scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-4 My head has really been bothering me for several days in a row... actually, about two weeks if you add the week and a half I had of migraines every day. Still just that "ugh" feeling. Still can't stop thinking about the probably nonexistent Brian the brain tumor, still hoping for a relatively easy fix like just removal of a tumor to at least stop my memory degradation. Also still not very attached to living, I don't really care if Brian is there but can't be removed and will kill me. At least it would be an end to all this. But probably it isn't something as simple as that, I'll probably have to just wait until I really can't take it anymore and then do the deed myself.

-4. No point in trying to bond with others when anxiety kicks in too much and when people get annoyed with me anyway. Back to living my schizoid self.

-10
Had people use old pictures on my Facebook to Harass and fat shame me, cause they couldn’t defeat my argument

A 'neither' positive or negative. Because it's too weird for me to say it in numbers.
Almost none of it are since that day, months ago...




I never minded that mirror in front of my space whenever I'm doing whatever as I sit at said space.

Then just yesterday, I starred at this reflection... And, well, for some reason, I smiled at it.
It was strange.

It's not phenomenal or unusual, nor I made a habit of staring myself at the mirror. Sure, I'm also guilty of making faces at it.
But I always has this weird feeling about looking at my own reflection if I took it more than just some reference about my own face and image... I always treat it more of a reference than anything else.


... Somewhat, until yesterday, when I had smiled at it.
A part of me thought that the reflection smiled back, despite it's absurdity. Then...
I found myself interacting with my own reflection as if it's telling me something -- or me telling something at it. I don't know.
As if this reflection thought shes some 'big sister' telling me to fix myself first -- or was it me telling me that to the disheveled reflection? I don't know.

.. I ended up fixing my hair and straightening my posture for that. As if I'm trying to accommodate the reflection, and so the reflection tries to accommodate me back -- as if it's trying to show me how to straighten up well while trying to adjust.



This is weird.
I never doubted the logic behind my reflection's existence, my own appearance, my sense of self, my own self image and self-esteem.
... Maybe until now.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

3

Not coping well with the general situation today and the stresses of being cooped up in a confined area with my wife are beginning to grow. Its the kind of stress that makes me feel physically sick. Monday morning sees me back at work which is a kind of pressure and stress that I can cope with far easier.

-4. No access to alcohol. I used to drink a bit here and there to overcome social anxiety, but now I can't and have been mostly alone due to being too afraid to talk to people.

-9 I knew I was getting my hopes up way too much about my issues being resolved as simply as "find tumor, remove tumor, recover from surgery, carry on." Instead I was told that all of this is caused by orthostatic hypotension (my blood pressure plummeting when I stand up). My doctor said it might be caused by an electrolyte imbalance, they took some blood to check. But basically it's just "we're probably going to tinker with your meds some more, that may or may not help, but you don't have a tumor - oh, and by the way, it won't help your memory issues at all." It feels like all I have to look forward to is my memory continuing to slowly decline, ending up being put in some kind of care home when I become too much for my parents to handle, not getting a thing out of life that's good, just a whole lot of bad, wishing I was dead but not being able to do the deed myself for one reason or another. I can't trust that anything I don't remember didn't happen. I can't even trust that what I do remember did happen. Can I even trust that what's happening right now is actually happening? Really, already I don't want to keep living like this, and it seems that all it'll do is keep getting worse.

-10

3... I ate too much; I shouldn't have taken that second plate of soup.

I thought the pot had only a little left and that it wouldn't be enough for tomorrow's meal anyway, so I thought I could just eat it all away, but there was more than I thought. It would've been enough for tomorrow after all... now I have to come up with something else for tomorrow.

7
At the drive thru

A Starbucks lady with a warm personality recognized me and had a little chat while waiting for the food to be heated.
She was working at another Starbucks that the funny one liked to go to before the pandemic. He especially liked her --and walking by the creek just outside that shop.

-2

Well, I wish it was minus two. Too hot to work it the attic.

Weather is annoying!

-3. I have a big fear of judgement and just got judged around 2 hours ago. Ended up cutting myself to feel better.

Those are only your thoughts convincing you to believe such things in this moment.

So talk to someone else. About anything or nothing at all. Chat on the forums, send messages or texts, pick up phone and have a verbal or video conversation if you feel the need to talk to someone.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.