I feel so alone

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I went to the hospital last week and stayed for a week like always. My family's birthdays are triggers for me for some odd reason, this time was around my brother's birthday. Last year was my birthday. I say this all the time, but no one believes me about anything. I hate autism. I can't think. I am being repetitive, how fun. My group I USED to go to are the hellish group that has no brain, even a lower IQ than me if that was possible! They are supposed to understand mental health, but my pet bird can run it better and that isn't a joke. I was having a bad day and thinking negatively because my mom is sick and was scared she was going to die (she has near death experiences several times a year) and my stupid incompetent case worker comes over to me and says, "you are ruining group, bringing the group down, making people cry, now you can't come." She didn't think of asking WHY I was thinking that way or even let me defend myself. I am so wimpy. The Darkness spreads through the land. My stupid doctor from the hospital thinks I don't want pills so he thinks I fake the side effects. Oh yeah, I faked the tumor on the pituitary gland (confirmed by an MRI), the extreme weight gain, the hair falling out, a rash, some embarrassing side effects, an extremely weird one by shocking everything I touched. Everyone shoots down my experiences, including on boards and doctors. I am so far away from humans that its unbelievable, I have to travel far to go anywhere. I can't go into the details of what people tell be because it will immediately get shot down or tracked down. All that comes to our family is bad news, nothing good happens here. $2400 was stolen during the time I was at the mental hospital and absolutely NOTHING is going to happen to the stupid criminal. He used our credit card and bought a computer with it. This is exactly why I NEVER (well, only in one case because there is no way around it) use a credit card online or even in stores, only cash. This does nothing to help my trust issues. My whole body itches like crazy preventing me from sleeping. I hate the fact that I never appear depressed or my stated mood, so no proof. I almost always appear happy or even manic no matter my actual mood. Stupid incongruent affect. I really want the world to end, so suffering will end. I am desperately trying to find a psychiatrist that will help me (outside the hospital) and have been for around 5-6 months. My old one never cared even while I was suicidal, cutting, psychotic, knew I had bad reactions to some pills and increased the dose of those very pills. He also did not understand autism. Stress really gets to me. My new pill, Trileptal gave me a side effect and as usual its one of the rare ones. Slurred speech. I would do anything to have a real brain again and be a real human instead of a robot that destroys the world, other planets and galaxies. Now cows roam the streets. Neat. Welcome to the year 1809 in the middle of nowhere. Moo.

I am really sorry to hear that no one hears you or wants to take it seriously. I experienced that too. When people can't relate to what you are going through, they just toss you out as "crazy" and not pay attention to you. I am sorry to hear it. And I am sorry to hear you were kicked out of the group because you are upset, even though the group was meant to be a support group. It sounds like they treat you as a mashine with malfunction and that malfunction makes you "bring the group down". But you are not a mashine, you are a person, and there might be reasons why you do what you do.

As far as medications go, do they force you to take them? Are you only forced to take them while in the hospital, or do they force you to take them when you are out of the hospital as well? If you are not forced to take them, you simply shouldn't. Meds are bad for you in general, that is my believe. They don't solve the problem; they only try to mess you up in other ways in hopes that "two wrongs will make it up to right". So, just don't take meds, unless they make you.

And by the way, did they force you to go to the hospital or did you go there yourself? Again, if they don't force you to go, you shouldn't go. As you found out, the hospital is not there to help you, it is there for doctors to do what they are "supposed" to do to get the paycheck, and completely ignore the person you are. And yes, you are on a right track when it comes to looking for outpatient help. You should google it, and you will find plenty. So yes do seek outpatient help, but stay completely clear from the hospital.

And as far as being lonely I can relate to that too. Due to my Asperger no one likes me or wants to talk to me. They don't even bother find out why I am the way I am. So I am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing.

I am sorry that you experienced the same thing. Is it because we are autistic/ Asperger's? At the hospital they want you to take them and I always cooperate and don't fight it. I don't know if they actually "force" you to take it. I don't think they can force anything once you are out of the hospital. Yes, I believe poisons (the meds) are bad for you because I have had many side effects including the rare ones. I needed to go to the hospital for my own safety, I was suicidal because of the group and was heading for a total breakdown anyways. My bad group just pushed my last button. I am sure there are people out there that like you. You seem nice to me for example.

I know that hospitals have a right to force their patients take the meds, and they used that right on some patients. But some doesn't mean all. So may be you can try refusing meds and may be they won't force you, even though they have a right to?

So if they can't force you to do anything once you are out of the hospital, why don't you want to stop these meds? I know there might be bad side effects if you stop them suddenly, but may be you can try and stop them slowly?

I understand what you said about going to the hospital for your own safety because you were suicidal. But may be next time it happens you should go to your friends and ask them to watch you closely so you won't kill yourself? That way you won't have to go to the hospital. I know you probably don't have any friends since you said you are lonely. But just in case there is someone who is willing to do that for you, may be thats what you can do.

How about the tumor? Are they going to remove it, or are they ignoring it as well?

And yes as far as ppl not liking us that is because of autism/Asperger. Most ppl once they see someone is weird they just won't look past it, so they won't take time to find out anything that would be a reason to like a given person. I think it is very shallow.