AS and Love-shyness

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Something I find comforting about forums like this and the Internet at large is that the more I read and research, the less I feel as a sole nutcase. For example, here's the Wikipedia's definition of "Love-shyness" that fits me to a T. Now, I have discovered (and accepted) I have much of the AS traits, but if someone asked me what's my biggest problem right now, that definition certainly sums it up.

Now at 31, I've been able to overcome many of the professional and maturity hurdles that plague the life of Aspies, including public speaking, stage panic and all that - but is this "love-shyness" thing that still sticks out my own self like a sore thumb. And worst of all, I don't know exactly why; perhaps I tried to ask someone out at school, failed (or she dumped me, whatever), and haven't completely got over it - and that built a strong fear of rejection in me so strong that I have unconsciously avoided to be exposed to a similar situation... and guess what, I'm not shy at all to talk to women at this stage. The problem is when I want to go beyond casual talk and simply can't. Being put into words, it sounds so easy to overcome, but reality tells otherwise...

Now back to that definition, the Wikipedia advises:

I have the same problem. I am not shy of speaking to woman as long as its not in a big group but like you I find it hard to ask them out on a date because of the possibility of rejection. I find small talk hard and its easier if the conversation is fact based.

One time I was told that this girl liked me but I did not ask her out because I did not believe those who told me this. It turned out that she did like me but I blew my chance.

I did public speaking once which was hard for me but I did not screw up fortunately although I will avoid doing this again.

Wikipedia's definition describes the problem I have 100% but im ony 21 so i have time to fix it.

A staggering majority of that Wiki describes me almost perfectly.

Alot of that was a fairly accurate description of myself... scary...

GA

I am extremely uncomfortable with asking women out in a conventional way. So I can relate to what you are saying.

This love-shyness thing sounds like pure folk wisdom nonsense though.
It describes some of the symptoms of AS so it is natural that you can identify with it.
In the past I have been able to develop romantic relationships through friendships. It is easier if you just forget about trying to find a mate, and instead focus on making friends, male or female thereby increasing your odds of meeting someone compatible. Also focus on developing your talents and finding things that give your life meaning so that in general you become a really interesting person to talk to. The largest obstacle probably is just trying to forget about the "goal". The more you can enjoy the process of getting to know women, without thinking about the outcome, the better you become at it.

Then there is that whole tricky area of discerning a mutual connection. This is a huge stumbling block for me, but I have learned that I tend to second guess too much.

I agree with Spacemonkey. Its just basically a rehash of Asperger's Syndrome's problems with social skills. Would this "love-shyness" you are identifying with apply if it were initiating conversations with a guy, instead of a woman? If so, its just another name for your AS problems.

I'm very shy when it comes to this, and if I wasn't I doubt I would have any love problems.

Once bitten twice shy.. maybe that has something to do with it?

maybe that's why I'm afraid of falling in love.

Oh, yes, I experience that a lot. Most of the time, when someone mentions someone else I really like as a person, I get agitated because I almost never know why they realize that I like the person I am implying about.

Ah! If only there was such a resourse as WP when I was going through my teens and its torturous chemistry. How sooner I could have understood what was revealed to me so much later in my life


Ebi,

Although I do not doubt the existence of other planes of reality and of the paranormal, I do find that Brian Gilmartin's quote in your post rather ambiguous to the subject unless a deeper psychical investigation could come up with a perspective that would make sense. That would have to be left to a bona-fide psychically gifted person if you carry that belief -but beware of all the charlatans out there.

Now to take us back to this reality, this love-shyness thing ties in with Aspies' common challenge of not being able to decipher unspoken social nuances the way NT's have as second nature and take for granted. By this time in your life, you seem to have developed some coping strategies of your own for playing the social scene.

Hale_bopp's post echoes many experiences I've had in my younger adult years of trying to socially fit in, but that was way before I got Dx'd. I too have made the same mistake as sparkman and Aspie 1 mention and never got to see for myself what could have been a wonderful experience. Now that I've gotten to understand and accept AS for what it is, it was a self-preservation tactic that has since been done away with.

Spacemonkey touches on what I think is an excellent Aspie stragegy that looks like my own for acquainting with women. I interract with women the same way as I do with my mother, my sister, my aunts, and my lady cousins as I think it is more comfortable for me (and for them) to let a good rapport of trust and friendship develop first. From this, I've made myself quite a large cadre of lady friends throughout my community. I'm not deeply involved with anybody at this time but I have had girfriends before, been married (now divorced), and know inside myself that I will find my match.

Do women have love-shyness? If they do it doesn't show because they are more passive and it's men who ask them out and so forth.

But if there are men who are passive, like females generally are, then who is going to ask them out? Is there anything we passive males can do besides convert to homosexuality?