The Myth of Confidence

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They were never wrong about homosexuality as homosexuality is real. They just changed their minds about it being a mental illness.

Just the same, NPD is real. Whether or not it should be considered a mental illness is a different matter. As someone whose father clearly fits enough criteria for NPD (and regularly and consistently fits them), I can't agree at all that it isn't real. And let's just say that it isn't very pleasing to be in his company.

Because then it wouldn't rhyme.
People like it when aphorisms rhyme. Birds of a feather flock together for another example. Not all aphorisms rhyme but of people can make it rhyme, they will.



That makes sense.



Yes

Ok, so why do I feel happy, when I succeed in absolute nothing? In the opposite, why do I fell much more happier now, then during the time, that I wasted with succeeding and pleasing people? What do you think is more a reason to feel happy and comfortable and be relaxed? Doing 1 hour of stuff with something you like and that pleases you, dont giving you any success, not letting people praise you about being a hero, or instead doing stuff you dislike, only out of the need for other people telling you "what a nice successful doggie you are" to them? Do you think the reason why I feel good right now, is because I succeeded in eating my yogurt my lunch? Do you think someone praised my skills in yogurt eating therefore? ^^ Yes if you are telling and you and believing "Self-esteem is an emotional reaction to one's successes and failures." then this will become like that for you. Because you truly believe in it, that you are not allowed to accept failures as something natural, and that you must have success in anything to feel fine. But believes are things you can work on.

Yes, if he tells himself, that others opinion about him are defining the worth of his person, this will happen. But you dont need to believe in such stuff. What does your confidence about being able to obtain and keep a job, have to do with your personal confidence? I can tell you simply as fact, that for about 90% of jobs, I dont fit. I dont have to believe in that or not, its just a fact. Just like I see bad without my lenses. So ok...why exactly should I now be forced to feel horrible?

I already described you two times about what therapy is. Its not about people "simply telling you and pushing a button". The reason why the way you imagine it, is because of you thinking of an easy solution about going to a therapist, thats saying "Abrakadabra, I want you to be confident." ^^ As already told two times, there is no magic. Therapies dont work that way. They dont TELL you now to believe or feel. They help you to analyze and realize WHY you feel the way you do feel, and then they sit together with you and work on possibilities to go against that. They dont tell you "now feel this or that". Thats what you want to believe. They help you understand, why you feel the way you feel. And then they give YOU help to change that reasons in you. THEY can do nothing for that, YOU must do that. You are still into your "Others must be responsible for my happyness. I am not a grown up person, and I am not responsible for myself." Mantra. You are responsible. They help YOU. They dont do it for you, because they cant do that, just like any other person cant give you SELF-esteem.

Goddamn, we are not into Mad Max nuclear holocaust anarchy scenario, but live in first world. Stop refering about that survival stuff. Until now, it was not necessary to impress health insurance burocreauts and make them proud of me by succeeding in front of their eyes, to get them pay my insurance bill. I dont think, that medical insurance officials in your place, ask people for their daily success list, to decide if they will pay medical costs or not. O_o And as said again and again....stop making others responsible. IN NONE OF MY POSTS I EVER TALKED ABOUT "OTHER TELLING YOU TO BE CONFIDENT." If you finally are willing to read my posts, they are telling you the total opposite, so its about YOU YOU YOU, not what others do to you, tell to you, or conjure magically about you.

Nope, its up to written official governmental contracts, that absolutely dont care for me to impress them, but simply to fulfill my contract standards. Yop. And? What has that got to do with your confidence? Yes, its up to people if they want to accept you, they are free beings and so free to decide to accept you? Just as you are free to think that you need to force on yourself to feel horrible, if someone does not accept you. There are tons of people, having problems with me being the way I am. In this forum I got already accused of being "no true woman" and other stuff, because of people not being able to accept me the way I am, but wanting to force on me the way that would comfort them, so they can make me their replacement mom. So they dont like me. Welcome to reality, instead of Sims, where that is completely normal and is no reason to tell yourself to be a bad person, because of this. I conformed and nearly died, did a great pie of poo on conforming and are now happier then ever. Leaving tons of people behind, that only liked me if I became their doggie, and instead focusing on the few, real friends, was the best thing ever. Good for him to have approval. I thought the topic was about general confidence, that is not necesarry linked to approval, as long as I dont tell myself so? How exactly can me feeling good be depending on acting as another person, and faking to like things that I dont like, only to get someone tell me what nice doggie I am? So how exactly, does feeling not happy and being totally not confident about me, by telling me that I am sh***y and need to hide myself, help me feeling happy and confident? Do you really think "Oh, the way I am is s**t. I need to conform to others, so they tell me how nice I am." is truly linked to being confident? Telling yourself, that the way you are, you are bad, is confident? O_o[/quote]

The most reasons why people have that kind of thinking, is because it was teached by them, the whole them when they were raised. Kids have a need for parental love. And if they are only allowed to receive that, when succeeding and being a nice doggie to them, then that can deeply impact you, by forcing that kind of view on the rest of your life, by forcing on you the need to get succeed and get others appreciation, so they can feel safe and comfortable. But thats not the way how the world is, is simply the way to think that was forced on someone. And definitely years of "education" and conditioning dont go away by someone snipping with his fingers and telling you to feel otherwise. You can read in my older post, that I had that idiotic thinking. I worked and worked, because finally in work there was the first time, someone told me how great I am and how cool my work was. That didnt get my confident. It got me a burnout. And it got me a therapy, finding the reasons for that burnout, the reasons why working was so important for me, the reasons why I felt so sh***y about myself, as long as there was noone telling me to be a good doggie. And the understanding of it, helped me as well to realize how wrong my thinking was. TRULY understanding how wrong my thinking was. And the cool thing about truly understanding something to be wrong, is that you dont believe into that anymore. If someone told me 2 + 2 = 5 you would believe that, until someone finally teached you to UNDERSTAND math and make you realize that 2+2 = 4. Not by telling you so, but by helping you to truly understand it yourself. And this noone ever can take from you. The moment you truly understood that, you simply cannot think anymore of 2+2 = 5. Either you are s**t or you are not s**t. But you are not s**t, only because other people telling you so. If you are black, do you suddenly become a better or lesser person, only because of someone saying "Oh, blacks are so good in sports!" or "Oh, blacks are so aggressive?" Nothing of that changes, who you are. YOU need to find out who you are. Others can simply tell about their oppinion, but that doesnt change the worth you give yourself? Do you think Anne Frank was a bunch of s**t that should have hang herself out of being ashamed of being dirt, only because of some rotten Nazis having that oppinion towards her?

I dont succed in anything and people dont tell me to be a good doggie. But the sun is shining, it is a good day, this evening I will do something total unsuccessfully and play computer games for myself, and be totally happy about that, without any reason for succeeding or feeling proud or managing people to be proud of me. Its not necessary to think good of me. Because the only reason to be not happily accepting me, the way I am, was if I was hurting someone by doing the stuff I do. But I dont. So there is no need to feel ashamed and not feel perfectly confident with being the person that I am. Without any need to tell myself that I need to find stuff to succeed today, like eating my yoghurt, to allow myself to be confident about me.

You are free. So go please, tell yourself how awful you are, and that you must hide the person that you are, and instead of liking yourself, make other people like the person you fake to be to please them. If people liking a fake person that is not you, and thinking that the true you dont deserve that, makes you happy, then go for it. Let the people tell you how much they like the doggie, that is not you.

Schneekugel

First, when I mean assistance I mean instruction, knowledge and the philosophy behind the instruction and knowledge. Yes, the government does give assistance through the form of SSDI which I do receive. I don't desire to be just given fish but be shown the way as to how to catch my own fish. I do not want to be SSDI for the rest of my life. I want to be able to support myself someway, somehow no matter which society I live in. I tried to read about how the workplace works in America on different websites but some of it is like reading gibberish. You and others keep wanting to look at my emotional state just like the author's and Winston Wu's. The issue here for me and possibly for them is being clichéd and hackneyed phrases which are devoid of any substance that I am able to grasp. I have been in therapy since I was four years old. When I look at the benefits and costs I have to ask what has therapy done for me. What are the benefits vs. costs?

Therapy does not explain the intricacies of society, how to effectively obtain a job in the workplace and the practicalities of living life in the USA. For example, one is told to start at the bottom. I ask, where is the bottom? This implies that there is a structural hierarchy to workplace. When I look online I see no blueprint at all. Please read my blog as well and tell me what you think.

http://whyifailedinamerica.wordpress.com/

I am so glad you posted about 2 + 2. This is where the issue lies for me. What if the issue is that no one will instruct that 2 + 2 = 4 instead of 5 let alone tell me the underlying reasoning behind it and showing me the math? Let's say you look up the problem online and the stuff you read comes across as complete and utter gibberish.

Look at this right here. http://zimmer.csufresno.edu/~larryc/pro ... ction.html

How does one all of a sudden obtain k? Where does k come from? I had to do math induction in my math applications for IT class and I couldn't do this to save my life. There is so much detail missing to their answers and their process. I feel like they've left steps out and I can't seem to derive what they are.

This is not only true for math but for many areas of life as well including employment and basic living. In fact, when people use the expressions "real life" and "real world" I don't know even what the heck they're even talking about. We're just one country. How do we represent the whole world?

I don't need therapy nor do I need to get in touch with my emotions. I don't need clichéd and hackneyed phrases like be positive, be true to yourself, love yourself, get real, etc. I need instruction as to how to live life in the USA in an effective and practical manner. The "therapy" I need has to come from others that can explain themselves to me including employers and why they do what they do and why they think the way they do. I need the employer's underlying belief system and the American belief system explained to me in a way as though I was ship wrecked on a island as a child with other people that formed a village until an American cruise ship rescued us and brought us back to America. The problem is my common sense is dull and in fact I need help to even understand the idea behind what common sense even is.

The knowledge I do have right now brings up further questions. I do not like what I see in America in which the business of America is business. Even if I could learn how to succeed in America what price would I have to pay? Would I have to give up my very soul to do this? America is a hustling culture. I do not vibe with the hustling way at all. It is anti-thesis to who I am and my inner being. Even if I learned the way of how to succeed in America would it be ignoble and would it come at to much of a price? As you read my blog you will see the dilemmas I face.

Is it better to rule in Hell, than to serve in heaven? What happens if one gains the whole world and loses his whole soul?

What can therapy do for me on all of these things? How will one hour sessions per every 2-3 months help me with this which is what they do usually? I've been to therapy since I was four like I said.

There is nothing bad about you wanting help for getting a job and all of this. Thats pretty understandable. But simply dont depend your worth on such things. You are who you are, with a job or without a job. A job can raise your life quality by giving you money for interests, but it cant raise your worth. Life often is simply sh***y, and that can make you sad, thats ok. But dont tell yourself that things that make you already sad, as well must tell you to have less worth. You can be a wonderful person, and still stumble from one pile of poo into the next. When it comes to the bottom: Had an engineers degree and started the frist 6 months at Mc Donalds, because I was so sh***y at job interviews that noone hired me. Were as well depressed about it and questioned myself. Afterwards I now have to accepts, that the questioning of myself and my worth, simply was needless, simply because you can have depression and work on getting a better job or you can have no depression and work on getting a better job. So if being depressed and questioning your worth, doesnt help you, then why the hell ruin your time by doing so?

In my experience, I need confidence that I lack and everyone notices and tells me my life would be easier if I were confident in my abilities, if I believed I could do something or make a difference. It doesn't help me when I question myself and decide I can't do something or freak out and hide when someone expects something of me. I speak from my own personal experience with life, I am not preaching cliches.

Okay, so what do you do now? Are you still at McDonalds?

You're missing the whole point. This is where my father and I have clashed. The issues I have is not self-worth, self-esteem, emotion or attitude. The issue I have is I do not understand the underlying philosophy of what life is all about in America and knowing the ins and outs of how to effectively function in America whatsoever, why things are the way they are in America and why I must accept them? You're assuming that I have a certain basic level of knowledge when I do not. I have tons of details missing as to what certain things mean like the phrase "real world." You're focusing on something that is totally irrelevant to the issues at hand. I am told to be true to myself but is one's true self going to be accepted in America and will his true self allow him to get a job. These are contradictory standards that are being given to me.

"Be yourself"
"Be true to yourself"
"Be positive"
"Set Goals for yourself"
"Be responsible"
"You have to earn everything you get."
"You have to start at the bottom."

and all of these hackneyed phrases are useless to me. I have heard everything from others before including my own father. It is trite and is utterly useless to me. I've been to therapy since I was four and it did not work. Without help and instruction from others on the ins and outs of society I am completely lost at sea.

How does everyone expect you to obtain this confidence out of thin air? Why do you lack confidence in first place? What leads to this lack? The problem is everyone is trying to put bandages on the symptoms instead of fixing the problems that lead to lack of confidence. This is what the author and Winston Wu was saying.

The problem is you're being given rationale that makes no sense. This article is a bit better than the other author's article. http://www.highexistence.com/topic/conf ... confident/

You can't just be confident. You have to develop your abilities slowly and the training has to be based upon sound knowledge. For me, I need help and cooperation from others to do that not just going to a therapist.

My rationale makes total sense to me and that's all that matters. As a child I was extremely confident and experiences eroded the confidence away. I am really impressionable so if I get around people who try to erode my personality, I change. I am like a rock that gets hit by the mighty waves of the ocean.

Irony is, people who did their best to erode my confidence are the ones telling me I don't have enough. It's just more eroding, imo, because I feel like no matter what I do, they are going to b***h about it, so why do anything? See how lack of confidence defeats purpose unless your purpose is to do nothing.

Ana, your rationale is similar to mine. It makes sense to me as well. The problem is these people telling you these things are using erroneous reasoning. I have the same issues as well. If Winston Wu is telling the truth his solution was to switch societies.

I really like the pragmatic approach to the problem.

On the topic of other people being the source of confidence, I completely disagree. Confidence is a feeling determined by your thought habits. It's a state of mind that's confirmed by other people, not given by other people. People don't give you feelings. Your feelings are the result of thought (conscious or subconscious) and entirely controllable.

His solution, which I agree with, conflicts with this assertion. He is proposing specific actions that will succeed in boosting confidence, but not because of how other people perceive you -- it's because of how you perceive yourself. If you elevate your hygiene and clothing, you'll feel better about yourself and have more confidence. If you take the time to learn social etiquette, you'll have the tools to perform better in social situations and have more confidence. If you make a lot of money, you gain resources to overcome other problems (which increases your confidence).

None of those are about how other people perceive you. It's about how you perceive yourself.

It seems to me that we sacrifice a lot of control over our lives when we choose to credit/blame other people for how we respond to things.

I like it as well.



I disagree that one's emotions are entirely controllable. One's emotions and feelings are reactions to outside stimuli. What is controllable is how one physically reacts in the concrete world. For example, one may get angry at the Ku Klux Klan rhetoric. One choice this person can make is to shoot some of them or he can poor his anger into writing poetry and/or minorities who are poor.



For hygiene, I agree with you and on hygiene it isn't just about perception it is about good health as well. For the rest of what you said like clothing and social etiquette imagine that you were in a society in which you didn't have to do this particular brand of social etiquette to be able to survive in the society would you actually do it? Does survival in America require one to wear particular types of clothing and/or this particular type of social etiquette? Depending on your answers I may have to reject the idea that it is about the perception of oneself and accept the idea it truthfully is the perception of others especially the employer? With regards to the money, therein lies the problem. If one has no money and money is required to overcome one's issues and problems and the requirement to make money is to overcome one's issues and problems then how is this person expected to both overcome his issues and problems and make the money?



You're making the assumption that one has control over his life in the first place and even if he does you're assuming the extent of this control is greater than it really might be? What is the extent of control that we all have over our lives? What is our circle of influence and how great is this circle? Is everyone's circle of influenced by other people's circle of influence and other entities' circle of influence? What is the extent of this influence? What if the circle of influence is so small this particular person has no control in its' expansion and only others can come in and expand it?

But would you get angry at the KKK rhetoric if you didn't understand English? Our thoughts generate the emotions, not the external event.

One of the reasons I make the claim that emotions are controllable is that we can eliminate emotional reactions through inoculation. One of the projects I worked on a few years ago was related to stress inoculation of soldiers in combat. With training, soldiers easily overcome most of the emotional stress of combat, to the point where they don't even feel the emotions that untrained soldiers experience.


That's very true. If I was going to make my own how-to-build-confidence list, I'd include health-related tasks such as regular exercise and improved eating habits.


I'm not going to claim that we operate in a vacuum. External factors certainly help define what clothing and etiquette is higher class versus lower class. But it's your perception of where you fit in that helps you gain confidence.

I get up every morning at 5:30am, exercise for an hour or so, then shower and get fully dressed (in business casual unless I'm doing something that requires otherwise). I do this whether or not I'm working or even seeing other people on a given day. It's something I do for me -- I feel better about myself when I'm exercised, clean and fully dressed.


You work with what you have. Confidence is not quantifiable and there isn't a defined maximum confidence or minimum confidence. The goal is to have more confidence than you currently have.


I work under the assumption that I have control over everything in my life, whether or not it's true. This helps me to avoid giving other people power over me and ensures that I take responsibility for my actions. This is not to say that I assume responsibility for other peoples problems; just that my default position is that my circumstances are my responsibility.

Illusory Fear is a major source of all types of human weaknesses...

Unfortunately those individuals who have higher potentials to learn new things..Also have higher potential to learn fears..

There are only two inherent human fears..heights..and loud noises..

All other fears are learned and are in effect illusory as compared to the two innate fears..

ANxiety almost killed me..as it is the major source of stress and the most common expression of fear among human beings..

I have absolutely no fears now..or anxiety now for one and only one reason..

I unlearned all my illusory fears...through years of self reflection and my own style of cognitive behavioral therapy...

Confidence is definitely a way FOR THE WIN...

Just watch an animal..the confident ones..always get ahead..

Humans ANimals are no different..

AS the bottom line is the confident ones are the ones that most often survive...
And simply have a
'greater' life..

ANd much more likely to reproduce...

The bottom line..

Is getting some....

Quite FRANkly....

Scaredy Cats simply don't get as much.....

And in my opinion the best way to boost confidence..both physically per posture and well being and psychologically per social anxiety and anxiety in general..

Is to learn to walk in reverse..and even dance in reverse..as a daily routine of existence..if one wills..

Firstly..i look about 2 inches taller now that my spine is straight instead of leaning forward...

ANd it's simply amazing..how having greater agility and balance in general alone can increase confidence...without even trying to be confident..

We are animals ..it is as simple as that..and posture more than anything indicates confidence to other human animals...

Walking tall..says it all..to other human animals..whether consciously aware of it or not..

Approximately 93% of communication is gained through non-verbal communication...

If anyone could benefit from walking in reverse ..it would be people on the autism spectrum...

I took full advantage of it..and it simply worked...

Not to mention completely erasing the pain of severe arthritis in my back...and legs that used to go completely numb walking forward...

Wow..the solutions are sometimes..so frigging simple...

But again..fear..is sometimes..that only thing that holds people back...

In this case..from moving in reverse....and in totality of effect and affect.. moving ahead..

FTW....

I will say you do have a point here that I did not think of. This is a very logical point as well. What are our thoughts. Our thoughts are interpretations of the events that came in through our senses and was processed through our brain based upon how the brain is wired. The wiring can change through either further sensory stimulation or our own internal thoughts. This means our emotional reactions are based upon our interpretation of events that came through our five senses and was processed through the current wiring of the brain at the time.



Will you please elaborate more?



I am trying to do a bit of exercise.





What time do you go to bed? I do agree this is in one's circle of influence.





What if what you have is not enough? I can guess an answer. Because of the very belief that anyone can pull themselves by their own bootstraps those who truthfully need guidance and assistance more than likely will not receive it. In the American mindset, you're on your own and those who fail in America, it is their fault no matter what the external circumstances are whether the person's perceptions are. Is this correct, yes or no? Is this a sound and valid conclusion I can make about American society?



This means what you're telling me is you deny some truths? Am I correct? If I am correct then one of the secrets of functioning in American society is to live under delusion and by denying certain aspects of reality. Is this correct? You have affirmed that we don't live in a vacuum which means we live in the presence of others and are subject to these other's social rules and laws, am I correct? Part of these social rules is the belief in pulling yourself by your bootstraps am I correct? You agree that we have a circle of influence that is constrained and influenced other people's circle of influences which would be my circle of concern? Based upon this how is it possible to deny the power the collective has over the individual? How can you possibly deny this? What you're telling me is that the secret to success in America is delusion and denial am I correct? This tells me that Americans will deny your reality if it does not match with theirs and Winston Wu is correct when he wrote this. Am I correct?

http://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Attitude_Fanatics.htm

This Americans use a form of defense mechanism called denial. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_me ... thological

Concluding further, this means American society is dysfunctional and pathological. Am I correct?

This means Barbara Ehrenreich is correct as well in what she wrote in her book called Bright-Sided?

http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/

Finally, what you're telling me is my issue is I do not deny the reality of things. Am I correct?

If I am incorrect in anything that I have implied, stated or asked then will you please show me where my reasoning is faulty?