I have had a lot of feelings lately. It would be nice to put them in bullet points. I have always had anxiety, but in the last weeks it has become exacerbated.
* Today, I was with my community service people. Toward the end of the day I triggered a small meltdown that I wanted to call my mom on the fly while she was at work. I complained "Why can't I get the whole picture instead of small detail while on the road?" She says "Err, that's why I'm kind of weary of your driving aspirations". I don't like being told how much of a danger I am to myself or others, like I can't be trusted with certain things.
* Related to driving: People say that teens and young adults are driving less, and I can use a self-driving car, but what I dearly want is an adventure, and I also want to leave a better impression on the opposite sex. I'm still kind of comforted to know that some people on WP drive.
* I had my heart broken by a girl in an ASD group a few weeks ago. Even though I was resilient, I still get a bit stung by seeing them together at my ASD social group. I envy that the guy can drive her girlfriend places, which I can't, and frankly I'm vengeful. I sometimes wish he'd lose his ability to drive.
* I have been told by my same community service person that she sees me only dating somebody of my "ilk", and I think she was talking about special-needs looking girls. I'm becoming convinced that I'm kind of special-needs looking myself. I just want a "normal" looking girlfriend. I know I sound like a shallow person, but I don't want to be exclusively limited in my dating pool.
* I think SHTF will apparently happen on May 12-13 because WW3 is predicted to begin by Horacie Villeges, a Roman Catholic. The beginning of WW3 is supposed to come a day after a false flag involving Syria and some other country (was it N. Norea?). When I died, I'd hope I was reincarnated on a different planet if this one goes to Hell, and I was still living as a human person, I would have a normal neurotypical childhood and adult experience. My dreams of the afterlife or reincarnation has no good backing, so what's the point in hoping? I wanted to be able to have parties, make friends and romantic partners, drive a car, have at least a low job, etc. basically I never established my life even at 25. I choke up in extreme sadness whenever my life flashes back before my eyes. I also don't want to experience whatever tragedy is supposed to happen on May 12-13 itself. I hope seeing it can be avoided. I don't know that my Catholic raising and God is making me feel any better, yet I pray my feelings to him anyway.
I might talk more later, but that's what I want to say for now. This deserves all the help and replies I can get.
08 May 2017, 9:58 pm
