Raised by Aspergers parent

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Hi All,
I came on this blog last Oct/Nov and abandoned it in frustration. I was curious to see what had developed in the thread since then, and seeing the discussion is relatively fresh I thought I'd stick my nose in again!

Buyer Beware - I'm glad you comment! I can see you are frustrated at times, but from my perspective you work hard to be aware of what you say, and you do try to observe and understand others. Take credit for that

I've spent the last few months letting what I've learnt sink in. I also had an unexpected interaction with one of my Mum's brothers ( 11 kids -7 girls, 4 boys). My mums family live in another state so I rarely see them, but my uncle was over visiting after his wife's death. I found out one of his grandsons has Aspergers, and my aunt who was a trained Psychologist had told my uncle she believed he had Aspergers too. Our 3 hour conversation with him had me thinking, as I'd been more inclined to see my fathers traits as ASD, more so than my mothers (I'd assumed alexithymia,) It's all so complicated! My aunt and uncle were married for 40 years. They made it work, and raised 4 kids - it is possible. My parents raised 4 kids, I'm the one who has the biggest issues with them. And maybe the biggest factors in that are that I'm a girl who needed an emotionally available mother, and didn't get one.

It's about understanding. Being clear. Misunderstandings that turn into "right" and "wrong" are what drives frustration, anger and shame. I think once kids get to an age where they can communicate they are then able to fill in some of the blanks that aren't obvious if you ask - I've got NT friends who are often clueless until they are informed by their kids!

The question about "Mummy wars" I'd say is strongly tied to what is the biggest contributing factor to that persons identity - if the job of motherhood requires the most time, is the most obvious role & is the easiest for people to judge it is a vulnerability to defend or strength to compete in.

Anyway, hope you are all doing well I've found ways to fill in the gaps & make peace with my past. Making friends with my parents is another issue, but one that has possibilities I think!

Hrmph.

It's a lot easier to be careful of what you say, and how you say it, on the Internet than it is moment-to-moment IRL.

What I've generally believed is that everyone makes stupid comments, miscues and misunderstandings; when you find one, you apologize for it and clean it up. Of course, sometimes you get the opportunity, sometimes you don't.

I find that it's easier to be emotionally available if I'm NOT trying to watch every word, every inflection, et cetera et cetera all the time.

I don't know what's worse. To be cold and distant, or to have a semipermanent toejam sandwich.

I know that I had a much better relationship with Daddy and his taste for toejam than I did with my very, very careful grandfather (I also note that Daddy didn't make any visits to the inpatient psych unit, while Grandpa made a few). I had a better relationship with Daddy than either of Grandpa's daughters had with him. I think my stepmom was happier with Daddy than Grandma was with Grandpa (though I note she certainly looks forward to spending an eternity together-- I guess you get used to anything).

Hard to base any decisions on that, though, because I have my experience as an ASD kid. Whether fortunately or otherwise, it looks like I'm raising 3 NT daughters and an ADHD son. This is one of the few occasions in life when I've wished my natural mother was living so I could pick her brain on what sort of father she would have rather had.

I know I'm happier not walking on eggshells around my kids; conventional wisdom says that, within the bounds of reason anyway, happier parents are more likely to raise happier kids.

Seems rather important subject matter for, "I don't know; it seems as if no one really knows" to have to suffice.

Glad, LMP, that you've found at least some measure of peace with the situation.

Having to live your life being eaten up by the people you have to call family certainly sucks.

I am sorry you felt so frustrated here but, at the same time, I've to realize that coming to an accurate understanding of what ASD in a family has meant is an inherently difficult, nuanced, and - yes - frustrating process.

I am glad you are making peace with things. Life is a journey.

Thanks so much for checking in.

.

hello

things.
I'm new here, and I'd like to write to discuss stuff from my family background.

I realise this is a controversial thread for obvious reasons, but I would like to able to understand my parents better in a place where others have similar experiences.

One of the things that makes this difficult is that my parents, as well as other people in my family, don't like to tallk about personal things. they only talk about politics. Liberal / left wing stuff is good. everything else is bad.

This is especially so with my mother, who would def get an autism diagnosis if she was young today ( she's neally 80 )

my Dad I'm not so sure about. He has some aspie traits with the meltdowns, collecting, good at his academic job but different at home, hopeless with practial things. On the other hand these were things that are common to lots of males of his generation. And he doesn't have the sensory stuff that my mother has - sensitivity to noise and smell - and he is able to make social chit chat as long as it's not about personal stuff.

But the person who suffeerd most was def my AS brother. they made him a scapegoat for everything and he hasn't sen them for 30 years. Although he is also totally into politics and can't discuss any personal stuff either.

My Mum can't watch most stuff on TV because she doesn't understand that there is a difference between someone being killed on the telly and someone being killed in real life. And anyway she'll talk all the way through and ask philosophical questions when others are watching.

I'd really like to hear from someone else who grew up in a similar "politics before people" family

looouie, I have an aunt who displays symptoms of ASD and talks about the "end of days" a lot. It seems to be her favorite topic, though I don't think she attends any church. Two of her brothers were also self-proclaimed preachers. I guess, for that branch of my family, end-time religious discussion is like politics is to your family.

By "politics over people" are you referring to preferring to talk about politics vs. talking about people or do you mean letting politics get in the way of relationships?

My dad (undiagnosed aspie) had a mangled misquote that he liked to repeat occasionally that went as follows: (I know it is a bad misquote of the original)

People with low intelligence talk about things.
People with average intelligence talk about people.
Smart people talk about ideas.

Anyway, despite it being a misquote/different meaning I agree with it for the most part. myself. Parts of politics fall under the idea category although some of it falls in the people category. I don't think it is unusual for aspies to prefer talking about philosophy or political economy or really anything over what might be perceived as trivial gossip.

Also, aspies tend to have special interests. The aspies in my family are pretty diversified with our special interests, meaning each of us tend to have multiple special interests. If an aspie has only one special interest it can tend to dominate in a different kind of way than if one has multiple ones. Not necessarily more or less annoying to others, but b.c of the extreme focus can be very overwhelming and might be more likely to reach into the fanatical type.

That said my unofficially diagnosed, but technically undiagnosed aspie self is on the opposite part of the political spectrum than my aspie-light husband and we manage it fine.

There are also plenty of presumably NT people that become political fanatics as well. In fact there is a woman on an anti-aspie website I won't name who is presumably NT and has basically disowned her own son for his political views. If you look around at the various news and politics sites, you will see some pretty harsh talk. I don't know how these people interract with family who have opposing views but it probably is not pretty.

In my mind, there are fanatics of all kinds, but aspies probably manage it in different ways and are like that for different reasons. On the one hand you have aspie rigidity, special interest focus and lack of theory of mind for opposing views. On the other you have the NT side which can view politics as an aspect of culture and family and as something that loved ones ought to share as a loyalty/people-sticking-with-their-own type of thing. I think any kind of fanaticism is probably counter productive.

Helloo.
I just recently joined this community specifically for this forum. Right now I'm a teen, and I believe my dad is an undiagnosed aspie. I know posts on here can be controversial, but this is my experience (it's a long rant, buckle up).
My mom has no trace of Aspergers. When she met my father, she told me he was a some what normal guy, and now that it is 18 years later, there are some things that she should've realized weren't normal. At their wedding, when my grandfather was dancing with my mother, he whispered in her ear, "I hope you're a very patient woman." When my mother finally became pregnant with my twin brother and I, she said things started to roll down hill. I've read about other aspies doing this, not being able to handle the stress that comes with having a child. My mother has endometriosis, and it was very hard for her to get pregnant, she had 13 failed pregnancies before us. She says that it was a hard pregnancy, and that my father didn't know how to handle it. They had just moved into a new house, and even after the doctors told her she must stay in bed at all times, my dad told her that he had to go down to visit his father for the weekend, it wasn't even an urgent visit. That week her blood pressure was so high they admitted her to the hospital with preeclampsia.

If I could make a list this would describe my dad:
- Hypocritical (it's fine when he leaves his glass on the table after a meal, but not okay if I forget to wash mine out)
- Obsessive (He's obsessed with his work, his health regimes, and his little hobbies like skiing and swimming)
- Selective hearing (Talk to him during the day and 9 times out of 10 he wont hear you, or he'll talk over you. Make one noise when he's trying to fall asleep and you'll regret it)
- Forgetful (There are friends I've known for years that he wouldn't be able to name. He forgets about events, details, etc., he forgot to come to my kindergarten graduation and blamed my mom for not reminding him when she had)
- Unable to read emotions/emotionless (You could be close to tears in front of him and he wouldn't know anything was wrong. Even if he did, he wouldn't know how to handle it. He can also make you feel bad with out realizing it. He makes plenty of money,but he has trained me to feel bad about buying a five dollar t-shirt).

My dad is just an awkward person in general. He's tone deaf, and has weird faces, gestures, and posture. I find it embarrassing to go out in public with him or bring him to go public gatherings. My mom and I would get emails about our schools "father daughter" dances and I would tell her to just delete them, I didn't even feel connected with him enough to go. When he does try to hug me, I usually avoid it. I know I shouldn't, but I don't feel any love when he does.
He says he wants us to be the best we can be, but never puts any effort in. Instead of taking us to learn to play t-ball with the other kids, he would say he was busy with work. My neighbor ended up teaching me how to catch and hit and ball with my mom. When I tried to get involved with organized sports by my self, he would end up praising the best children on my team. I ended up quitting every sport I took up except for track. I never had high self esteem, and I told my mom that it was just because I was't competitive, but in the end I realized that it was because I thought I wasn't good enough. Now that I regret quitting sports, my dad puts blame on me for not committing, and said that there was still time to pick up a sport when I was in high school and the other kids had been doing it since kindergarten.
There are the fights in the house between my mother and my father, and occasionally my brother and my dad, or my dad and I. We tell my mom that its no use fighting with him, because none of us will ever be able to get through to him. She knows that, but theres a part of my mom that never gives up. She just wants the best for my brother and I.

I believe that my grandfather has AS as well, and I am scared that my children will have it. I've never particularly enjoyed the summer visits to my grandfathers. They're dull, and you never feel like you're wanted there, like he can't wait for the visit to be over. It's been mentioned that he only has the family over because my step grandma wants him to have a relationship with us. My father's side of the family is like a facade, everything is hush hush. I enjoy my mom's family a lot more, I love each and every one of them, and my mom made sure we have a relationship with everyone that was close to her.
My mom has shared the stories of her life before my father, and let me tell you, she had quite the life. She was thin, adventurous, and the life of the party. Ask anyone who knew her before her marriage. Now, she is stressed, overweight, unhealthy, and trying desperately to raise my brother and I to be good people. Raising kids with her aspie partner is like raising kids alone. My brother and I are extremely close with my mother, and sometimes I feel bad for being the reason she is stuck in this awful marriage, but she says that without my father, she wouldn't have us, and she wouldn't trade us for anything. I worry that her health will get worse if she stays in this marriage, but if she gets a divorce, that means weekends with our father, and us probably living in poverty since my mother never really got a proper education. She has said that she got by perfectly fine by her self, but with two teens it is a different story. There's only a couple more years until college, and I know she'll leave him after that, but I know that he is killing her. Sometimes I envy my friends parents, and I wish that my friends could see how grateful they should be for having two parents that love each other. My mother makes up for all the loving, I know that she loves us so much that it covers up for our dad not being able to express his love for my brother and I. I day dream about going to college, just getting out of the house and away from the mayhem that my father created, but then I realized that I'd miss my mom just as much as I'd enjoy getting away from the craziness and feel bad about wanting to leave so far before college. I just needed to know that at least one person has gotten through a childhood with an aspie parent like mine somewhat alright. I don't believe I will have a relationship with my dad after college, how have any of you dealt with it?

My father really struggled to connect to us as children. I recognize that part of your post.

My mother was always the warm and cozy one.

But, in the end, they are both part of who I became.

My mom simply has no inclination towards depression, so while she would get awful headaches when things were stressful, there were no other manifestations. And my dad was really loving towards her when she got headaches; it was something he could understand and had an action plan for (get her to bed, hush the children).

At your age, I really worried about their marriage. But, in my parent's case, it got better. My dad had his strong points. Just, well, I guess he was never really cut out for family life, although he certainly loved us and would have moved heaven and earth for us if he had seen us in true distress in a way he understood. He ended up making a really good grandfather to my son, although my daughter never got to see much of the real him because he had a stroke shortly before she was born. I knew what his strengths were and would basically set up the interactions with the kids so that they were always centered on things he did well and could interact well over.

I always felt I finally got to understand my dad when I bought a house and he came over to help me build a new fireplace mantel that I wanted to build. He needed to connect over a shared activity; it was the only way he knew how. That isn't unusual for men from his generation, and probably extra important for ASD men. And, well, having a son diagnosed ASD sent off a lot of light bulbs in my head, and answered pretty much all the questions I had left. For me, everything changed when I started to understand. When I saw HIS pain.

Anyway. Things don't have to stay the way they are now in your family. One thing I wondered as I read your post was what was it that connected your parents in the first place, what made them want to get married. Is that something that could come back into their lives?

I also encourage you to try to connect with your father and his side of the family via the types of activities you know they like, and that focus on their strengths. Maybe not today; it isn't the way of people your age to connect to parents, since becoming adults requires separating; but maybe in a few years. I think you could regret it if you never do that.

I do remember feelings that were a milder version of what you've expressed, and I didn't think I could ever love my father. But ... well, I am glad that divide did eventually get crossed. No one stays with us forever, and at that point your main solace comes from knowing you did everything you could, and that you did finally connect in a real way.

Going away to school and starting your own life will be good things. Time and distance are sometimes exactly what we need. That was most certainly true for me.

I do apologize if this doesn't come across as empathetic as I feel. There is a lot of distance from when I was in shoes like yours to my life today, and my father passed away years ago. It is kind of hard to dig back into all those old feelings and consider what the relationship was like in my youth; right now, I just miss him.

Divergent, you're lucky. I have 2 autistic parents and one of them has serious mental health problems on top of that. At least you've got one parent who will look after you.

I coped by leaving home as soon as I could and never went back.

I would like to know my extended family, but my parents haven't kept in touch with them and I feel like I don't know them now. They are like strangers to me. And then if I do go and visit I will inevitably need to explain my parent's behaviour. I cope by avoiding anyone that knows my parents.

I think I am coping by putting my head in the sand.

I too am scared of having children. I have 2 parents that are like children, so if I had kids I don't know how I would cope with my parents and my own children too. And what if one of them had a personality disorder like the parent who has bpd? How in the world would I cope with that?

I can explain "politics overpersonal information," maybe. This was, and still is, THE RULE in my extended family. Daddy and I could talk about ANYTHING. The rule with my uncle and cousins (no autism that I know.of, but plenty of PTSD) is chitchat, music, and politics. Always agree. DO NOT discuss personal problems. Emotions are strictly verbotten. They will either mock you or just get up and walk away.

I think it is because those things (politics, current events) are interesting but outside. When you.talk about them, you yet to be the judge, but you are not putting yourself (your problems, mistakes, feelings,.weaknesses) out there where it can be seen and either judged or remembered and used against you.

I end up being the "safe" on ein my family. I cannot judge because I am stupid, crazy, ret*d, and broken. If I throw out a judgment, they can throw back a worse one instead of taking it to heart. I am the weakest link, so if they have to show weakness I am the one they call.

It makes.them too uncomfortable to see me, or anyon else, do it though. When grandma died, it was almost comical. For a week, I ran from one private "breakdown encounter" to the next,.with each person then pretending it hd not happened. Cooking and cleaning and chasing kids in between.

It was... odd. Our normal, but odd.

It took me years to learn that the.provblem was as.much them as me. Years in which I saw them rarely, and moved 1000 miles.away. I had to find and be semi OK with me before I could be OKish with them.

I hope.that is somehow useful.


Divergent and hurtloam--- HUGS. Just HUGS. I dont have anything else.to offer you right now.

Wow... having just found out my 4 year old son has asd, spending the evening here has made me so SURE of my suspicsion that my father has also... that's cleared a lot up...

Life was really tough with him growing up.... often desperate for my mum to seperate from him.... he was so petty and I felt like Mum was a bit of a doormat a lot of the time.... most of the time... still do!! He was forever correcting the way we spoke, or ate... or walked.. sometimes felt we could do nothing right. Always stood up for my mum as she's had so much to deal with... but she seemed to just take it. Feel so sad for her as she has such a love of life and now that they are both retired she seems to just revolve her life around him. It makes me sad that my son may become like him... that it's just genetics! ... they are so similar and Dad always comments on how my son reminds him of himself as a child (he knows nothing about asd diagnosis).

I'm 100 (well 95)% NT and feel that growing up with my father has made many things difficult for me... it has without a doubt damaged my self confidence. As a short sighted child he wouldn't allow me to wear glasses as he said they made me look ugly.... being told I'd never be anyone worth anything when I didn't pass my 11 plus exam... so little emotional connection... too concerned with teching me table manners and about motzart... I could go on and on and on.......

.... but .... now Im in my late 30s, even before I suspected asd... or knew anthing about it... things are better... there are many fantastic qualities to my dad. He may be terrible with trivial matters and too concerned with things that are really not a big deal, wrapped up in himself... (when my daughter has a meningitis scare.. it was suddenly all about him and how he'd had all those symptoms and actually he was getting chest pains o top of it.... always something but seemed unconcerned about her.. I'm sure he wasn't) but when it comes to a real crisis (hmmm actually I suppose that was) he is amazing and so supportive.... it's like he finally sees a way he can really help his family and he really does.. to the point I feel awful about the things I have felt/ said in the past. He is the best judge of character of anyone I know and can tell in an instant when someone is lying. despite his flaws he's a lovely/ but quirky man! I know he'll have my back in whatever I do, he just doesn't know how to express that very well.

i guess i just have eventually adapted to him and his 'ways'. an example is that now when anyone in the family gives him a present we always say ' remember, if you don't like it... you need to just lie and pretend you do so you don't hurt our feelings' It;s become a running joke and he now always goes over ther top about how wonderful the present is and he'll use it every day and always treasure it .... and I can laugh off comments... such as.. 'you're not looking as fat as the last time I saw you'!

at the end of the day..... he's my Dad.. I love him to bits... the whole family does (although he drives us all mad) and I know he loves me, despite everything... and that's all that really matters. Any family has issues, many of those you can do nothing about... you just have to find a way to make things work and accept each other for who you are. You only have one life and one set of parents so whatever you've been delt, I say... just work with it!!

Don't be too quick to attribute this to ASD. My quite NT mother was the same way.



That's unusual for a person with ASD.

I don't know your dad, but here is the thing: Even if he is ASD it does not mean your kid will be the same as he is just b/c they share a diagnosis and he sees himself in your child. That would be like if I had an NT kid and was afraid he would be like my NT mom.

There is a tremendous amount of diversity within ASD itself, just like with NTs. I am not exactly like my dad, and my son is not exactly like either of us, or exactly like my husband. Everyone is an individual. There may be similarities obviously in sharing a diagnosis, but ASD is really an umbrella with many different manifestations.

One of my nieces reminds me a good deal of myself as a child. Her brother reminds me of his father when he was a child. I fully expect them to grow up to be themselves.

I want to reinforce ASDMommy's point: your son does not have to be just like your dad, at least not in the ways that might make him difficult to live with.

If your father is ASD, he had to figure out the social norms (or fail miserably at it) pretty much on his own. No one knew to break it down for him, or how to break it down for him. Same with all the "why's" as to things people do, and all the reasons for not saying everything you think. But by knowing your son is ASD, you have a chance to present these concepts in a way your son might actually understand and buy into. Knowing changes everything.

Your son is also less likely to experience many of the frustrations your father would have, and thus grow up with a different concept of what life is about, and how A plays into B.

Mostly, remember your son is a unique individual and deserves to be loved and cherished as such. Nothing is a foregone conclusion; everything is a work-in-progress.

Good luck!

*bump*

I'm bumping this up where my husband can find it, because I'd like him to see some other peoples' experiences.

Because I'm reading a lot about people who were profoundly hurt by having parents like my grandpa, who were careful all the time.

And not a lot about people who were hurt by having parents like my dad, who was warm and open and just happened to be outspoken, annoying, and embarrassing.

Because I HATE being careful all the time, and staying on my kids to be careful all the time. It's robbing my joy in my family-- I don't want to be here any more. If it were just me, well, I don't know-- but the kids don't want to be around any more either. It's hurting them too.

I am never going to be a shiny perfect mother. Should not have had kids. But it's too late for that now-- they're here, and now it's about figuring out what kind of broken mother is going to do the smallest and most acceptable amount of damage while leaving the largest amount of good feelings and happy memories to balance that out.