There's always a "but..." to the story *sigh*

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that's a rough situation. it's good you were honest with her! don't be surprised if she tells you that she just wants sex with you and nothing more, and wants to visdit anyways. she sounds persistent. but i think she would still want more.

She had said "what will I do now, I got to make new plans for my vacation". I told her to go to Chicago and visit some other friend of hers out there. She then comes back and says "well, what if I go to Boston and just don't tell you about it?" (I'm thinking she'd be stupid, do the same thing as when she planned on seeing me, and get stuck somewhere in the far outer suburbs of Boston.)

Then she goes on this long rant about me only wanting her for sex, and being pissed off about how she's losing such a great friend in me, someone that has helped her out in the past. How I'm just cutting her out once again, and wants me to tell her how I feel. To which I reply again, I did see her as a friend and cared at one point, and now just got desperate for sex - and it would be better if she left me alone. Once again she's pleading for me to not cut her out, even if it takes me a year to come back around.


Yesterday I had also told her that she would be better off being single for a while, get a job and become independent. Be able to stand up for herself and her two kids. It would make no sense just jumping along from her husband to me or anyone else, just keep leaning on a guy as a support. She keeps saying "yeah, I know I should". But well, she said the same thing 18 months ago and she's still with her husband plus has a second kid since then.

ok, you're being cruel now. There was no need to completely humiliate her. Of course she's going to be pissed off at you for saying all that; most women would probably go cross country just to cut off your balls if you said that to them.

Write an apology to her and tell her about the good things you remember from the friendship. Tell her you're sorry for treating her so badly and would like to make amends. Leave the ball in her court as to what that may be (if anything; at this stage she's probably heartily sick of you). I think that's the least you can do after basically telling her that you've been using her as a hanky for the past few months.

Next time, if someone doesn't get the hint that it's over, say it to them straight (it's over. I'd like to be friends/go our seperate ways) and then block them. Don't try and tear them down to make them go away. They already probably feel like s**t for being rejected (hence the desperate attempts not to be).

I had told her a few times now that I did not want a relationship with her and for her to leave me alone. Then blocked her, only for her to find me by text message or Facebook or AIM. Then she comes back like two days later wanting to talk it out, wondering why I'm mad at her.

I do have feelings for her, but I don't want a relationship with her because of her kids. So it's easier for me to push her away rather than get stuck in a situation I don't want. She has been really nice to me, she cares when few others have, and she's one of the few gals out there I'd be comfortable hooking up with. I really do want to hook up with her, badly.

A mutual friend from another website hypothesized that she's playing me also - trying to get some emotional intimacy and potential for better sex which her husband isn't providing. So therefore I should apologize, have her come to Mass., have drunken sex, and then block her if things go overboard. A second mutual friend thinks she's head over heels in love with me. The logical kid-hater in me doesn't want that. The desperate romantic in me wants that.

That explanation sounds a lot nicer than 'I never loved you to begin with'. Have you told her all this (not hinted, but actually explained clearly)?

It's probably more complicated because you actually do have feelings for her; you're sending out mixed messages and she might think (accurately) that you're secretly still in love with her. I have to admit, before your last explanation, I was a bit confused too; you say she's a great friend, yet you say such horrible things, and then you still don't block her. It's clearer now that this is because you do have feelings for her. Don't be afraid to explain that but make it very clear that you also have a grumbling conscience and are now willing to break your own heart to protect her family.

Be honest as possible and don't be crueller than necessary. Not wanting to break up a family is a decent and reasonable excuse, so if she keeps contacting you after this, offer to tell her husband (since she's the one who's willing to jeopardize her family, not you, this is probably her way of manipulating you not to blow the whistle on the affair; she hopes you'll stay silent out of guilt).

If that still doesn't work, just keep blocking. If she finds another way to contact you, block her from that too. Do not be drawn into any form of communication, no matter what. Does she know where you live? I'd also get your number unlisted if I were you, just as a precaution.

I only have a cell phone number, she does not know my landline. She is pretty good in not contacting me through that when I tell her to stop. She does not know where I live, as far as I know.

I do not know the husband, never had any dealings with him. I honestly don't care about him, as long as he doesn't come here ready for a fight. I don't care if this girl leaves him, I've actually told her a bunch of times that would probably be for her and her kids benefit anyway. It's just that I (or at least in this point of my life) don't want to get in a relationship with her and have to raise her kids and all that jazz. If it was just her, I wouldn't have a problem. I just don't want the package deal.

I've said this a few times, but I'm just afraid of getting too close and getting stuck with something I don't want right now.

My attempt to make some sort of amends

Me: You and I need to have a talk. I haven't been entirely honest with you, and I need to say some stuff to clear my conscience.
And feel like less of a total a**hole, which well - I was. It's my way, being one rather than be outright about the truth.
Me: It's just... my mind is in hell. I'm conflicted and not sure what to do. Ya know?
Her: Yea i know. Thats fine b, just wish ud be nicer about it..i hate being shut right out
Me: If only you knew just how much this entire situation is bothering me
Her: Ahh. Well i prolly aint goin to boston now, so dont have to worry bout all that
Me: I'm ok with that. It's probably for the best.
Me: I apologize for having led you on. I really do have strong feelings towards you, but I just don't want to get too deep. Cause well... The married with kids thing, I ain't trying to get involved in some crazy entanglement there. If I see you, the mind will flame up. In my mind it was easier to push you away rather than cross some line and get all f****d up
Her: I know. We just need a bit of space
Me: yea
Her: Im sorry.
Her: Can u do me one thing though?
Me: what?
Her: Dont shut me out?
Me: Yeah, um, we'll figure it out

Aw, that went well. Wish you'd ended on a more solid note than 'um, we'll figure it out', but I understand it's difficult to know what to write under pressure. I'm glad you were nice to her though.

I think she agrees that you both need space, but she just doesn't want the door actually slammed in her face. She sounds quite reasonable from that conversation. There's nothing wrong with saying you won't shut her and that you'll always care for her etc. just make it 100% clear that there will be no meet up or romance ever again and that you will stop contact if things seem to be going that way.

That's if you want to stay friends/aquaintances though. Just because she wants to be friends does not mean you have to feel the same way.

If you don't want any more contact, then don't contact her again and if she calls, just be polite and get the call over as quickly as possible. If you need to, get a call-screener (or whatever they're called) or an answering machine.

Worst case (or possibly best) scenario, change/block your number. She's no other way of getting hold of you so that will be problem solved.

I would advise making up your mind exactly what you want (i.e. no contact whatsoever or just friends/aquaintances) and then act decisively (and that doesn't mean being horrible), otherwise you will keep on sending very mixed messages to her.

Last edited by Lene on 05 Sep 2010, 3:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I want to walk a fine line. I want to be friends with her. I want to have sex with her. If it wasn't for her kids, I'd want a relationship with her. But she has kids, and I don't really want that in this point in my life... or at least I tell myself that anyway. Maybe in a few years from now I would, it'd give me something to actually work for. But now, that's about the only reason holding me back.

Or maybe my depression and desperation is just screwing with my mind.

apologies, edited my thread whilst you were replying. It might read a little differently.

You don't have the option of having both I'm afraid. She wants an emotional connection; you don't. What you are doing here is pretty nasty. You want her around to sleep with her, but then when she gets attached (which it's clear she has), you treat her like s**t so she backs off, but you won't actually go so far as to just block her, instead you keep her hanging on. Are you hoping she'll eventually come round to your way of thinking or something?

I'm afraid your choices are; have a full-blown affair (wouldn't advise it), just be platonic friends (which might not work out for either of you), or leave it all and just block her number. There is no have-it-all option.

I'm not saying she's innocent in this by the way; if it were her writing in about you, I would probably agree with your friend; she wants a better deal than what she has at home, and she wants a relationship. Her contacting you is also not very sensible. You both want totally different things so there's no way this will work out.

Platonic friends (while single) would drive me nuts. One of us would end up pushing too far and things would go badly.

And yes, I am probably scum for what I want out of the deal. Normally I would think of myself as being better than this, but lately I've just felt lonely and desperate - hence considering bad situations like this one.

Yeah, I agree. That's probably not a good option.



You're not scum for wanting a sexual relationship with no strings. Many people have no problem with that. But you won't get that kind of relationship with this particular woman; she has kids and wants more than just a fling. You can't really get around that big stumbling block as you've found out, so now you kind of have to decide what you want to do with the options you do have.

It wasn't so much the no strings attached bit so much as taking advantage of a situation where some girl wanted to be with me and I was just using her for my own personal benefit.

Kind of. Sorry, there isn't really a nice way to look at it, even if you are lonely and have depression. Everyone makes bad choices from time to time though, so it's probably best to focus on what you're going to do now.

Dump her like a bad habit?

Up to you, but if you don't want to be platonic friends, then that's your choice really; she doesn't want to be friends with benefits, she wants a relationship.

You can do it nicely though. She's already agreed that it might be good for you to give each other space, and you've already explained your stance and you have a reasonable excuse (she has a family and you don't want to mess that up), so now you just need to not answer any more calls.

She does sound persistant, I'll give you that, but that's all the more reason why you probably shouldn't encourage her by agreeing to talk about things. There's nothing to talk about; you don't want to be friends.