WP is weird.

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yeah; i have my bf and one good friend besides him, and some days that's more than enough.

well i think it's safe to assume we have solved the mystery here. what's your next challenge boo

I am out of challenges.

I give up.

Anyways... I think part of the reason (at least for L&D) is that society has embedded in us the idea that being in a relationship = being happy much more so then just friends. I am fortunate to have an extremely supportive family and that in the past the friends I have made have stuck by me. I think without friends life is missing something. Sure, you can go at it alone, sink into pure logic (Hey, it worked for the Vulcans), but I think if you do you are missing something. Compared to many I know with AS, my emotion to logic ratio is much higher then is typical for one with AS but I like it that way. When I am most depressed, I want to be around others, even though I am fairly introverted. Makes no sense to me either....

I really think the trick to making friends is just to be you, and get out there. Join a club or group or start one. Plenty of adds for such things in local papers. I think some people with AS have dealt with so much rejection when younger they feel it's not worth the risk of getting hurt later so they don't try. I used to be like that: Why try if you will probably fail? Because if you don't try you WILL fail, and each failure teaches you something you can do better next time

I've noticed this trend too. I find it a little discouraging because in order to get a date (if your preference is that your partner is NT), you'll need to work on your social skills at least a little, or at least know your social strengths and weaknesses.

Many girls also find (at least from the ones that I've observed) that if a guy has a nonexistent or near-non existent social life, they will be quickly labelled as unsuitable, because it immediately shows that they are not approved by other people. Working on your social skills, and practicing them by maintaining friends is also a great way to develop the confidence that girls find attractive. So many guys on here think it's about looks or pick-up techniques, but it's actually all about how you carry yourself.

Same goes for the haven. In order to gain the confidence to overcome some of the situations people are in, they could always work on their social skills. Loneliness and rejection could also be caused by things as simple as not appearing friendly or confident around others, thus unknowingly rejecting them. I think the social skills forum should be used more often to develop the self-awareness of this community so that they will be more likely to identify their specific behaviours and what skills they have trouble with instead of just generally saying "oh, I have aspergers". Saying that doesn't tell people much. Saying "I may look like I'm bored, but I have trouble with my posture" does.

PS: I laughed at the misspelling of "the haven" as "the heaven"

I desire friends but not as much as NTs so that's probably why. Plus it seems like some people have 1 or 2 friends & that's all they need so they aren't worried about it. I'd like to have 1 or 2 in my area but I don't know how to meet them. I subsist on family & online friends.

Going by the information presented, I guess the desire for friendship might be diminished more than the desire for intimacy, on average?

This seems to apply to me, anyway, altough my polyamorous inclinations tend to blur the line a lot. Which is good, in that it keeps me doing both.

Here's how it is for me.

Most of my family are a bunch of reprehensible a**holes. The only people in my family I give a crap about (who are still alive) are my mom and my half-brother. Considering I never see my half-brother, my mom is all I have family-wise.

In terms of friends I have two good friends, but one is in Florida and the other one has been growing apart from me for about 7 years now. I find it difficult to make friends (always have, always will) because so many people are unwilling to be friends with people that have my amount of flaws. So when I was younger, I prioritized trying to find a girlfriend. Which in retrospect was stupid. If nobody wants to be my friend, why would anybody wanna be my girlfriend? Of course, it lead nowhere, and I am still lonely in all facets, but I just wanted to present it from my point of view at least.

I think many of the posts that get categorized into this forum end up in general autism discussion first, and never get moved to here. So that'd explain a lot right here. Me personally, I never see activity here, so I never go. But that's more the simple non psychoanalysis way of looking at things.

Me personally, I never got diagnosed til I was out of high school, and uh, due to life circumstances, had to just learn some social skills. However, one thing that helps me, I'm fairly outgoing, so I get credit, and hell, for that. But, since I'm outgoing, sometimes being outgoing is interpreted as having good social skills, when you can be outgoing and an idiot (like I've been for a while, and still am sometimes.) I think it's more for the most part, I have good "casual" social skills, ie, I can talk to people in stores and do business transactions and be like outgoing and stuff in public. Just people end up thinking I'm quirky or weird once they really get to know me, so that's the crux of the matter. So that's the problem, I have friends and all that, just very few "real" friends, but even those NTs we all hate so much have very few real friends, so I'm not doing bad in that arena. Alot of times my abilities help me, too, I get called a lot to help with stuff for other people, and usually am rewarded, so whatever.

Also, the whole nature vs nurture thing, too. I think it's more that I grew up in a fairly socially safe environment that helped me, and the social natural selection didn't happen til middle school. Then again, NVLD, too, it's like Aspergers, but it's caused by different stuff, and is a bit narrowed down of a diagnosis, and it's a very very specific neurological type only affecting (diagnosed) 1/1000 of the population, whereas Aspergers is more 1/100.

Then again, I don't post terribly much in love and dating either, as I don't try in that area, as I realize the flaws in getting a girl to "complete" me, and also am just gunshy about girls. f**k, lately I've not even been really "rejected" by girls, all the problems come from my own perceived (or maybe it's just real and other people tend to ignore it in themselves) lack of confidence in myself. I can't see myself as really being someone good to be in a relationship with, so I'm not selfish enough to try to acquire a relationship, and since it leaves the problem in my hands, I'm not stupid enough to complain how girls hate me or something when they just don't. Also, I'm quite religious, and believe in abstinence before marriage, so while I know I could do well at the "sport" of having sex with girls, I choose not to play it.

But yeah, people should use this forum more.

I have friends.

I went through that whole "make lots of friends" phase already, and as of right now, I have no interest in making new friends I just want to maintain the few friendships that I have. It takes too much work and energy to keep a lot of people happy. I'm pretty much back to being a hermit and I've actually heard a few people mention how snobby I've become. What they don't realize is that when I was socializing with all of them, I was a big drinker. This is how I really am, I'm not trying to be snobby but I really don't care what they think. I'm happy because I weeded out all the s**tty people and kept only the best <3

People on the spectrum want validation and social acceptance but it seems some end up in unhealthy relationships or situations because they think the way to find that is through intimacy or a relationship by any means, even if the relationship isn't right or healthy for them.

On the other hand, people on the spectrum like me and others on this board struggle to maintain many friendships and relationships at once so perhaps it's just better to have fewer friends since you can build a stronger emotional bond and find them easier to maintain.

Thats because you're cute, cute girls always have friends. Try looking like a gorilla for a week.

I think you may be oversimplifying here, or maybey missing a bit ...

I mean, I know its hard enough for me to tell when a person is bad for me under normal circumstances, and if you're distracted by being attracted to the person it can be even harder to discern, dont you think?>



I agree. not only that but i dont think even NTs have as many friends as they think or claim they do. They just dont realise that their pile of aquantances arent real friends much of the time, and wouldnt come rescue them at 4am when their car broke down in Crackville.

Whats the L&D forum?

I don't post in this area because I don't know know what to post. It might be easier to put into words "I want a romantic partner, what am I missing?" than "I want a friend, what do I do?" when people are expected to actively look for romantic partners.