scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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0, whatever another day of hell....and just to prove my point my mom and her boyfriend are going at it again it sounds like, but my room heater is kinda loud so I can't quite hear.

0 or neutral as, there are some good things that are going on and some sad one's too..

-10 what the hell am I supposed to do...

-2. I get the feeling I'm going to get pushed away.

+1

-3

+2

I've been stressed because of work issues. Today I have been working on my resume and I think I'm finally getting a handle on what I need to do. It doesn't solve the work problem, but it's a step in the right direction.

-5 a little better exhaustion based delusion can be funny at times.

Still -2. Feeling irrationally selfish now. How dare you seek emotional fulfillment in the form of a close platonic relationship, Cherie. How dare you.

-5 wish I had a higher pain tolerance and didn't run out of my clonozepam(don't know how to spell it) prescription early after I had already gotten used to it. But either way my default state is intense misery it seems so is it really worth taking drugs prescription or otherwise just to have temporary relief enough to not be in constant pain.

At least right now I don't feel too upset about this since I am exhausted from being out late and not very good sleep last night. I just keep thinking 'when will it end' but then I don't want to think like that because that just adds to the suicidal ideation. I was rather upset earlier hope I hid it well because I was spending time with my brother and cousin and even then the pain is still there preventing me from being a part of the moment or enjoying anything I want to enjoy.

-1 trying to rid myself of un-happy memories..

-3.

0 Ok for the moment a little bit of pot, random 70 proof shooter I found among the tea at my moms house and sleeypytime tea extra(with valarian ) should take the edge off for a while.

-5. Just a bit upset now. Why would someone say such a thing to me in the face of stories/experiences that indicate otherwise. Who's telling porkies?

-5 feelings of anxiety coming on, I guess I will attempt sleep I am kind of exhausted, and I am getting that impending doom feeling which might keep me awake.

-4
Don't think this is heading in a good direction.