scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-10, might commit suicide (again)
This time I'm thinking of hanging myself or slitting my wrists.

9. Serj tankian is a god.

About -5.

Was told yesterday I'm not good enough to do the dancing exam I had set my heart on. I feel old, fat, clumsy (& extremely stupid for ever thinking I could do it in the first place!)

6... Seriously bad headache finally letting up, spring flowers just starting to bloom. Not sure what my energy level is today, but at least I'm not flat out unconscious.

4, I'm nervous. My NT friend is wanting to come over.

I'm around a 5 right now...regretting being suicidal again, but otherwise I'm feeling better.

I'm a 8. My mother once told me to write "a book on my experience with AS". I will, all right. The contents of all my posts will be in it. A lot of it is about her.

-6.
bad obsession day. I feel drained and my mind keeps turning over the fact certain clothes aren't loose on me and making it feel like my worst nightmare.

On a plus note, my ASDA checkout friend who talks to both me and the male I used to be obsessed with, engaged us both in conversation at the same time and he actually didn't move away or ignore me etc. That is a first. Would be nice to have another friend round here.

8. We all understand each other here; it's so nice.

-2

I am worried that since I dropped two classes and changed my major, a close friend won't think I'm goal-oriented.

10. I feel at peace here at the university. I only have one simple task left to do this week before I leave for spring break.

-10

I should have never gone back to college. I should have stayed working as a mapping technician. I was much happier back then.

And now that I only have one class, I am suddenly $5,500 in debt.

5 I guess. I feel sick and nervous. I'll have friend over who I haven't seen in a while. Not sure how I'm going to deal with her. I wish it didn't feel like a job for me to hangout with friends. Most ppl take it for granted, I have to make sure nothing stupid comes out of my mouth.

-3. I feel like s**t for overreacting about something, but was it overreacting? I'm so confused. I keep getting this image in my head of the cops here with tranquilizer guns and taser batons out and ready to use, "for my own safety". I can see my mother dragging me back to Canada escorted by the cops and getting a court order to have me locked up and evaluated. Or rather, given the diagnosis of autism and not understanding danger because of it and having me given to her as her property, as an adult under her custody.


I can see myself in the Judge Rotenberg Center, trying to kill the staff member following me around and watching my every move with the activator for the shocker they use on me when I'm "bad" clipped onto her belt. I can see her zapping me 30 times and then I can see myself trying to kill myself and them zapping me 27 times. For my own good. For the greater good.


None of this has happened to me, but there's a first time for everything.

-6.
Got stuck into a bad habit again of making myself vomit after eating sometimes.

I have done this twice in a row tonight as I feel so bad when I eat before bed, but I am always very hungry before bed.