I feel doomed.

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Yeah I screwed up this semester of college, I don't really care though because I have not had any motivation for it since like half way through last semester. I kinda wish I had never even gone to college, but I figured it was the best way to get out of the house and be on my own without actually having to learn the skills nessisary to survive/function in this horrible society. I thought I could have the illusion I was a responsible individual with full control of my life while getting a degree and by the time I got my degree and a career I would not have to worry about being a bit on the weird side.

Well I was wrong.

So yeah I don't really have many job skills, my dad might be able to hook me up with work but its going to be a while so I might have to look at other options. And basically all I have to live on until I figure out another income is what's left from the grants/loans for this semester. I decided I might as well rather fail then drop if I drop anything now then they will want that back immedeitly rather than in 6 months when I will probably have to defer the payments due to inability to pay.

So yeah I don't really know what to do anymore, I am still uncomfortable at my moms place I hate not being able to just be myself around her..........but if I did that I would have to let her know more then she needs to about my life and I doubt she would like it very much. Besides I feel like I cannot trust her or her boyfriend I know realistically there is not much either of them can do to interfere too much with my life but it still does not help when I feel like they are looking for signs of incompatency or insanity.

and yet again I feel I have pointlessly rambled and forgot the actual point/concern that was really bothering me.......maybe its in there somewhere.

I think what you need here more than anything is a plan, you've got a real resource here in WP in cheer-leading, ideas, insights, maybe even actual assistance, but you need to decide what you want to do first.

Need a diagnosis? I can tell you a bit about getting one from a private doctor, there are others here who can describe getting one through the state system.

Want to file for SSI or other government benefits? I can tell you a lot about that as it applies in WA state, others can tell you about their experiences elsewhere, possibly even in Colorado.

Need help negotiating about those student loans? Someone here has gone through it and would be happy to share.
I can tell you right now that you're probably not as screwed there as you think, there are many ways to postpone repayment or bargain with your professors about accommodating you in fixing your grades, they're usually reasonable people.
Get diagnosed and in the state system and they may forgive the loans entirely, I've seen it done.

You just need to decide what you want to do and tell us, there are many people on here who would like nothing more than to help you if you'll let us. You don't need a grand life plan, just what you want to do first would suffice.

Hell, if this was 3-4 years ago I probably could have made a couple of calls to old bosses in Lakewood or Arvada and gotten you a job interview just on my word, though I've since let those contacts grow cold. I'd have been happy do that too, like most people I'm actually eager to lend a helping hand where I can, it's feeling impotent that i can't stand. Just give people a chance to help you, you might be pleasantly surprised. The system may suck, but the average person is still usually decent, kind and generous if you let them be.

Here's some of what I know about a few of your concerns.

Getting diagnosed. The only real harm that can come from this is if later in life you try to get private health insurance on your own. You don't put it on your job application, you don't have to tell people, but when it comes to getting help it can be invaluable. It can open the door to financial and medical assistance, job placement, training, college, you name it.

Like I mentioned once before, I believe you're young enough to file as an adult disabled child, which would allow you to use your parent's social security history to determine your benefits. This would not make you dependent on them, they would barely need to be involved in the process, but it could give you some independence as you could qualify for significantly more money as a result. I rented a pretty nice apartment in Lakewood, place called The Willows on Jewell if you know it, for about $500/mo back in 2004. When I talked to the SS people years ago, if I'd been able to file as an adult disabled child I'd have been eligible for $1200-1600 a month for as long as I remained disabled. That's livable, not great, but livable, especially when you figure in what you may qualify for in EBT food benefits and state medical.

You can even work for a set amount a month without losing your benefits, and even if you exceed that amount they continue to pay for up to 9 months to allow you to get on your feet. Think about it, you could work part time and go to school, while the state helps you out enough so that you don't need a roommate or to live in squalor. In your case, I'd think getting away from your family situation alone would be worth the hassle.

I won't BS you, the interviews suck and they'll make you feel like a crook and a fraud trying to steal their money, but once you get past that the SS people will do everything in their power to keep you in the system. You'll become a headcount for them, one more thing to point to when it comes time to justify their budget. That's one thing I have a problem with in this system, but in your case it's to your advantage.

You also don't have to worry about being on any lists or anything, AS is considered a disability but it's not like something they hospitalize you for or declare you incompetent. I've got my AS status in many, many systems out there and I also have nearly every firearms related permit short of a machinegun license, and I could get one of those too if it was legal in my state. Trust me, if they let me have guns with my AS status and extensive medications history, they won't bother you at all.

As to people, it really sounds like you've had a bad run, but please don't give up on the species just yet. The best saying I've heard is the old "I hate people, but like the average Tom, Dick or Harry", I think that's a pretty healthy way to look at it. I think meeting some new people would help, your family situation does sound pretty toxic and that can lead to tunnel vision about how people are. The news doesn't help either, they really do emphasize the worst of humanity.

I don't know your relationship with your Mom, but if she is concerned about you, it may help to open up to her. Just about what you would feel comfortable talking about, but she may be supportive.

I tried to conceal things from my Mom, but she said it just made her feel worse, cause if she didn't know what was wrong, she couldn't help.

Is there someone that you can talk to like a trusted relative, or a good counselor who has a lot of empathy?

Just take things one step at a time... you'll be okay.