a few things that happened around the summer. First, when it came time to sign up for dorms for the next year I told my roomies we should room together next year. They were like "yeah, yeah, that'd be cool, let's work on that sometime", though what really ended up happening is that they tried to look for apartments without me and when they couldn't find any they selected their roommates without telling me until after the fact (they even went out of their way to fill vacancies...they picked one guy who they barely knew because he almost never came out of his room, and as I found out that following fall semester their fourth roommates was just some random guy despite the fact that they had told me their room had been filled). Second was that over the summer I saw that they were all conversing a lot on facebook though not a single person ever posted anything on my wall. But the kicker was that they were planning a spring break vacation for next year...and again no one mentioned this to me. And what put the nail in the coffin was my first night in the new dorms that following fall semester. I met up with that big group of friends from the year prior to see what they were up to (I knew they didn't want to be around me, but I felt like they should have to suffer my company until they got some balls and told me how they really felt). They told me they were going to some Mexican restaurant and I tagged along to catch up with what they had been up to since we last talked. Along the way I couldn't help but think to myself "I bet they're going to tell me this place is reservation-only". On our way out we passed some guy in the lobby who one of the people in the group knew and asked if he wanted to come eat with them. The random guy declined, saying he had to be somewhere else. When we got outside the group had to wait for someone for like ten minutes and we all just talked. When the guy we were waiting on finally arrived I was told by the guy who I had thought was my best friend the previous year "well, sorry dude, but we have to part ways here. The place is reservation-only so you can't tag along with us this time". I seriously considered making a scene and calling them out on their bullshit, but thought better of it (the scientist in me makes me remain skeptical no matter what, and I figured it would probably be best if I didn't create a lot of drama) and just smiled and said "oh, yeah, no problem, see ya around". Looking back I really regret doing that and wish that I had decided to call them out right there, but unfortunately I never confronted them about it. I did, however, stop hanging out with them shortly thereafter.

Oh, and to finish everything off, later in that semester (after I had stopped hanging out with those people) I met two people who sometimes hung around in that clique. We got to talking and one of them asked me "hey, why weren't you at that toga party last year?". I told them I wasn't invited and they looked at each other confused and said "huh? you weren't invited? what are you talking about?". I just shook my head and told them not to worry about it (or I told them that's what my roomies had told me, I can't remember for sure) since either way you look at it I wasn't actually welcome at that particular party.

Something similar started happening the semester after that (second semester second year for those keeping track, which was last spring) when I had a new group of friends start to drift away from me slowly. However, I transferred out of that college before things got the way they had the previous year. At my new university though things have definitely changed. My new group of friends actually call me up to invite me to go places with them on an often basis, and they genuinely seem to like my company. I think part of the reason may be because they're all Korean nationals and my personality and social habits just mesh better with immigrants/their culture than it does with natural born Americans/American culture (indeed, I've noticed that my best friends throughout college thus far have all been Korean).

So, TC, now that you know my experiences with this kind of situation, allow me to give you some advice: Those people aren't really your friends. They're acting friendly to you now and pretending to like you because they don't want to have to deal with any awkward drama and tell someone to their face that they don't want to be around them. Mark my words, however, that once they're no longer forced to be around you they will abandon you almost instantly. I wouldn't give up though. Just keep forcing yourself to socialize in order to get practice and keep an eye open for things you're doing that are off-putting to people (for me the major thing I noticed was that I had a bad habit of cracking a lot of bad jokes). Personally I'd look at your current "friends" as the ideal practice since you've got nothing to lose. That way when you try making new, better friends you'll have a greater chance at success. And from personal experience I would recommend trying to make friends with people who have similar personalities as your's. With aspies this usually means other aspies, geeks/nerds, or immigrants/foreigners (since their displacement in a foreign culture makes them more open-minded than the natives).
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