I feel terrible

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I feel so anxious I can't eat and I'm having diarrhea and rocking and can't work and can't study. Finals are next week and my rent is due and I don't have the money.

I know I'm getting worked up and making it worse. All I can think about is wanting to flee.

Hoping that getting this out in the "open" will make me feel better.

I am about 30 minutes away from just leaving work. Again. I really don't understand why I haven't been fired for my erratic behavior yet. It actually makes me feel worse, because I feel so unneeded that they don't care if I come in 2 hours late or leave early.

I feel sick and my head is swimming. And my nails are bleeding from biting them off and my cheeks are raw from biting the inside of my mouth. I feel trapped by my anxious behavior.

Sorry you're feeling that way unfortunately, I don't know of a way to make it stop but I certainly know the feeling...except I don't bite my nails or inside of my cheeks I more grind my teeth. Anyways you're not totally alone in those feelings, don't know if that really helps any.

Uhh, study for your finals and fix your rent problem?

1. You need to get some professional help for your anxiety and stress. If you don't have health insurance and can't get Medicaid, go to the hospital emergency room for help. BY LAW they can't turn you away. They have to treat you. They can point you towards Medicaid, or work out a payment schedule, or put you in touch with a charitable organization that helps low/no income people with medical bills. Many hospitals even have their own charity plans.

2. Since you are having money problems, go to the local public assistance office. Apply for housing assistance to pay your rent, and Food Stamps. The money saved by not spending it on food, can be used to pay some of your bills. If your job doesn't provide health insurance, apply for Medicaid. There is also Temporary Cash Assistance, but as long as you are employed, and don't have kids, you are unlikely to get that.

As for paying bills, the credit cards should get paid LAST. Food, shelter, car bills, utility, and medical bills all come before credit cards. Also, no buying non essentials for now. And if you have been paying for cable or satellight TV, dump it, and buy a Roku for your TV. This allows you to get internet TV on your TV set, as long as you have cable or satellight internet service and a home wireless network. That way, instead of paying for two services--one for TV service, and one for the internet--you will only pay for one--the internet.

Hope your finals, and your problems work out well.

I left work. I finished my daily work and told my boss before leaving, so I was able to handle some amount of responsibility. I put in 2.8 hours today.

I feel better initially when I leave work and come home, but that's not a sustainable way to handle my anxiety, because then I don't have enough money to cover rent or food or other bills. My anxiety doesn't really give a f**k about bills, though. Or food. It just wants me in a fetal position in my bed, under the covers.

It also wants me to vaporize weed right now. I regret turning to drugs when I'm feeling anxious or depressed, but it's very hard for me to avoid when it's just a room away...

I'm not going to do that this time though. I'm going to punch my anxiety in the face and just take my day bit by bit and do a 15/30 min. study/relax ratio if that's all I can get out of myself right now.

I'm starting to get to the point where I have a decent idea of what my catalysts for anxiety buildup are. In order to function decently I have to have a nutritionally dense diet, 40+ minutes of intense cardiovascular exercise, 9 hours of sleep, daily anti-depressant pills, NO alcohol, a strict daily routine, a 2-day weekend, a clean house... it's a lot, and if one of those things get off track the rest usually follows unless I can catch myself, but usually it's too late. I feel like such a sensitive wimp!

That cheek-biting thing is giving me premature wrinkles around my mouth, but I can't stop, even though I'm pretty vain; I like to keep my skin looking as young as possible. My anxiety doesn't care about any of that, though. I usually don't even realize I'm doing it until it hurts too much to eat.

I don't know what I'm doing right now typing this. It's a good release for me, I think. It helps to get my thoughts out where I can see them.

Sweetleaf, it really does help knowing that I'm not the only one that gets crippled like that. Logically I'm sure I can't be the only one with anxiety, but it helps to hear that from someone who's experienced it.

Uugh, I feel like a failure. I hate letting my emotions get the better of me. There's just too much to think about, and I feel that I don't have the right processing speed to handle my workload with the way things are now. My processor just freezes up.

Seriously though, thanks for the well-wishes. As luck would have it, I have free health insurance through my work (it's like $2 a month). I keep forgetting to sign up for their low-income program. I wonder if I can take care of that right now online. My psychiatrist stamped me with a generalized anxiety disorder and keeps pushing anti-depressants on me in greater and greater doses. I've taken many different kinds with nasty side effects until I found one that helps with the depression, but I don't want to keep upping my dose because I'll just be full of drugs that I can't come down from without sinking into depression, and my problems will still be here, I'll just give less of a s**t about them.

I applied for food stamps a few months ago but got rejected because I overestimated my income because I didn't want to underestimate. I overestimated by maybe $100, and I missed their income cutoff by $26/month. Hahahahahahaha. Now I'm making less than half of what I was then. I should re-apply. I hate asking for help and I'm trying to get over that.

Oops, I just caught myself cheek-chewing again.

OK, so food stamps first. Here I go...

DONE! I submitted a food-stamp application online.

That's a pretty major accomplishment for me. Thanks for the push, questor!