"I'm so sorry you feel that way" and other mean ph

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I don't think they're trying to be mean, necessarily. They're simply trying to use good customer service skills. Now the whole "It is what it is" bit--yeah, that's a bit out of line there.

Apparently even NTs are annoyed by that sentence too. I came across an interesting article here

http://www.violentacres.com/archives/18 ... -that-way/

and apparently it's not an aspie thing to think apologizing means you were wrong for what you did and it was intentional and because it wasn't, why apologize? Lot of people have this concept of what an apology is and think it means this. I have seen quite a few posts here about this by aspies saying they refuse to apologize when it wasn't even their intent what they did so why should they apologize for things they did unintentional if it was an accident? I have never this wrong idea about apologies. I even even known NT kids growing up who wouldn't apologize either. But even she said it's common sense to most people so maybe it's half and half. Half of the people know this and the other half do not.

Of course I laughed at the snark at the end of the article and knew the author could be talking about some of us and we are painted as a**holes when we act that way. People wouldn't even know we have it so they would assume we are an ass.

It's a very sneaky nasty way of saying "too bad, I don't care about how you feel. Even if it's my fault, I don't explicitly admit it and I'm not going to do anything about it. I'll let you suffer!". I think certain types of people tend to say something like this.

I hate these, and I also hate "take care" and "I'm not sure". If you're not sure, couldn't you just give me your best hunch? It might help me! And as to "take care", well, don't get me started about that one. Yes, I know they're customary phrases in the US, but I interpret them too literally, I suppose.

"Take care" that is something one of my autistic friends says when he gets off the phone when he greets me bye bye.


"I'm not sure" I say this when I don't know the answer. I don't want to pretend I know what I am talking about and then have the person think I am so full of it and lying. I guess you can't win.

I think when you use those phrases in those contexts it isn't the same as what the OP is referring to, which are comments that are tossed around in a flippant way.

I believe "I'm sorry you feel that way" means that they think you are wrong to feel that way, but they want to diffuse that and deflect from the point you are making which they will never agree with you on, by acknowledging your feelings.

It depends on the context or situation.

They can be used in a nice way or they can be use in a nasty one.

Unfortunately you have to be able to read between the lines (as well as other things) to be able to tell.

There is no proof that he's lazy. He may never have heard of giving a discount for scratch and dent merchandise. That's very possible you know, and they may not have gone over that with him at all in training and he could have thought the whole thing was just made up to try and get him to give a different price, in which case he answered pretty nicely. New employees are not always told of all the policies and many times you find somebody trying to scam you when you are running a register. It happens., I've been there.

As for underpaid, well exactly how much do you want to pay for hardware? They pay minimum wage so they can sell their stuff at the price they do. If they pay their employees more, their prices go up. You get a raise over time, as you stay there and you also get more responsibility. However, as long as there are people willing to work for minimum wage, there will always be places that pay that wage, which is fine in my opinion because it allows them to sell things at a price that I, and many, many others can afford and wouldn't be able to otherwise.

"I'm sorry to hear that" isn't the same as "I', sorry you feel that way".
I have used both, and very differently.
"I'm sorry to hear that" is just a way of showing sympathy IMO. I've used that and meant it.


For me it means 'I'm sorry you feel that way, but I stand by what I said' if said after giving my opinion, or
'I'm sorry you feel that way but I can't relate' if someone reacts to something I don't (can also imply 'I think you're too sensitive', or
"I'm sorry you feel that way" after someone not being able to take a joke definitely means "gad you're way too sensitive!"
or when two people are incompatible and can't agree.


'It can't be changed.' *That's just the way it is'. A way of expressing it's out of my hands, I can't do anything about it (and at least sometimes, 'I don't really care' and 'I'm getting tired of listening to your protests'. )


'I've explained it. Which part of it didn't you get? I can't help you. Go away already.'


I don't find them to be mean. They have their uses, especially (IMO) "I'm sorry you feel that way".

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a non-apology.

It's not an apology, it's someone stating that they are sorry that you feel the way you do about something they did or a situation. Usually they say it when they disagree with you about it. Being sorry doesn't always mean you are apologizing. You can be sorry without apologizing. When someone has a family member that dies I tell them "I'm sorry for your loss". I'm not apologizing in any way because I didn't kill them, but I am sorry they lost the person they cared about.

Same with this. The speaker isn't sorry about their opinion or position or action, they are sorry that the listener is upset/angry/offended, etc by it because they didn't mean it to be that way.

Yes it's dismissive.

It's a level of communication that denies the fundamental need for honesty, to some extent. It's official, clean, quick, efficient, no nonsense.

Can feel quite brutal.

Feel sorry for them. Surely an ingenuous, thoughtful, open (even in a direct way) response is better? I prefer that.

Moondust isn't the OP.

I wouldn't hear "nasty" so much as detached, lazy, wanting to wash their hands of the situation (for all of those, pretty much), but I could be wrong.

Yeah, and one of them is a b***h with Coke bottle glasses.

This is an Al-anon meeting I go to because of our family situation (I did move out of the house and this family member is in rehab for the 3rd time now but that is another thread). After the meeting, we are encouraged to talk to someone after the meeting. The problem for me is I am on the autistic spectrum and everyone starts talking and it is so loud for me it is very painful. I am cupping my ear and covering the other one trying to hear somebody but since everyone else is NT they don't even notice that (how is that possible?) I have had to leave right away because it is so painfully loud. There are 2 other men and about 10 women and once the men get loud the women do to. Also, unfortunately, both of the other men are a**holes.

You are encouraged to have a sponsor and I was given a list of people to "call anytime". I had a question once and left messages for some people and it turns out this one woman did not want any man at all to call her becuase she had a fiance.

The next meeting "mary" yelled at me about Men help Men and Women help Women. I had called other women in the past and never had a problem. Then she yelled "That list is for emergencies" that is when I told her that I can read a label that is not there and how do I get permission? "stay after the meeting". I'm cupping my ear at this b***h with Coke bottle glasses, trying to tell her it is very loud and painful.

"I'm sorry you feel that way!"

So far, its been a month and I have not heard from anyone and when I went to a meeting later they acted like nothing is wrong. No one has tried to make it right or even talked to me at all.

So is that a nasty answer or what?

What's worse is that my mother needs Alanon and she has finally agreed to go and she does not know what happened to me because I don't want her to use this as an excuse to not go. She will go to another meeting group but then where does that leave me (as she wants to go herself without me, which I understand). Well, I guess that's now one night I have free.

P.S. As for it is what it is, some people have told me I should not have reported that to HD corporate because it would get the salesperson in trouble becuase "what if he had a family". As far I am concerned, I hope he was fired, because that is what is takes to get these people to not be a**holes. I never did receive any coupons or discounts even after talking to a bunch of managers either. And him having kids is not my fault.

You should know that generally I don't like people all that much.