People asking you for favors..

Post Reply New Topic

I hate it! And apparently I can do absolutely nothing about it..
Usually when somebody asks me for a favor, I say 'sure' without even taking a moment in thinking about how much time am I going to waste, etc..
I picked up this reputation at university as being the best programmer out there, great isn't it? I don't think so! Literally, every single day at least 3 or 4 people have to ask me for help in something, they ask with the most fake smile on their face "Sam how do we do this/that, just one more thing, how do you do that?" I don't want to waste my time anymore with those people, but I somehow end up helping them in the end. Today I entered my lecture 5 minutes late because I was teaching someone how to do something and lost track of time. I really love to be punctual for my classes, so today's incident really annoyed me.
Two week ago or so, a nice girl I know from university called me, at first we talked about a couple of things.. I felt so happy because somebody finally called me without asking me for anything. However, 5 minutes later she said it, "Sam, I want your help in my C++ homework because I honestly have no clue and I bet you can explain it to me in no time." Great! I thought that maybe if I could help her, she might start talking to me more often etc.. I was wrong, after helping her she never said a word to me.
I don't want to help anyone anymore!

Yeah, I can imagine how you feel.
Maybe you should put a price on these favours and begin earning some money, I guarantee you won't get any customers because people would rather prefer a free service than one that involves a trip to the bank.
My knowledge of Physics and Commercial Aviation isn't in the interest on many people, but often enough I get a queation relating to these interests 9/10 times I'm able to provide a good answer.

It only gets worse after you get out of school too! Everybody knows me as being very good with audiovisual equipment. My phone is constantly ringing off the hook with people wanting me to "look at " their television, VCR or some other device. While I enjoy working with audiovisual equipment, I do it all day long for a job, and when I come home, I want to do something different every so often. My own things come first, then others. If I agree to do something for someone else, then I must listen to a bunch of nagging why I haven't gotten to it yet. I have basically stopped doing things for others because of these reasons.

I have also stopped answering the phone, and instead let the answering machine screen all my calls. I hate phones, because I must stop what I am doing, and and answer it. When I do answer it, it's always somebody wanting something. When others want me to do something for them (usually at little or no cost) my phone rings off the hook. It NEVER rings however for someone who wants to just chat, or to invite me to spend time with them

So I'm not the only leech magnet

Its really sad when people take you and your skills for granted. You guys are right to be angry about it. Sometimes people only value things they have to pay for, or that are in short supply. Like those women who go on waiting lists just to get a handbag

Perhaps you could find some phrase you could practice so you could politely say that your time is valuable and you have too much to do at the moment to help them. Then you could only help people when it suits you and only help the people you want to.

Do you ever ask any of these people for a favour? I find it really difficult to ask people for help, but perhaps you could sometimes ask others to do something for you, even if just "I'll have time to fix your computer/vcr if you can go shopping for me/ do my ironing" or whatever. It would make your relationships with these people much more balanced and they would value you more.

Get a t-shirt printed with the words- "I do not work for free" or something like that,obviously wouldn't look right if also doing voluntary work,but it is a good way to get a message across,thinkgeek dot com has got some similar.

This used to happen to me all the time in high school. People knew I was smart, and took advantage of me left and right. So after getting screwed over many times, I've become far more stingy in giving out help. When I refused to help, people began to ostracize me. So when I graduated high school, I never looked back.

College was completely different. Although people still asked to see my notes, they were far more understanding when I refused to give them out. And with the homeworks, they stopped asking altogether, given how seriously cheating is taken in college. Towards the end, people stopped asking me for anything. I guess NTs can mature after all.

So now that brings me to the workplace. Unlike college and high school, giving out your knowledge is not only expected, but required. Since I'm good with programming, people call me if they need help writing an SQL query. However, if I need help with something I'm not good at, I call someone who is. So in the workplace, helping people is business as usual.

Instant payback ??

You never know how many years down the road you might get paid back,so if it ain't no big deal,give somebody a hand,what goes around comes around.

It's a small world and people cross paths years latter,do you want somebody to open a door for you down the road or remember you as the guy or girl who wouldn't give them a hand years ago.

i went to a huge high school 850 kids in graduating classes,my last job i ran across somebody i went to school with,we didn't know each other back than,but he knew people who knew me and found out i was ok from one of his current golfing buddies I hung around with in high school. over 25 years after high school and the connections are still there. Now what if I was a scumbag back on high school,the guy would have found out and spread the word around the place we where working at and things wouldn't have gone well at all.

I live in an urban area,not in some small town where every knows everyone and there is no way to hide from my past,so I'm thankful it's nothing to worry about. The job before that one the boss knew people from the area I grew up in,he was a few years older tham me,but could get personal referances in a second from people we both knew decades ago.

You might not be making good friends helping out the ungrateful users,but you aren't putting up roadblocks either by helping them. People will go on to be plumbers & carpenters and auto mechanics and you will run across somebody who will remember what you did for them. You get to use them down the road and they will remember they owe you one.some of them won't pay you back even if they get the chance to and others will,thats the way people are. If you have nobody in your debt,you will never catch a break down the road.

You might not be building up a good network of close friends,but you are building up a network of people on your side.

I do the same thing but kinda like it since I'll only do stuff for people who I like. Ussally people who don't know me or I don't like will not approach me. I've had peolpe bake me cookies,pies and do all sorts of thing becuse they Know I come though if they ask for something

I will challenge the next cheapskate I encounter to log in and read this thread. Maybe then some of these tightwads will get a new perspective that our time and our talents are worth something.

Do lawyers, doctors, engineers, and others working in cheir chosen vocations not get paid for their work? Of course! That's why people have careers in the first place. Do some think we can live on air and water?

I'll second this one to night as I too, in the past, have been hounded around the clock by people wanting me doing things for them without any pay or renumeration of any kind, until I got playing hardball, and then, POOF! The cheapskates were gone like magic. I didn't think it could be so easy to be the Great Houdini

btw - Everything seen on this thread is exactly why I stopped pursuing a professional career in graphic design and illustration. You know what my line with that one is? I'll tell you what it is and it comes in a set of 3: (1) I don't work for cheap, (2) I don't work on speculation, and (3) I ask for 50% of the estimated cost up front, cash or certified cheque before I even open a tube of paint. If they don't honor that condition, then they never had respect for what I could do anyway

Yes, favours are very much an area where we're used and taken advantage of. An area where those asking favours seem to think it's quite easy to take advantage too.

The couple who used to live in the apartment below me used to come up and ask me for milk, margarine or butter about 4 times a week. They were later evicted.

And there's a 'friend' of mine who asked for access to my computer whenever he wanted, because of his obsessive attempts to get a date at all costs on a dating site. He's stopped doing this because he wasn't successful getting dates and I don't hear from him any more. Not that I want to, but that's another story.

But I was just too kind and just couldn't say no.

My dad has this problem (aspie) but he only does it for strangers not his own family. It pisses my mum off. I had more of a problem with it when I was younger.

I have one that I wear to work sometimes. It says "Let me drop everything and work on your problem." (Italics included.)

Don't get me started on those kind of favours. There's heaps of people like that in my area and you have to put your foot down with them because they do nothing for themselves. Apparently their alcohol/gambling/pot/smack is a legitimate living expense and it's not fair that they're expected to pay rent and buy groceries. So when they're not trying to get change or cigs out of strangers, they're trying to get free food at the shops, free beer down at the pub, and I pity the poor ticket inspector who tries explaining to them that they're not entitled to a free ride on the train. What really annoys me is that they usually have kids with them, who they're bringing up into that lifestyle.

I may sound a bit right-wing here - believe it or not, I'm actually an active Socialist - but I've got nothing against people getting the dole, rent assistance or any of the concessions that go with it. It's just that I was until recently severely underemployed and doing it hard, behind in the rent, not even eating properly, so I ended up having to give up what vices I did have. Needless to say one side effect it had on me was that I developed a hair trigger temper with any stranger who couldn't understand how I was not well off enough to help them out. Especially if they had a ciggie in their hand! I'd just say well, you're obviously doing better than me...

Bottom line is that I have friends who are on the dole but are very clean living and although they struggle at times, they meet all their living expenses without resorting to begging from neighbours or strangers. So it's possible

yeah dude, you chould people by teh hour or by the job.
that what i do with computers and lifeguarding.
if there is a need people will pay for the person with the best skills. (bow staff, and other useless skills dont count.)
you have the skills and so you charge what you feel is reasonable.

That is a tough one, I'm just learning how to say no to people as I've learned that taking on too much just stresses me out and that ends up with me needing a time out for a couple of days.

I like Data's idea of saying 'yes I'll do that for you if you cook me dinner/ do my housework/ take me to the cinema...' well they'd be what I'd want out of the deal. I reckon anyone half decent would be happy to do something in return, and if they're not you get to say no to the favour.

I'm going to use that one, cheers Data.