NT dating an Aspie, denial issues?

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Hello everyone!

I am a NT woman dating a man with AS in a long distance relationship that has been lasting for the past 4 years.

This is probably enough for you to get an idea of why things may be a bit complicated for us, to say the least.

My bf has told me shortly after we met that he had AS, so I've sort of tried to be understanding about it, but as you may imagine it can be extremely frustrating for me. I consider myself an independent kind of woman, I am not much into socializing and I am an introvert, so I guess I can cope (up to a certain point) with his poor social skills. But of course when it comes to our relationship itself, I can be extremely puzzled and hurt by his attitude ; it's like we both love each other, but in a different way that doesn't always meet expectations.

Anyway, I am trying to think of how to sort our problems keeping in mind that there is no easy answer. I can be understanding and patient I guess, especially since he is of good will, however the biggest issue is that he seems somewhat in denial ; I asked him recently how much he thinks his condition is affecting our relationship and his reply was just confusing, he told me he did not think it was affecting him so much anyway, etc... I quickly realized the conversation would not go anywhere.

So I was wondering if anyone here had some advice on how to go about it? I would like for him to accept that part of our problems (can't put all the blame on this of course) certainly come from his condition as a first step. Then maybe it would be easier to discuss our problems and work them out. But how can I do this if AS is like a taboo between us and cannot be discussed properly?

I don't want to sound like I am just blaming him and hurt him either.
Thanks for reading and for any input you may have to offer.

You might want to consider the fact that, while you almost certainly have had relationships that were unaffected by AS, he hasn't. Every relationship he's ever had, romantic or otherwise, will have been affected by his AS. It may not be that he's denying the impact the AS has. It may be that, having no non-AS-impacted relationships to compare it to, he simply doesn't realize the effect it has.

The biggest issue is that Aspies and NTs have different ideas how much alone and together time they need. If your Aspie has a full time job--unless he is unusually lucky and able to play in his special interest at work in the manner he wants--he will need alone time in the evenings to recover. Most of us get burnt out by the social interaction required for doing well in modern jobs.

My wife would like to spend more time together in the evenings, but she realizes that she needs to compromise for someone with Aspies. Often, there are special interests I'd like to spend more time on weekends, but I compromise and we usually go to some touristy spot every weekend when the weather is nice.

Thanks for your reply, mds_02.

He seems quite aware of the possible consequences of his condition, when he first told me about it he explained about the poor social skills, clumsiness, the indifferent appearance when in fact there is a lot going on in his mind, etc. And considering how much I've complained precisely about his attitude and how it hurts me, he cannot be so clueless about the potential impact.

Well, assuming this, how could I explain to him without sounding patronizing?

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Last edited by Nabsari on 09 Dec 2012, 11:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

Honestly? No clue. Sorry. The best you can do, I think, is emphasize that you aren't trying to be patronizing, and hope he takes you at your word.

There is one thing. There is a tendency among NTs, when they're having difficulty with an aspie, to try to "correct" the aspie's behavior and way of thinking. That is, they make the discussion about "right" and "wrong" ways to behave, rather than making it about needs being met or unmet which, I think, would be a more effective way to go about it.

I mean, one way comes across like a nagging mother, the other comes across as an equal partner making a request. I know which I'm going to respond better to.

Not that I assume you're doing that with him. Just trying to come up with anything that might help.

Just keep in mind that he is most likely not purposefully being obtuse about it. Keep in mind that an inability to tell how one's behavior is affecting others (sometimes even when they try their best to explain) is pretty much the definition of the disorder.

But, if you're keeping those things in mind in your dealings with him, then you're already doing all you can. In the end it's gonna come down to him. How willing is he to listen to you, and how willing he is to change.

One thing that kinda did help, from my gf, after an argument. She said "I get that you can't understand why this is important. But I don't need you to. I just need you to understand that it is."

Well, I don't believe that I can fundamentally change him, or anyone in fact. He has his own perception of the world, I have mine, still in spite of problems we do share things and care for each other.

What is right or wrong, after all... his perception... my perception...? Nobody's right or wrong, we function differently. I think I would have liked to better understand his vision and explain what mine is, so maybe we can compare and find some agreement. But considering he is more or less denying the problem, he doesn't share his perception and I have even more trouble understanding what it's about.

I understand that communicating about his problem is the root of the issue and I am a bit in a vicious circle there. He knows about his condition... but minimizes the effects on the relationship... and because of AS he won't really communicate about it.

I guess I was just wondering if there was a recommended approach to even make him accept/consider this fact in the first place... Could part of his denial be shame ? I don't expect a real answer to this, of course, only he knows, but I am thinking about the different possibilities...

Nabsari, you don't specifically point out *which* problems you have?