Anyone else with AS feel relationships are hard work?

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I agree that relationships are hard for everyone, but I believe this is seriously compounded with a lot of people with AS. The main difficulty for me is that I spend my time pretending to be someone I am not (ie social and connected) that I don't even begin to form relationships because the relationship would be based on my social facade and not on what I am really like. No one in my life really knows me (my fault) and that is unlikely to change in the forseeable future.

Romantic relationships don't seem all that hard to me... I'm single now, but just because my last relationship got stale and boring after several years. Just find a fellow anti-socialite. Work during the day, eat dinner and watch tv together in the evening, cuddle at night. Boring but easy. Maybe it's just easy for me 'cuz I'm a chick.

Yeah. That's why I love my husband. He lets me be me even if I cause his depression. They're hard for none aspies too but they're harder for us.

Relationships aren't work per se, but require effort and nurturing to grow. If you neglect the relationship, it takes effort to return it to a natural course.

Does AS make a relationship even harder? No. Incompatibility between partners, differing interests and maturity levels are much more causes of increased effort in a relationship.

Find the right person, and the time will fly and the effort to make the relationship grow is negligible.

The problem is human nature takes for granted that which requires little effort, and a lack of appreciation is apt to set in. Don't let it go this route.

If you have to work to keep someone you shouldn't be with them. Of course it requires a bit of effort to keep both parties happy and make things run smoothly but working to hold dear life and stop them breaking away shouldn't be a problem in a proper relationship unless you aren't meant to be together anyway.

It has nothing to do with aspergers. The real problem here is you need to value yourself, see yourself as a good catch and truly believe it.

This is a lot of the reason I prefer a "friends with benefits" type arrangement at this time. While I do want to experience intimacy, I don't want relationships to be a responsibility, especially when I really have no clue what they entail.

I'm used to spending most of my time alone, and generally look to other people when I am lonely, horny, or just feel like being intimate at the time. Just dealing with another person with these same sporadic needs for human contact would require some compromise I'd need to get used to, and dealing with someone who expects me to devote most of my free time to them would be way too much.

I'm also just starting to get used to graduate school, and the fact that I'm starting to enter adult life and am responsible for making a living--so I look to intimacy as hopefully one area where I can relax and kind of be totally carefree and childlike.

I don't actually understand what this "work" is for a start. I can understand "compromise"..(not that I LIKE it)...but, meh, not going to theorise...I've been single a long time.

And I'm not sure I'm capable of love in the romantic sense- maybe only loyalty. TBH, I wish there was some kind of counselling for that point of despondency and disillusionment I've reached since realising this involvement stuff is NEVER going to happen again in my life.

Since people with AS miss alot of the social cues, ect that just seems to come natural to NTs, me and others with AS have to spend more effert reading people, trying to figure out what people are really saying, ect. Thus to me its work in a sense because people with AS have to work at it more.

Spokane Girl said it best when she said her husband loves her for her. You need to find the person that will love you for who you are, faults and all. I know people with AS can be really hard to get along with. I know I can be at times, just read some of my posts. So IMO its harder for people with AS to find the right one because we can be difficult.

Relationships are harder for aspies because there's the sensory issues and the aspie might not be able to tolerate lot of touch and sex could be an issue for them because they might not be able to tolerate sticky skin or hairy legs. There are also the non verbal cues and social cues so the partner may feel unloved and feel like their aspie partner is ignoring them and doesn't care.
Then there is the flexibility. Relationships are filled with compromises and if the aspie has very strict routines, that can make it very difficult for their partner.


People can make it work but they just need to find a way to have sex, have the man wear a shirt and use towels so the aspie doesn't have to feel the skin. Use fans to keep things cool. Get two cables so they both can watch their shows or get a TIVO so the apsie wouldn't have to miss their TV shows, they can just record them and watch them later so their partner can still watch what he is watching and not have to make sacrifices. Obsessions, make room for them and give your partner maybe an hour a day to spend their time with them. Also aspies prefer to be alone and that can also depress their partner so they can both pick a time when the aspie should be with her partner. Also the partner can tell his feelings and not expect their aspie partners to read them. But to make this all work, both people have to be cooperative and the aspie needs to have some flexibility and deal with their uncomfy feelings at times like what if their partner needs something on the spur of the moment and he is unable to go to the store himself and get it, the aspie should at least go to the store and get it for their partner or else it be selfish if he or she didn't and the partner has to wait till he can get it himself.

I'm being a hypocrite here because I'm too lazy to work at my relationship because it feels too overwhelming but I at least I let my husband kiss me and hug me but only for a short time and I let him watch his shows so he can get them off TIVO and I can watch my shows anytime, that's what TIVO is for. One of my husband's online friends feels sorry for him because I can't stand lot of touch lol. Well I warned him about being in a relationship with me two years ago and I was expecting him to leave me but he never did. At least I do some thing to make him happy but I feel sometimes they aren't good enough because he wants more and that feels needy to me. I still have difficulty saying "I love you" and getting myself to have sex when I don't feel like it. I tell him he has a lazy wife and he finds that funny. At least I'm being honest than calling it the fancy word. Maybe the fancy word should be "motivation dysfunction."

Thanks Ken and Spokane Girl, i'm guessing some people will get something from the advice there.

Trouble is, I don't know what's going on in my own head enough to be able to explain or deal with other people. I just can't spend much time WITH people, and just shut down or get bad tempered and feel trapped if I have to. Maybe I used to be able to stay in relationships when I was younger just because when there is more stuff going on in your life you don't really spend that much time cooped up together . I didn't (probably still don't) have many sensory issues with the physical side of things, and could go somewhere else in my head when I did, it's more that I just don't get or can't deal with other peoples emotions or constant presence.

I feel relationships can be difficult even if at times I've felt like giving up on such.Often I've been labeled as being a burden or someone whom has way too many emotional demons even for Linda Blair in,"The Exorcist".Anyways, I still try but, often I sometimes find it very hard to remain hopefull.. Honestly, I don't know how to go about relationships to be quite honest!!

Relationships are hard work. They always have been. You are right, the social disabilities with ASD make things a little harder, but that does not mean they can't be overcome. Sometimes it is being simply honest with your partner and telling them that nonverbal communication is difficult, and things need to be stated simply and honestly.

With that being said relationships are extremely hard work for NT folks too. Everybody has thier issues, people forget nearly one third of the US population is on anti-depressants. Everybody has issues, and nobody is perfect, NT or ASD. It is the people who put in a mutual effort to address these issues which end up in healthy long-term relationships.

Thanks..starygrrl