Am Having a Hard Time Feeling Sympathy for a Friend

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I have gotten myself into an undesirable social situation. I am coming to embrace my Aspergers, and am no longer faking emotions neurotypicals expect me to have. This policy ran into a problem when I was talking with a good friend with bipolar syndrome. He was describing his illness, and fishing for sympathy. Yet I cannot provide it for him not because I don't feel sorry for him, but because I CAN'T sympathize without further context. He has never told me what an episode is like, nor really how it has disrupted his life. I didn't fake sympathy, and instead stuck with what I really felt: nothing.

I feel I offended him, and I don't want to. It's not that I don't like him, because I do. It's just that I sympathize on a much more intellectual level than he does. Can I make my friend understand this? Would it be better for my friend if I said nothing, and let him determine the future of our friendship?

I honestly think you should apologise for the way you acted.

'Embracing your aspergers' should not mean acting like a jerk to friends.

Yes, some aspies do not show appropriate responses, but a lot of the time it's because they don't know any better. You do, so your aspergers is not a valid excuse.

I suggest, ask what an episode is like and how it affects his life.

I'm not sure that from his description, he was acting like a jerk. I also can't relate to something either if I haven't experienced it or at least if I don't have the context in order to have more understanding.

I can't always relate to what people tell me either, but I've learnt to feign empathy and show sympathy (even if I don't 100% understand) until I get a deeper understanding. From the OP's post, this is what he's done in the past, but now that he's an 'aspie' he thinks it's OK not to bother and that his friend should understand this.

Personally, I think the OP's reasoning is BS. Having Asperger's syndrome is not an excuse to sit back and say "oh, this doesn't immediately ring a bell, therefore I will not bother saying anything, even though I would have in the past, but now I am an aspie, I am excused for doing so...".

I am not saying that not relating to people is 'jerk' behaviour. I am saying that deliberatly refusing to try because you have a 'syndrome' is.

Little bitchy. No, lot bitchy.

Anyway, I'd say just fake it

Bitchy? Please explain.

I agree. What about how you'd feel if someone did that to you because they don't understand Aspergers?

First, thank you for your response. I think one important detail I did not have in my OP is that this friend is 500+ miles from me, and I have not seen him in months. This was a phone conversation.

The other thing was that I said nothing, because I felt nothing. I could have easily feigned sympathy, but I didn't. I feel that in another time in my life, it'd be best to fake an emotion, but that'd be unfair for the both of us. If I did fake sympathy, or even any emotion, I'd mislead him. I think that's why I didn't fake anything, because I didn't want to put on an act anymore. Something like that was much too important to act on.

I'd much rather him end our friendship because I spoke the truth than have it break apart because I lied.

Even none aspies fake empathy I heard and sympathy.

Thank you for the information. I think in this context however, it changes little. In fact, it's even easier to fake feelings over the phone



Sympathy and empathy are not the same. You don't have to feel what the other person is feeling to be sympathetic; you just have to be kind to them

Many interactions in life involve 'acts'; doctors feign interest in little old ladies who walk into surgery for a chat; counsellers pretend to be deeply absorbed in what you say whilst thinking about their next coffee break... it is all an act, but that doesn't negate the actions. If the aim is to make the other person feel better, then they can work. Perhaps not as well as genuine compassion, but certainly better than saying nothing at all and clearly showing disinterest.



Well, that's your decision. I personally think you're making your rules too rigid around this area, but up to you.

Which is it? Speaking the truth, or saying nothing at all? Those are two different things. Sometimes one is better, sometimes the other. Both are better than lying, in my opinion, but they are not at all the same.

And, when speaking the truth, it also makes a difference how one says it.

I don't think you should feign emotions you don't feel. I understand the feeling of having a friend describe something that bothered them and you don't feel the same way about it. However because it is your friend you should ask questions about the situation rather than saying nothing until you can begin to understand something about it. The fact that you can't identify easily with somebody because of Asperger's is not an excuse for not trying to do so if you actually care about that person, even though it is too tasking to do all the time for everybody you don't care about. If you find out enough information and you place yourself in your friends situation there is usually something you can feel empathetically even if you wouldn't react the same way the friend did. For example if he describes how the episode bothers him or makes him feel you can imagine him in this situation. Even if you are not feeling the same thing he is, you feel bad because he is hurting, just like if you saw someone horribly injured in front of you.... you can express that.