People with AS... please explain this man's behaviour...!

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Hi

I have been friends with a guy with AS for almost 5 years. We dated for 20 months of that time.

We have a very complicated relationship so please hear me out!

We were good friends before we dated. The start of the relationship was pretty good. He was affectionate and there seemed to be no problems. However, after that, the relationship became extremely volatile and violent. He would just flip out at anything. So I dumped him after that. He was sad but he said he wouldn't take me back.

Now the complicated part...

After the relationship ended, we still talked every day. We lived in a student house with 2 others. It was pretty much like we were still a couple. We still argued quite a lot but we seemed to get on better than before, at least. We used to do things together as friends. We went to the cinema and just generally saw each other a lot.

At some points he was extremely affectionate. I still liked him by the way... We kissed, cuddled and even had sex. I wasn't leading him on. He mostly initiated it....

Since September of this year, it has been pretty much similar. We phoned/texted each other every day, he asked me to come see him all the time, said he missed me and what not. It was like we were still in a relationship. However, as University students, we have both had a lot of work to do and subsequently, we have not been as close over the past weeks. He said I 'abandoned' him. I still saw him though. Also, he would get really annoyed if he even suspected me of seeing another guy.

And over the past two weeks...

He has a new girlfriend. He doesn't even CONSIDER me to be his friend, let alone anything else! He won't speak to me, reply to my texts. He spends all his time with this new girl and won't let me even TALK to him. I honestly don't get it? He claimed that it took years for him to 'get over me', but I just don't understand HOW this has happened so suddenly? We did everything together. Did he just use me? Is this just a typical 'guy' thing?


Help me please, this is so frustrating!

Sometimes people have to block out the past and ties to their ex because feelings can be overwhelming and too much which might be the case in this scenario. Sometimes people have to move on completely and sometimes they can't focus on having a friendship with their ex, sometimes people that were in relationships can be friends but it has to be a certain set of circumstances for that to happen. Just try to move on, if he isn't making any effort, you are better off just cutting your ties and respecting his choice.

Hate to say it but he's probably very young and naive. Feels he can't have you as a friend while he's with her (has a girlfriend so can't have other girl friends). Not only that it might have been a case where he could handle the idea of you being together but not officially so this is why your friendship was as it was until he met this other girl.

I dont think this has anything to do with him being AS or even a guy for that matter. This sounds like quite typcal behaviour. He has moved on and it is right that he spends his time with his new love.

I'm not uncompassionate for your situation. I still cry most days about a guy I split up with a year ago, but move on (eventually) we must. You deserve someone lovely who will want to spend time with you.

I don't know enough about either one of you to say much, but I think you didn't do yourself a favour to get too close with him after the relationship 'ended' after he got violent.

He may have initiated it, but you still had to play a part. It sounds like you sent him mixed signals, and he may not have had a clear definition of your relationship in his head, at least not one which you agreed with.

I also doubt it was 'sudden'. You guys might have had some communication issues.

Some people can't remain friends after the relationship, either because it would affect their new relationship, or because they don't want any bad feelings that may come up from seeing their ex. This would be about him, not you, if this is the case, so don't be hurt by it.

Im not sure he has used you.

However I feel that your relationship status being unclear had a lot to do with what happened.
We have a hard time understanding social interactions most of the time, breaking up with someone yet still going on something that is very similar to a date and being intimate with them seems like something thats a bit too complex to understand.
I know that a lot of people your age prefer to have things undefined but most of us like knowing where we stand with someone if that makes sense.


What happened?
Someone else came along and their relationship status seems to be clearer so he doesnt feel like the two of you going to the cinema and so on is appropiate right now.
He should have made things clearer to you and understand that its perfectly fine to keep in touch with you on a less regular basis without cutting all contact but as someone pointed out above maybe he is inexperienced and doesnt know this would be appropiate or maybe he doesnt want his partner to be worried about the two of you considering your past.

^^^^

This.

Spongy said it all.