Feel so ugly and unloveable both in and out

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Everyday I see beauty around me. On facebook, I see my female friends who are so lovely. When I'm out and about, I see so many women who are attractive, and I'd like to know better.

But I can't. I feel a deep sadness, because I KNOW they won't accept ME. I'm too damn flawed. My parents say I should find a good, Christian girl, and I know a few, but they'd never accept me, an agnostic who is deeply critical of organized religion. I find I'm attracted to women who are strong willed and confident, who buck the norms, who are a bit punk with a piercing, some hair color, weird clothes, a tattoo or three. I think it is because they exemplify the kinds of qualities that I'm lacking...I wish to blend in, not be noticed for fear of being mocked. Yet how could ANY of those kinds of girls like me, so bland and boring? I'd like a girl who is social and outgoing, to again compliment my introversion, but why would such a girl want someone like me, when she could find someone who is outgoing as her?

I don't think I set my expectations too high. I care about what's inside, and I've been attracted to girls who aren't pretty, but damn smart, and repelled by hot girls who are utterly hollow. My only shallow point, I'd say, is I dislike girls who are fat to obese, not so much for the appearance, but because obesity indicates a sedentary lifestyle, poor diet, lack of self control or pride. I run 8 miles a day, and I'd like someone who has a similar level of concern over their health and well being. I'd love to date a fellow runner, but it seems they're all taken. They are all dating runners who are faster than me. Again, I feel so inadequate, because why would a girl want me if there is someone better?

It is a terrible loop. Like, if I like a girl, the first thought in my head is, "She can do better, she is better, I'll screw it up, she doesn't deserve a basketcase like me who has never been in a relationship, she deserves someone who's experienced and can give her what she wants and needs" I desperately want someone to love, who will love me, but what is there to love? It's a struggle to make ends meet, and it'll be years before I achieve success in my profession as a filmmaker, if ever. I can't afford to go out every night, to party, go to concerts, to drink.

Like many here, I'm hypersensitive to sound, light, tastes, smells. Parties, concerts, bars are intolerable. I start to panic.

I look at my face and I see a misshapen mass with no discernible positive qualities. I scrub and scrub my skin but I cannot be rid of the disgusting flaws I see, and the ugly hairs. I feel utterly unattractive and undesirable.

I know none of this is healthy, and people say over and over again how you must love yourself before others can. I try to fake confidence, but I just don't have it, and so I feel I'm lying to the other person from the get go. And they can probably see through me.

But isn't this a terrible catch 22? I must love myself in order to find love, yet how can I love myself if my self-loathing comes from the very fact that my whole life I've felt unloved and unloveable? I remember all the times my friends would talk about who's cut a crush on who, and I realize no one ever said that about me. No one said they had a crush or anything like that. I've never felt attractive to anyone, never felt worth a damn to anyone, so how do I start now.

As I write this, I'm feeling panicky. I NEED SOMEONE now. I need someone who will love me, and hold my hand and just sit next to me. I've gotta find someone or I'll lose it. It's making me really want to hurt myself.

Being desperate is a big turn off.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think this is why I constantly try to 're-do' my past relationships. It's not that I don't want to find someone new, but I am bombarded with my self doubt and inferiority. I try to tell myself every day that it will come and when it does I'll do it different, I'll do it better. But I have that same uncontrollable need for someone.
I wish you luck my friend, and stay away from the blades.

Have you tried counseling/medication. In addition to AS, you may suffer from depression and social anxiety as well, and while there's no known treatment for AS, there are many known treatments for anxiety and depression which might be beneficial. You must begin at the beginning and address the real problem, which is not your lack of relationships, but rather your lack of any self-esteem or self confidence. You are in a vicious circle which becomes a downward spiral which will probably not end until you either seek help or become suicidal. Trust me, this is something I am all too familiar with.

First you must stop defining yourself by whatever it is you are deficient in, be it friendships or social interaction or income or w/e else. If you were a cat that believed yourself to be a dog, and you measured yourself by your ability to run great distances, smell out trails, and work with other dogs as a group, you would probably conclude you were not a very good dog and feel quite badly about yourself. If you instead realized that, while you may not work with other dogs well or smell out prey, you are able to leap great distances and heights, climb trees to escape danger, and move silently to avoid being seen and sneak up on your prey. The same is true in reverse, of course. Humans are not dogs and cats, but we do differ in our capabilities and limitations. Do not fall prey to the mentality that says a person's worth may only be defined by the arbitrary notions of society, such as number of friends, financial success, peer recognition, and so forth. Once you escape from this paradigm, you realize the only person you really have to satisfy is you, and you'll be in a much better position to know what you want and what you need, as well as what you are capable of, and the real limitations you have.

There are people who will help. Do not be ashamed to ask for it. Everyone needs help. We live in an interdependent society, where none of us could live as we do without the complex network of interactions that allow us to function and live at far beyond what our biological capacity would be if we all depended only on ourselves. Those that argue self-reliance are in denial of a basic reality, that we need each other in order to thrive. Those that look down upon others who are less capable are simply bolstering their own egos by devaluing other people. Seek help, work hard, and think hard, and things can improve.

Last edited by Zur-Darkstar on 05 Mar 2011, 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

+1

Did you read any of my bloody post? I know that. It's all I ever hear. "You must be confident, you can't be desperate, you must love yourself first." I f*****g know that, God Dammit!! !! Don't you think I DON'T want to be desperate? I can't help it, when everyone around me is dating and getting married, and I can't even get past the first god f*****g date!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

The f*****g point is that when I try not to be, I feel that I am lying and misrepresenting myself to the other person. It's false advertising suggesting I'm confident and not a loser basketcase who's never had a relationship. And I think women can smell it a mile away. If I lie, I lose. If I'm honest, I lose. There is no way to win. And how can I get out of the infinite loop...I'm desperate because no one loves, likes or is attracted to me, and no one will love, like or be attracted to me because I'm desperate. And every failure makes me more desperate. So what the goddamn, motherf****ng hell am I supposed to do?

well swearing at me isn't going to help your problem.

Neither do asinine, obvious comments. Post real advice or don't waste time cluttering my thread.

deleted.
forget it.

Last edited by emlion on 05 Mar 2011, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And thanks to Zur-Darkstar and Britagious for taking the time to give actual responses and advice, and not the smug comments of someone who is smug and confident because she has someone.

deleted.
forget it.

Last edited by emlion on 05 Mar 2011, 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When a female whine about not being able to find a partner and wanting a partner right now (Erisad, sinsyster ...etc) , no one called them desperate and members were really passionate with them , and the few who called them whiners where sewed by white knights.

When a male whines for the same reason, he has to expect the clichés words and mocking from everyone of all genders.

Not saying that being desperate is alright, but I just wanted to point out this phenomenon.

Thank you Face of Boo! The double standard works both ways, and guys don't have it so easy. God , I can't even bring myself to ask my friends to set me up, because I'm sure they'd just think I'm pathetic in having to ask for help.

After that you started yelling and swearing at her, Brian. Your post does sound desperate. What else are people to think of someone who says he'll kill himself if he doesn't get a girlfriend? That is desperation. Her comment does not sound smug. What she said was true. Desperation is a big turn off. Insulting emlion because she is in a relationship doesn't make any sense to me, nor does you dictating who can or cannot take space in your thread. This argumentativeness and overreaction may be worth your time to self-analyze. The way that you've treated emlion on the internet for pointing out that desperation isn't attractive to women is a pretty good indicator that you're doing something wrong with women in real life.

I never treat someone poorly in actual life. The web is just a nice way to vent, and I found Emlions comment smug and condescending. In real life, I do everything I can to get a girl to like me. I ask questions, I listen, I try to smile and make eye contact and I pay for everything, and I just want to be liked. What is so wrong with that? I just need someone.

These things right here look like the walls of the trap you are in. I'm discounting the part about ugliness because so many men post "I'm horrible/ugly" and then when I see an actual picture, they aren't. But the two things above are a real problem and might be the key to what's creating the problem.

Currently you want a girl who is completely the opposite of you in order to complement what you fear are deficiencies. You've labeled yourself a "bland, boring, introvert" and are looking for a social extrovert with a wild and uninihibted personality and the wild style sense to match. You already realize the inherent problem- that these girls are incompatible with you. The socializing extrovert doesn't want to stay home, she wants to go out. And so she's only attracted to other socializing extroverts. She looks right through a man with ordinary clothes and ordinary style because she's noticing the man with tribal tatoose and a lip ring who she feels compatible with.

To get away from the qualities you don't value in yourself, you are attracted to a woman who has none of those qualities even though she would be incompatible with you, so incompatible that she doesn't even consider you.

You need to "re-brand" those qualities in your own mind so that you can work yourself towards being attracted to a woman who actually is compatible with you: a fellow introvert who wants a man who is "safe" and won't drag her out of her own quiet comfort zone. To a tatooed and pierced extrovert who goes out every night, a man who doesn't try to have a "personal style" and who dislikes going out really is bland and boring. But to a woman who feels intimidated and mousy and overwhelmed next to the gregarious goth man with the purple hair and recording contract, you look like the better choice. But you are looking through her to see the woman you are incompatible with while ignoring the one you are compatible with because she embodies traits that you don't value in yourself.

CBT therapy might help you "re-brand" yourself to yourself so that you value the traits you curently dislike. That could in turn help you be attracted to the women you actually are compatible with.