I feel lonely at night

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Joined: 31 Oct 2005
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13 Aug 2009, 2:44 am

And during the late night loneliness, I can't help but think of bad things that have happened to me, from getting molested in my mid-teens to being bullied in my early teens for not being like everyone else. Then I think it was all my fault and how I could have done better to stand up for myself... then I keep beating myself up for it and telling myself I am a worthless excuse for a human being for letting it all happen.

There is nothing for me to do during the day besides sleep. And I can't go swimming simply because I do not enjoy it nor do I know how to swim properly, so then that means I have to take another year of swimming lessons or move to Hawaii.

Aimless
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13 Aug 2009, 4:42 am

You need something to do during the day. Do you have a special interest? Are you interested in doing some creative thing like writing or painting?

Fickle_Pickle
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13 Aug 2009, 5:02 am

Aimless wrote:

You need something to do during the day. Do you have a special interest? Are you interested in doing some creative thing like writing or painting?

Maybe, but the bad thoughts will try to attack me during activities. I feel like a big baby not having any "normal" activity for my age.

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13 Aug 2009, 5:41 am

Changing the way you think is possible but it takes discipline. I've done some reading on it in relation to meditation. The idea is not to suppress or deny bad thoughts but to acknowledge them and then release them. What I mean is to detach your "self" from the thought. Tell yourself you don't have to solve anything right now. Maybe you could sublimate those thoughts in some kind of art form. I know it's not easy. The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle is a good book to read.

Fickle_Pickle
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13 Aug 2009, 7:43 am

Aimless wrote:

But I am consumed by guilt. I deserve a beating for being a naive late bloomer, like I said before. I even hate being an aspie so much I would want to kill myself. :cry:

I can not possibly have any control, as I stated in my other thread http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt102430.html . I think pot would be MUCH better at making these feelings go away.

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13 Aug 2009, 7:59 am

Fickle_Pickle wrote:

Aimless wrote:

But I am consumed by guilt. I deserve a beating for being a naive late bloomer, like I said before. I even hate being an aspie so much I would want to kill myself. :cry:

I can not possibly have any control, as I stated in my other thread http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt102430.html . I think pot would be MUCH better at making these feelings go away.

Only temporarily and then worsening them (any substance used to make something go away does that). Ok, this may sound completely lame but try making a goal of looking up one new hobby a day (every two days, once a week, whatever works) and see if something catches your interest. Personally I try out random podcasts on a topic because I feel like I'm wasting time if I surf for too long and make myself go clean the house or something while listening. If you do use this method give each topic a couple of different podcasts worth of a chance (an episode from each) because it could just be the person's podcast that sucks not the topic. I guess the same would go for sites, books, magazines, etc... too.

ZEGH8578
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13 Aug 2009, 10:40 am

Fickle_Pickle wrote:

but you know its not your fault...

:/

can i suggest... i know this sounds like "why dont you try to snap out?" but... TRY to boss yourself to think about other things at night. "demand" of your own mind, to interrupt yourself, you know? i used to do that, but i was wallowing in "your usual self pity" :/
my parents used to hate each others, non stop, to the point of trying to trick me and my brother into signing documents against each others and stuff, i used to wallow in that self-pity as well, but i have NOTHING to do w their reasoning and thought-process anymore. "im out"

i wish there was a way you could move out. im convinced thats what you need. you'd still be messed up for a while but at least you could be for yourself :/

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13 Aug 2009, 4:59 pm

[bFicklePickle[/b] you mention blaming yourself for being molested in your mid teens-I am way ,way older than you, but I was molested at 13 and I can totally understand your conflicted feelings. Mine were mostly impotent rage and shame at being tricked into the situation and then not knowing how to get out of it once it was happening. Since the 2 men were adults and I was so fearful of authority I didn't assert myself. I carried this with me for years and every time I thought about it, the physical feelings of shame and rage would overcome me. As a matter of fact, it was only after anti- depressants that I was able to compartmentalize my feelings and not be overcome. So, I understand, and if you are just 18 the wounds are still very fresh. But the absolute truth is it not your fault that it happened and you do not deserve to be punished. Does your family know this happened?( I didn't tell my father until I was almost 30). If you need to make it your mantra then do so-It was not your fault!

I wonder if these guys who do this kind of thing for their jollies have any idea how much damage they do?

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13 Aug 2009, 9:01 pm

I did not intend to kill this thread sorry

Fickle_Pickle
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13 Aug 2009, 11:09 pm

Aimless wrote:

Yes, my family knows. I didn't tell until after summer started and he wasn't my driver anymore. When I went to court, I was to afraid and ashamed to tell the details (and I'd doubt he would have showed up). I only regret standing up for myself only on the third to the last day he was my driver. He tried to trick me again and I politely declined. After wards, he tried to manipulate my feelings (unsuccessfully) by saying "Why do you treat everybody like s**t?" I merely rolled my eyes at him. Then I told myself "If it was THAT easy, why didn't I do it earlier?! !" Then the guilt set in. The guy was always suspiciously nice and bought slurpees from the mini mart for all the students on the bus on the last day (it was a shame that I didn't realize that might be a warning sign, as before he started molesting me, he did ask me alot of questions about my life.) He also liked to tease this male student and make him angry, and gave alot of commands to another student, so I didn't know if this was a bad sign as well.

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14 Aug 2009, 2:32 am

I can't help but remember all the bad things that have happened to me at night, which makes me lose sleep. :cry:

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14 Aug 2009, 6:14 am

I think for your situation some kind of therapeutic process would be helpful. I don't mean getting in touch with your feelings-you already know what they are- but something like learning techniques to help relieve the emotional stress you are under. I'm thinking more along the lines of treatment for PTSD. You may already have some kind of therapy but as it's been discussed on this forum before, the usual kind of talk therapy is useless for many traumas. You need tools you can use.

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14 Aug 2009, 6:31 am

I sometimes lose sleep over dwelling over my past too. I was tempted to post a topic about it, until I saw your topics, and because I can relate to not letting go of the past so much, I decided to post here.

I wish I could supress my past memories with the use of medicine, then I can properly move on. Yeah sure I've moved on enough as it is, but some nights and even days I can't let go of the bullying, and the pain I've endured.

Even last night, I dreamt that I went back in time with the knowledge I know now to re-do my 5 years at Secondary School. It turned out I was a rebelling fighting, volatile, maniac, who was academically straight As. Due to the violence I got expelled from School and was home tutoured.

Now that I would've prefered. :wink:

But anyway yeah I know how you feel.