Asperger's and lying ...

Post Reply New Topic

I really can't lie, and I get horribly upset when I find out someone has lied to me.

Unfortunately, I always think people are telling the truth because that's what I do.

I'm a notorious liar. I love lying. I often lie even if I don't have to.

I can lie easily (not now, just when needed).

I can be a very good liar. When I was a child I had a really hard time with lying. I would feel guilty if I did tell a lie, and would almost always come clean. My older siblings did not appreciate this trait, and I attained the title of "the NARC" by my oldest sister. By the time I hit high school I had learned to lie to avoid trouble, and did it quite often.

I remember telling white lies at a very young age. I remember when I was about 5 I was eating mashed potato, but knew there was ice-cream in the freezer and really wanted that. My mum said to eat some more of my mashed potato, then I can have some ice-cream. But when she went out of the room, I got the spoon and ran it over the mashed potato so that it looked like a lot of it had been eaten. Then when my mum came back in she actually believed that I had eaten some more of it, and smiled and said ''good girl'', then took the plate, and gave me some ice-cream. I was quite surprised, but didn't say anything. I remember doing lots of other little white lies like that. So I have never been bad at lying.

I remember when I was in my last year of school, my ''friends'' were being nasty to me, which was making my school life hell. But I didn't want to tell my mum any of it, although I knew I should but I didn't want it to worry her, because she was in the middle of going through a divorce with my dad and so had issues of her own. So, to save my mum from worrying about something else, I just had to keep this quiet and sort it out myself in school. My mum did find out in the end, but that was when I was coming close to leaving school, and I had also made up with one of the friends.

My husband says I can't lie but apparently we both have our own view on what it means not being able to lie. I am more literal about it so I say I can lie. I have been lying since I was five because I learned to do it on my own to try and stay out of trouble because I hated being punished. It didn't work but I kept on doing it because I never give up you know. I also remember trying to hide my mistakes and cover my tracks because I feared getting into trouble and if mom gets mad, that meant I was in trouble. Especially if I would hear my mother start screaming about something, I would deny it because I didn't want to get in trouble. I used to try and blame it on my brothers instead and it rarely worked because my mom knew it was me. That tells me as a parent what I can do differently as a parent so my kids won't have to lie to stay out of trouble because I want them to be honest with me than trying to hide it and lie about it because they don't want to be in trouble (it would be different if he did something he knew he wasn't supposed to do and he broke something, then he would be in trouble for it). The way I acted about getting consequences a a child is like how an abused child acts except I wasn't even abused but being punished was the worst thing ever for me so it was that bad for me. I didn't live in fear or have anxiety about getting into trouble luckily like some kids would.

I lie and have done so since I was very small and I am quite good at it. I have not lied here on WP or to any of you but I can and do sometimes.

I don't believe in this hogwash that Autistic people have no "theory of mind."

I never think to lie. It just doesn't occur to me. I don't have a need to.
Simple life.

Now, when I was drinking, that was a different story but my lies weren't so much lies as. .. conditioning:

Partner: Have you been drinking again?
Me: Yes!
Partner hits me in the head!

Partner: Have you been drinking again?
Me: Yes!
Partner hits me in the head!

Partner: Have you been drinking again?
Me: ... No?

I have always strived to be as totally honest as I possibly could, often to my detriment.

This 'lying by omission' thing is not so simple. I try to give a total and accurate answer to questions, but frequently get criticized for saying too much. NT's seem to like a short 'good enough' answer which for me is hard because the answer is rarely correct if I do that.
Plus other times, I don't want to tell them something, so I choose not to. If it is none of their business, and they choose to believe something that is not true, and I didn't say that, but I didn't correct them either, then why should I? I am not interested in policing what crap goes on in other people's heads.
My husband sometimes wants to know something and I don't want to tell him (because he wants to know every tiny irrelevant thing about every tiny irrelevant thing and I don't have that kind of time or patience) so he pushes it by vocalizing a conclusion that he knows is wrong and will upset me, thinking I will clarify with the truth, and he will finally know. I sometimes do, but I deeply resent those kind of tactics. But these days, I say 'think what you want' and drop it, if he lets me. He should respect my judgement about whether the thing is something he needs to know or not.

There is only so much responsibility I am willing to take for what others think. If I did not plant the false notion in their heads, then I don't have to clarify it unless I want to for some reason. This does not make me a liar, as far as I'm concerned.

I tell the truth because I remember so much. I remember what happened, and think of many possible ways I could get caught, and decide I don't want to deal with that. It is too much work for my overloaded brain to remember the event, PLUS the lie I told, PLUS who I told it to, PLUS all of the details that have to be consistent with everything surrounding the lie and the actual event. My mind aborts the idea and embraces the truth, even when unpleasant.
My husband has a hard time lying to me because I am that person who will remember that little thing he said on the bus five years ago that is not consistent with his lie, so will catch him. He lies, and does not remember. Stupid. He even holds it against me that it is not easy to get away with a lie with me - like I am the criminal and he is a victim. HAH!!

I do lie to him, and only to him, usually to protect my kids. I would lie to GOD, if there were one before me, to protect my kids. He never went to school and literally does not understand anything about grades, except that "A" is the best grade. If he sees a "B", he tells my kids that 'they will go nowhere'. So I tell him they don't get report cards at the new school, and he says nothing.
But to protect myself, I usually cop the fight rather than to lie. I get away with the lies because I do it so rarely.

On the flip side, if I really wanted to lie, it is unlikely I would get caught. I would spot the inconsistencies and deal with them making it harder for someone to catch me out.

I find myself compelled to speak what I believe to be the truth all the time, whether I want to or not.
Lying feels wrong and uncomfortable for me in a very visceral way, and I realy, really don't like to.
However, sometimes the consequences of being truthful make lying seem necessary, and so I do & can lie when it seems like I really have to.
I don't think that makes those lies any better or les abhorrent, but in the end, we all do what we think necessary.

My lies suck I am inconsistent with them at times but im getting better at it by learning from my NT peers when it comes to lying. I know lying probably isnt good but sometimes it can come in handy if it means saving your own life.