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scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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cathylynn
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24 Sep 2019, 10:32 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
cathylynn wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
+5

Feeling like maybe, just maybe, I can get myself to the point that I can live on my own, except for transportation. With my memory issues, I don't know if I even should be trying to drive - I might be an unsafe driver due to lapses of memory even if I can get to the point where I can get a license (and afford a car). But then I remembered that some places offer transportation services for the disabled, and I'm pretty sure I'd qualify for that. It would be $5 or so a ride and there might be stops along the way to pick up/drop off other people, and I'd have to schedule 2 days or more in advance. But I don't get out much and don't plan on changing that anytime soon, so would probably mostly just have weekly grocery runs or something. Cheaper than Uber, and I'd set a schedule for myself so one day a week was shopping day. In other words, it feels very doable. So, I feel more like living on my own might be achievable, which makes me happy.

that's the spirit. would you mind describing an example of the memory issues? are they related to anxiety?


My memory issues are caused by ECT I had for depression. One example is that I have a medication I'm supposed to take just after dinner, and I'll remember about it while I'm eating but forget by the time I'm done. I have to have alarms set for everything important, or I forget even basic things like showering, eating lunch, or taking the dog out.

that type of memory problem is not a usual side effect of ECT. everyone has that problem more or less. i make lists and sometimes forget to consult them. i remember my take-before-eating-once-per-week-pill by putting it on the calendar and setting it out the night before beside the coffee pot that i usually reach for first thing. i still forget it sometimes. (never had ect.) could you be just being hard on yourself?

how are you at paying attention? inability to pay attention would be the thing that might cause driving problems.

from a dutch psychiatric scientific journal: The cognitive problems resulting from ect are threefold: short-term postictal confusion (immediately after the treatment), anterograde amnesia and retrograde amnesia. A patient affected by anterograde amnesia, is temporarily less able to remember what he or she has experienced over a period of three months after treatment. The brain of a patient with retrograde amnesia is unable to retrieve or remember information or procedures 'saved' before the treatment took place.

above in plain english: if you have ECT again, you might have to relearn how to drive. or, if you're within three months after ECT, you might have trouble learning and remembering something new. for a few hours after the procedure, you're likely to be confused.



dragonsanddemons
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24 Sep 2019, 11:24 am

cathylynn wrote:
that type of memory problem is not a usual side effect of ECT. everyone has that problem more or less. i make lists and sometimes forget to consult them. i remember my take-before-eating-once-per-week-pill by putting it on the calendar and setting it out the night before beside the coffee pot that i usually reach for first thing. i still forget it sometimes. (never had ect.) could you be just being hard on yourself?

how are you at paying attention? inability to pay attention would be the thing that might cause driving problems.

from a dutch psychiatric scientific journal: The cognitive problems resulting from ect are threefold: short-term postictal confusion (immediately after the treatment), anterograde amnesia and retrograde amnesia. A patient affected by anterograde amnesia, is temporarily less able to remember what he or she has experienced over a period of three months after treatment. The brain of a patient with retrograde amnesia is unable to retrieve or remember information or procedures 'saved' before the treatment took place.

above in plain english: if you have ECT again, you might have to relearn how to drive. or, if you're within three months after ECT, you might have trouble learning and remembering something new. for a few hours after the procedure, you're likely to be confused.


I never had these problems until the ECT, is why I blame it. I just have trouble getting things to "stick" in my memory - I remember things for about three seconds before I forget them again. I think I have both some anterograde and retrograde amnesia, although the anterograde hasn't gone away even though it's been ten months. I was told that the memory issues may or may not resolve, I'm guessing not at this point. I do have unrelated attention issues that have made me think for quite some time that I'm not suited for driving, but now I'm also afraid that I'll forget something important about driving while I'm doing it.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


cathylynn
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24 Sep 2019, 12:21 pm

cathylynn wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
cathylynn wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
+5

Feeling like maybe, just maybe, I can get myself to the point that I can live on my own, except for transportation. With my memory issues, I don't know if I even should be trying to drive - I might be an unsafe driver due to lapses of memory even if I can get to the point where I can get a license (and afford a car). But then I remembered that some places offer transportation services for the disabled, and I'm pretty sure I'd qualify for that. It would be $5 or so a ride and there might be stops along the way to pick up/drop off other people, and I'd have to schedule 2 days or more in advance. But I don't get out much and don't plan on changing that anytime soon, so would probably mostly just have weekly grocery runs or something. Cheaper than Uber, and I'd set a schedule for myself so one day a week was shopping day. In other words, it feels very doable. So, I feel more like living on my own might be achievable, which makes me happy.

that's the spirit. would you mind describing an example of the memory issues? are they related to anxiety?


My memory issues are caused by ECT I had for depression. One example is that I have a medication I'm supposed to take just after dinner, and I'll remember about it while I'm eating but forget by the time I'm done. I have to have alarms set for everything important, or I forget even basic things like showering, eating lunch, or taking the dog out.

that type of memory problem is not a usual side effect of ECT. everyone has that problem more or less. i make lists and sometimes forget to consult them. i remember my take-before-eating-once-per-week-pill by putting it on the calendar and setting it out the night before beside the coffee pot that i usually reach for first thing. i still forget it sometimes. (never had ect.) could you be just being hard on yourself?

how are you at paying attention? inability to pay attention would be the thing that might cause driving problems.

from a dutch psychiatric scientific journal: The cognitive problems resulting from ect are threefold: short-term postictal confusion (immediately after the treatment), anterograde amnesia and retrograde amnesia. A patient affected by anterograde amnesia, is temporarily less able to remember what he or she has experienced over a period of three months after treatment. The brain of a patient with retrograde amnesia is unable to retrieve or remember information or procedures 'saved' before the treatment took place.

above in plain english: if you have ECT again, you might have to relearn how to drive. or, if you're within three months after ECT, you might have trouble learning and remembering something new. for a few hours after the procedure, you're likely to be confused.


that does sound scary.



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24 Sep 2019, 1:40 pm

-9

I feel just like an overworked plumber;
I'm sick of this s**t, what's Jack Kevorkian's phone number?


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24 Sep 2019, 5:39 pm

-5 Just feel dysphoric for no reason today



la_fenkis
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24 Sep 2019, 11:17 pm

I'm with ya there.

-2 some general depression is coming over me the past couple days that the antidepressants aren't seemingly impacting the course of. I'd like to say it's loneliness, but I also would rather not interact with almost anyone around me in physical space at this point.



Last edited by la_fenkis on 24 Sep 2019, 11:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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24 Sep 2019, 11:19 pm

-5

I'm scared to go to sleep because of my sleep paralysis.


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25 Sep 2019, 6:00 pm

+2, other than a gut ache and minor itching, I'm feeling decent



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25 Sep 2019, 6:13 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
-5

I'm scared to go to sleep because of my sleep paralysis.


Gentle, cozy dragon hugs. I can't even imagine how terrifying sleep paralysis must be. Here's hoping you can get a good, paralysis-free night's sleep.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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25 Sep 2019, 8:58 pm

-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering.

I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.


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25 Sep 2019, 9:56 pm

martianprincess wrote:
-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering.

I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.

you know about how the race goes not to the swift but to the determined. or something like that.



martianprincess
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25 Sep 2019, 10:38 pm

auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering.

I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.

you know about how the race goes not to the swift but to the determined. or something like that.


I'm just being dramatic, as usual. :( I think this was just the thing that toppled over the build-up of anxieties I've had. I cried and now I'm just going to work harder than I was and keep trying to increase my grade. I got a way-above average grade compared to the class average but it's still not good enough. Ugh. It didn't help the other pre-med people in my lab group got As (except one) and constantly brag about their achievements, and the professor came up to me in front of my lab table (they don't really talk to me like they do to each other, thanks to my wonderful social skills that make me seem cold and aloof :roll: ) and said "your score was good but if you have questions you can come to my office hours." I'M THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS TO. It makes me feel so small.


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I don't even really like horses
I like wild orchids and neighbors with wide orbits


auntblabby
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25 Sep 2019, 10:41 pm

martianprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering.

I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.

you know about how the race goes not to the swift but to the determined. or something like that.


I'm just being dramatic, as usual. :( I think this was just the thing that toppled over the build-up of anxieties I've had. I cried in my car and now I'm just going to work harder than I was and keep trying to increase my grade. I got a way-above average grade but it's still not good enough. Ugh. It didn't help the other pre-med people in my lab group got As (except one) and constantly brag about their achievements, and the professor came up to me and said "your score was good but if you have questions you can come to my office hours." I'M THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS TO. It makes me feel so small.

when i need comforting, i read "Desiderata" and its line, "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans."



martianprincess
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25 Sep 2019, 10:44 pm

auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering.

I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.

you know about how the race goes not to the swift but to the determined. or something like that.


I'm just being dramatic, as usual. :( I think this was just the thing that toppled over the build-up of anxieties I've had. I cried in my car and now I'm just going to work harder than I was and keep trying to increase my grade. I got a way-above average grade but it's still not good enough. Ugh. It didn't help the other pre-med people in my lab group got As (except one) and constantly brag about their achievements, and the professor came up to me and said "your score was good but if you have questions you can come to my office hours." I'M THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS TO. It makes me feel so small.

when i need comforting, i read "Desiderata" and its line, "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans."


I usually try not to, but the pre-med environment is pretty toxic and if you were a confident person before, you'll eventually be broken down so much you'll barely feel like a husk of a person. (:

(I used to be confident and now I just feel like a broken, dumb person who can't do anything right.... Cheers).


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I don't even really like horses
I like wild orchids and neighbors with wide orbits


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25 Sep 2019, 10:47 pm

martianprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering. I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.

you know about how the race goes not to the swift but to the determined. or something like that.


I'm just being dramatic, as usual. :( I think this was just the thing that toppled over the build-up of anxieties I've had. I cried in my car and now I'm just going to work harder than I was and keep trying to increase my grade. I got a way-above average grade but it's still not good enough. Ugh. It didn't help the other pre-med people in my lab group got As (except one) and constantly brag about their achievements, and the professor came up to me and said "your score was good but if you have questions you can come to my office hours." I'M THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS TO. It makes me feel so small.

when i need comforting, i read "Desiderata" and its line, "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans."


I usually try not to, but the pre-med environment is pretty toxic and if you were a confident person before, you'll eventually be broken down so much you'll barely feel like a husk of a person. (: (I used to be confident and now I just feel like a broken, dumb person who can't do anything right.... Cheers).

i have faith in your ability to prevail. :star:



martianprincess
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25 Sep 2019, 10:50 pm

auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
-9

I f****d up by thinking I could try to be a doctor. I was already feeling like existing is inconvenient lately and getting my score back from an exam today made it worse. I feel like I’m wasting my time when all I can do is get Bs on tests no matter how much I study and everyone else around me gets As. I am such an idiot. The really sad thing is I’d make such an amazing physician and I can’t understand why getting Bs in classes matters more than that. I’ve been working towards this for over a year and uprooted my life and career for this. Failure is not a f*****g option and here I am, floundering. I feel so lost and so dejected. I’m so so so tired of never feeling good enough.

you know about how the race goes not to the swift but to the determined. or something like that.


I'm just being dramatic, as usual. :( I think this was just the thing that toppled over the build-up of anxieties I've had. I cried in my car and now I'm just going to work harder than I was and keep trying to increase my grade. I got a way-above average grade but it's still not good enough. Ugh. It didn't help the other pre-med people in my lab group got As (except one) and constantly brag about their achievements, and the professor came up to me and said "your score was good but if you have questions you can come to my office hours." I'M THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS TO. It makes me feel so small.

when i need comforting, i read "Desiderata" and its line, "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans."


I usually try not to, but the pre-med environment is pretty toxic and if you were a confident person before, you'll eventually be broken down so much you'll barely feel like a husk of a person. (: (I used to be confident and now I just feel like a broken, dumb person who can't do anything right.... Cheers).

i have faith in your ability to prevail. :star:


Thanks. :heart:
A lot of people I know do and sometimes I feel like an imposter and like I'm failing everyone. Realistically I know that's not true.


_________________
The phone ping from a pillow fort in a corn maze
I don't have a horse in your war games
I don't even really like horses
I like wild orchids and neighbors with wide orbits