Do you ever feel like you are fading away when you are nice?

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My life is improving with improved health. But there seems to be a limit to just how good life can be. When I am alone I have at times practised love, perhaps focussing on someone I care about and I feel like I am floating off the ground. Very disconcerting.

I have many many nice friends who are very good people and do good things in their communities and the world at large. Despite what you might think, I'm always the darker one. (Always the contrarian!). I just cannot handle so much niceness. I have been experimenting by writing nice words on things around me and when they enter my field of vision I feel like I am disappearing.

I have realised that I perpetuate depression in order to ground myself but really don't understand the dynamic here.

Any ideas?

No doubt about it, you get more attention when you're disagreeable than when you're nice.

Maybe you have a feeling that there is much more to life than just loads of "niceness"? Like thrill, excitement, the adrenalin rush one gets from the dark, the dangerous and the subversive?

Or maybe the niceness starts to seem shallow and hypocritical after a while?

For me, too much niceness is sinister. Anything that completely lacks irony is creepy.

Like Anne Geddes' photographs of babies and flowers. Ugh. Horrible.

I feel the opposite that you do. I feel that I'm a better person when I'm nice, and I feel that I'm fading away if I do something hurtful.

IMO, fighting or a discussion is more intense than being nice. It's just a different kind of energy. Rough stuff has the same effect on me as a cup of really strong coffee, it makes me feel alert, active, attentive, creative. Conflicts are offering a more intense stimulus than harmony.

I am definately more intersted in the dark side of reality.
I am more than happy to get my hands dirty and dive headfirst into the cesspool of life.
I am very honest and typically if there are underlying issues i would rather dredge them up and disucss them as they are the elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore.
I like shining the light of truth on everything hidden to bring it out into the open
too often people are too afraid to exlore their shadow.

Being nice doesn't mean being weak, and being dark doesn't make you strong. Any act of charity or kindness should be a choice by you. Basically, find a philosophy of life and stick with it. You never 'have' to be nice to anyone, but you should also never expect it in return.

I'm always nice, except by accident.

used to be a hater when I was a kid though ... the bullying was still too fresh in my head. I was very mean, not really intentionally, just by being myself.

I still have a major dark side, but eventually I was able to recognize the difference between dumping my personal crap on other people and just talking to them. Sure, I don't emotionally commit myself to such conversations.

I love learning, and I have learned the most amazing things from polite, innocuous conversations. You don't have to interrogate someone to learn from them, and you don't have to lecture someone to teach them.

These days I'm more inclined to look for what I might have in common with someone, instead of forcing our differences to the fore. Why have an argument about religion with an old lady when I could be having fun learning about pickling or gardening? I'm super into pickling and gardening, and it's no less "being myself" to focus on a mutual interest than to force an argument about a mutual disinterest.

And when you say you are practicing "love" by yourself, i feel like you are actually practicing affection. Having a liking for or affinity towards someone. Just one small part of "love."

I read this initially as being nice and accommodating and sacrificing part of yourself to agree with people and not cause trouble - which I do. I find I get on better with people when I feel happier and I am more altruistic/positive around them.
You can sometimes bond with people over a shared moan as long as they are in the same frame of mind.

Sounds like the old "Should I lie about who I am just to keep peace with those around me?" question.

I don't think it's necessary to be untrue to who you are in order to get along with others. There are ways to be honest at all times, while not offending, or at least while not doing anything that SHOULD offend anyone.

It's a tricky business though, and one that is really hard to learn, and takes a long time to learn for Aspies.

I am very honest and typically if there are underlying issues i would rather dredge them up and disucss them as they are the elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore.
I like shining the light of truth on everything hidden to bring it out into the open
too often people are too afraid to exlore their shadow.

Yes I am exactly the same.

What I did not explain was that this whole year I have avoided people almost totally. Have not sought company at all, for the first time in my life.

So I am describing times when I am alone. I know it's weird right? I look at these nice words and I feel like "I" am fading into niceness or something. It feels so etheric - niceness. Whereas the darkness people describe feels so much more "meaty". I already feel etheric, ungrounded, not entirely here.

Being surrounded by niceness is sickening lol. Sickly sweet. Almost makes my head spin. I always feel like I have to be the darkness in the light. And that often means "shining the light of truth" on others shadows just to feel some sense of comeraderie with people around me.

Dont give away your power
Dont try to be something you are not
Be gentle with the gentle folk
Be tough with the tough folk

Even the unspoken words in your mind
Send out emanations

know thyself
unto thy self be true

You have been alone a fairly long time, and have now gathered your depleted energies, now you reach out and wish to connect with others.

I notice you have some energy dissipative tendencies here..... do not invest so much of yourself, (be brief).... otherwise you will drain your recently built up reserves, and once again need to withdraw from others

Those dark thoughts affect your liver function and energy levels

To me, being nice is the 'easy way out'. I'm much more likely to get what I want when I'm nice, and people in general seem to like me more. In fact, being nice makes things so easy that in the past it seemed to be too easy, too boring.

However, when not being nice, I have to be mean, which ultimately is depressing unless I do some sort of complex logical acrobatics that never quite make sense enough to actually work, and I always end up feeling bad/depressed/etc.

There is a third technique though, and that is limiting interaction to the bare minimum. When I feel I must interact, I am generally nice. That said (written), I'm still not always in complete control of my raw emotions, but I'm much better than I was - for instance, I actually have a concept of not 'having to do' what my emotional center wants me to do

An odd thing about being mean too, if you 'hide'/express your meanness as humor, people will often go along with it, even thinking it makes you a 'fun person'. It's still being mean, though. And if nothing else, mocking others always made me self-conscious that others would mock me back, whereas when being nice, there is no such worry - so even from a selfish standpoint, it reduces general fear to be nice rather than mean/comedic.

Oh, technically you could also use self-effacing type humor, but I never understood that at all. At best it's a way of apologizing for a mistake. Usually though it just makes the self-effacer look like an idiot (which I guess is the goal after all.. odd).

Holy crap! Surfman is psychic! Thanks. I was really touched by your words and will take that away with me. I can feel them helping me soften already. Yes I am focussing on my kidneys currently and will soon address my liver. Thanks.

When I have energy it is out of control. I think I decided subconsciously somewhere along the line that depression and lack of energy was better. I think if I can learn to ground then my energy might be grounded and sustainable. More water and Earth element I suspect. Less Fire, Air, Ether.


An odd thing about being mean too, if you 'hide'/express your meanness as humor, people will often go along with it, even thinking it makes you a 'fun person'. It's still being mean, though. And if nothing else, mocking others always made me self-conscious that others would mock me back, whereas when being nice, there is no such worry - so even from a selfish standpoint, it reduces general fear to be nice rather than mean/comedic.

Oh, technically you could also use self-effacing type humor, but I never understood that at all. At best it's a way of apologizing for a mistake. Usually though it just makes the self-effacer look like an idiot (which I guess is the goal after all.. odd).

Yes. I am so hopeless with humour. When it does come out naturally, it comes out as an observation of human nature and peoples secret foibles. OR yes self effacement. Friends are uncomfortable that I am giving myself a hard time but it is the only thing I know so well I can construct humour from it.

A key thing too about being nice to people is that I never feel I get much out of relationships (they feel like a lot of work more than anything), and being nice tends to lead to relationships. It is in my best interest to not be 'overly' nice.

Then too there are the surprisingly (to me) numerous amount of people who have taken advantage of my kindness, actually harming me..

I realize lately too that with the friendships I have had, I have almost never approached the people to be friends with them, they have approached me, and I've been nice to them out of some since of 'social obligation', because I've been trained to feel guilty otherwise. I do also recall situations where I myself felt depressed because I was rejected, but I lacked self-confidence and so that is no longer a valid reason to suppose that others would feel the same way.

Overall, people are just a lot of work. Taken as a massive whole they can produce some interesting stuff but on an individual level they have inevitably proven tedious.

My goal with these explanatory posts is to somehow make people understand why I act the way I do.. Having explained, I no longer feel guilty about acting this way, and I no longer feel compelled to write 'metaphorical' explanations of the same thing that nonetheless never quite explain what I'm saying directly,and so I feel compelled to write more 'metaphors', etc. etc.

Bye