Hello - I am new here and this is my story.

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My name is Tracy.. I am 31 years old, and I have aspergers.

I found out a a year and 3 months ago, after being put in the hospital in the midst of what I now know is a meltdown.

What brought me to that meltdown was several factors... 1.. I bought a house.. and the sellers insisted on a 30 day closing.. That was extremely stressful.

However, the true driving factor, was focusing all of my effort on friendships and relationships. I had sought out and joined a lesbian women's group. My first couple of visits to this group were disconcerting. I felt as if I were back in high school again. I felt like an outcast, and I was afraid to even speak. After about the 6th visit, I tried my trick -- pretending. Basically, I emulated a certain set of personality traits -- looking at people, using pre-rehearsed words in conversations, basically faking it. Eventually, the women took to this personality, and one in particular kind of ingrained herself into my life. After a brief time, my friendship with this woman began to feel like a relationship.. I've never been in a real relationship before, and I felt my inadequacies were quite evident. Then the 'gifts' started. She'd ask for a few dollars here, and there.. Then a few more, then more. It felt like at times, I was giving her 200-400 dollars a week. Trying to accommodate her wishes for money and items, I drove myself harder and harder to make money, and to take from other places (like food and bills). My life felt like a tetris game.. I was constantly trying to twist and turn to make all the pieces fit..

Then it started to go wrong....

The trick that I speak of, the emulation, its a nice trick.. but its not perfect. I would spend hours and hours rehearsing bits and pieces of conversation, in my head and in the mirror.. I hid all of my (what I now know are) aspie traits.. I focused on making eye contact, and all the little bits.. I spent hours reviewing conversations, and where I went wrong.. The charade didn't last forever... My mis-steps became more and more noticeable. Mis-steps that were immediately seized and judged by these women... I was 'diagnosed' with everything from bipolar to needy, to 'co-dependent' by this particular group..

The missteps became worse and worse.. All I could focus on was what I was doing wrong.. things began to slip.. eventually, I couldn't rationalize anymore, absolutely nothing made sense.. I didn't know where to turn.. Taking the advice of 'you need help' from said girl, I went to the emergency room.. I couldn't communicate in the emergency room quite what was going on.. They then checked me into the psych ward.. After the meltdown had passed, I was able to clearly comprehend what was going on... They told me that I was depressed.. They said that the actions of a doctor throughout my childhood was sexual abuse (I never really thought about it either way). They insisted I talk about that. When asked what bothered me, I made complaints about the computer industry, and other real to me annoyances. They said I was withholding. They said I was depressed and gave me pills (lexapro). I took the pills, and figured out the things they wanted me to say and do to get out of there.. I honestly didn't feel like I needed to be there. I wasn't depressed, sad, suicidal. I just wanted to get home. However, one of the many therapists there said that I should research aspergers and autism.

Anyway, I continued to see my hospital assigned psychiatrist. When I asked questions about the pills given to me.. like why did they make my heart have palipitations, why did I feel so 'muted' all of the time (neither happy or sad).. I told him that I didn't like the way the pills made me feel. He said "I have bills to pay too, you know". I mentioned aspergers to him, and he said "I really don't treat childhood conditions." That made me mad, and I went to find another psychiatrist.

The new psychiatrist stopped the lexapro, and did the tests necessary.. He confirmed that yes, I have aspergers.. With this information, I have been able to really understand things. I felt like I found the user manual to my life. Things just make sense..

Anyway, fast forward a few months.. I knew logically that the aforementioned woman was really just taking advantage of me.. but still I tried.. Finally, one day, I was driving her home from work.. She invited me in, and we talked.. She said something I was not prepared for.. I knew it was a question, so I hesitated briefly, then answered 'no'.. After interpreting what she was asking me "Are you still seeing your therapist" I said 'yes, of course". It was too late.. Two days later, she told me that she 'was ending our friendship' because I was not 'healthy'. She had mistaken my failure to interpret as a deliberate lie.

I take all of this as lessons learned:

I can't pretend to be someone I am not
I can't buy love from someone.
It is impossible to 'make' another person happy
Friends should accept at face value.
Lesbians I think, just love to judge others, and seemingly love drama. I am not like them.


Now I don't know if I am a lesbian or not.. I really don't care much about sex.. I have had it exactly once, about 6 years ago.. Its just not something that drives me.. What I want... is really just friends. People who understand me, and who I can understand.. This is why I registered here, finally, after visiting this and other sites since I found out. I think I deserve happiness and companionship. I am not ever going to compromise myself to reach this goal again though.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Hi Tracy! I think most of us here have had meltdowns, and I've nearly been committed for them before. I'm sorry you had to go through that Good for you for deciding to be yourself from now on, though!

I'm a lesbian, by the way, and I agree I don't understand all the drama either! It seems like a big game, so I'm just staying out of it for now.

Hi Tracy and welcome to WP. I am glad you found us. Welcome to our tribe.

I am 53 female and AS. Although I function okay - my AS is everywhere in me and in my life. It determines who I am. I am AS.

My life made no sense to me until I found AS. Now I can see a pattern. I feel better. Learn all you can. You have already been learning how to emulate NT, but have you lost yourself in the process? It is so easy to become a mask.

Try tl gain also some freedom to be yourself. You do not have to fit perfectly evrywhere.

I am asexual. That is wierder than homosexual. I joined a lesbian group once too, no relationships ensued. I just found one more place that I didn't fit.

I think that the mental helath profession does not understand us. Of course, they are mostly NT. How well can they do?

I think that wandering around on WP will help you.

I've found I can be great at pretending myself in the short term and come accross initially very personable, smily, friendly but I have to stay so concious of it all the time and of course eventually my real self starts leaking out the more I'm around people as happens... and it's just so, so exhausting to keep up with!! I do the same thing, making myself crazy analyzing and re-analyzing everything said and done and obsess over small social things that seem so natural for everyone else!

I've just discovered asperger's myself and it's great to know now there is a reason for my, uh, weirdness and that I'm not alone!! and now you know that neither are you!!

welcome!! !! !!

Hi Tracy. i only found out i had aspergers when i was 15. 1 year has passed and things have made more sense to the people around me. my mom for one always knew something was "wrong". I don't see AS as a condition i just see it as part of me i don't even care what other people think about AS because frankly im proud to have it. im also proud to have aspie friends which i met at the autistic youth club i go to. im also gay, which is hard when i have the problems caused by aspergers on top of all the homophobic bullying i used to get at school. having suffered myself in many forms of abuse as a child i have found that im unable to trust most people and live a "normal" life. These days now that i have an apprenticeship starting in september in an accounting firm i look to the future and hope things will turn out for the better. my stress and anxiety levels were always high at school and from age 11 when my problems started iv had 9 different schools in 5 years and i spent 2 years at a private school. i find it hard to love people and my longest relationship has been 3months and im still friends with that guy but it was my first relationship and i messed it up badly. sex is not something i enjoy or drive for, really to be honest it bores me completely, i'd rather play TES4:Oblivion or warhammer: mark of chaos and medieval total war 2 which are my favourite games and i can't stop playing them these games keep me from going under in a mental sense and my mother also who is the greatest person in the world to me. PM me anytime xxx

Welcome Tracyl,

You are seeing the world for what it is, and you are not alone.

Welcome to the tribe.

Hi, greetings and welcome =)

Your story sounds really sad, but it also sounds like things have kind of worked themselves out.

Hopefully you will find friends here.

Thanks all for the warm welcome.

chairbreak -- Glad I am not alone in that one.. What is it with people? geez. just live live and be happy.

nutbag -- Yeah, I don't think they understand us.. Your words also echo my own thoughts.. I never felt so out of place then at the lesbian group.

newaspie -- Yeah, I think the pretending is just so hard to maintain in the longterm. Hence, where my problems came in.

SuPaStAr -- Thanks, and likewise.. feel free to pm me.

Inventor -- (I like your name). It is nice knowing that I am not alone. Thank you

vandire -- everybody has a story to tell.. Sometimes its happy, sometimes its sad. Thanks for the welcome.

My comments probably aren't worth much seeing as I'm neither a women, nor a lesbian, and I'm really really tired but can't to sleep but...

I'd guess lesbians are pretty much just like straight women when it comes to how they interact, have relationships, etc. I doubt that group of women was representative of ALL women, but their being lesbians probably didn't have much to to with how they acted (I'm guessing).

And I'd assume you'd know if you're a lesbian (or bisexual, or straight) just by...you, know...who you're physically attracted to. If you're not really interested in sex at all, hey, that's fine too!

Anyway I'm glad to hear you're out of that situation since it really doesn't sound like those people were right for you.

Good to meet you TracyL! That is quite a journey...Welcome to WP!

Hi, Tracy!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I hope you enjoy posting here!

Hej Tracey. Welcome. I must admit thought, you got more guts than me. I never could join clubs or go to anything like that.
I have only been here a day but they keep offering coffee

hi tracy! welcome to WP

i liked your tetris analogy!

just wish i was "as good at life" as i am at tetris ~ lol