Who am I ?

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I am 29 and only got my diagnosis recently, which made me rethink some things.

Even though I didn't know what was wrong with me, I feel like I have been acting my whole life. I guess it started when I was a small child. My mother always made me greet people, shake hands and reprimanded me often for being unfriendly. In primary school when I had no friends I tried rather hard to emulate the other children, I tried to act like they did but I guess I wasn't very convincing. I was told I was a suck up or insincere. I was dead unhappy.
In highschool I kind of adapted another personality, more sarcastic, cool, uninterested and somewhat unapproachable but I guess it saved me from more heartache. But people never believed me that something got to me or that I felt sad. Still I did have some friends, but hey never had an idea who I really was. Problems continued anyway, I was told I didn't appreciate gifts or wasn't happy if somebody did something nice for me. So I really worked on those things, but still people got pissed off - because my happiness wasn't very convincing sometimes. Still, some behavioral patterns kind of stuck, I smile sometimes wihout thinking, even if I don't feel like smiling and it is totally not he right situation to do so.
I ask myself more and more if faking it is really worth it, it takes a lot of energy and more often than not people think I'm not meaning it anyway. So I started to tone it down recently, mostly around family and close friends - they do not understand at all and they don't believe me when I tried to explain that it sometimes takes a concious effort to appear happy to others - even if I actually am. So they are not happy at all with the new me and tell me that I am purposly overdoing it just because I got this diagnosis (some of them don't even believe that I have aspergers). Sometimes I even think they are right, reading more about Aspergers I recognized stuff in myself, I wasn't previously aware of and started thinking more about it so it could have gotten more pronounced.

I kind of feel like a fraud, whatever I do. Because sometimes I'm not even sure myself who or better how I am and what is trained, and what is not. Has somebody made similar experiences?

-Smiling when it's unappropriate. Check!
-Not showing enough appreciation for gifts. Check!
-Feeling like a liar when all I do is try to act out how I feel and think, but have to consciously think about how to portrait myself. Check!
-If it's worth it? I don't know, the jury is still out on that one.

Been there done that. I finally gave up most of the faking, as it makes me uncomfortable, and others still recognize me as different anyway, because I'm not good at it. I do have what I call my "civil" face and manners for use in public and with family, which is a kind of faking, but it is done to be civil, not to con anyone. Fortunately, I now live alone, so I don't have to maintain a facade most of the time.

Merceile, what are your gifts and talents? What are you good at? And can you get better at those activities?

Like you, I had to figure out who I was. And I found my joy in music as well as in other activities. I'll never be a great musician or make money from my music. But I know my friends enjoy hearing me sing and play, because they've told me so, telling me how much they love to see my happiness and smiling face as I sing and play (they have me on DVD and like to play it regularly). Hearing their praise in my head after the fact gladdens my heart whenever I think of them or their words.

And they've also told me my social skills are lacking. lol At least you have some. Give thanks to your mother for making sure you could and can still fulfill society's niceties, customs and rituals. I don't know them and I sure wish I did.

Same here. I dont know why but i never seem to belong.



Number of times in my life it has happened that people think i am not upset. My dad (who died when i was 12) and brother are the only ones who get that i feel sad, but other never. I also had people around me but they never knew me, nor did i know them (although at that moment i thought i did know them).



Yeah. this is so like me. I have taught myself to smile when i am in a social situation. If i cant put my mask on in a situation, i dont go out on those days. I always wear a mask and have masks and scripts for all occasions.



I know what you are saying. I reached all time low last year when my anxiety was so high that i was getting migraines every day and i could not hold that mask in place for many days. The year before i started to tone down putting in effort with people who i know did not like me. My immediate family got really upset with me too. My brother as upset with me constantly. I stuck to it though. This year, i have been doing only as much as i can deal with and i am much better. It does not make sense to anybody other than my brother. He does not like it but he accepts it. My mom wants me to go out more, but she is trying to see my small gains. I am not in touch with others, nor have friends, so i dont have anybody else pressurizing me now. I would say if it helps stick to it dont give up.



Unlike you. I dont have a diagnosis as i come from a country where no one will give me one. In addition never go into any situation without preparation and having a script ready, so people rarely see me at my worst. I am 33 and my last 5 years have been constant work on myself and my social skills. But like you i also feel like a fraud. It is still better now since i am in a self proclaimed isolation and only socialize as much i want. It will end this September and i am dreading it.

The most i can tell you is i know what you statement feels like. The best i can tell you right now is that it does not matter what you were before or what you learnt. Everything is you. Do what makes sense to you. Socialize as much as it makes sense to you. You have control now, use it. It took me ages to reach even where i am right now. I still have my masks and am never myself in front of anyone other than my mom and brother. I cant say i have figured it out yet. Like you i am also looking for me. Right now i am just following what my dad told me years back before he died. He always told me "if they dont like you, you dont need to be with them". I never understood it till recently. So right now i am trying to okay being me.

Hope this helps.
Siddhi

Sometimes I even ask myself if my diagnosis is the right one this time. When I first saw a therapist as a teen she was quite convinced I was abused as a child, not liking to be touched and shying away from people... well.. she tried to report it because she thought it happend in my family and that was a desaster.. because said family didn't want me to see a therapist in the first place.
I guess I was twenty and failing to fit in at college and or failing college in general that made me try again. I was diagnosed with a severe depression, anxiety disorder and some obsessive - compulsive thing. To be honest I don't quite remember, I got lots and lots of anti depressants and it didn't help, so I didn't go anymore. I kind of changed college after hat and got another therapist, who diagnosed me with ADHD and some kind of social phobia again. That wasn't such a bad fit I suppose, because I am easily distracted and get over focused and such - and in regard to failing college it was what the psychiatrist was looking at.
I didn't believe in the first and second diagnosis, but I tried to work with the ADHD one .. I read a lot about it and I could see myself in it. It is kind of the same with aspergers, but aspergers is a better fit I suppose. It's just, when I had to take these tests I was always thinking what is actually my "natural" behavior? Like I can meet other poeples eyes, even if it ist uncomfortable because I learned to do it early on. But is that really aspergers or was I just a shy kid or am I seeing things just because I read about them?

My mother is NT but my father and older brother are anything but. Especially my brother, he is worse than I. Still they are very much against that whole idea of not being normal or admitting I might have a problem because that could mean they have one too. I tried to explain things to my family but they only try to talk me out of it. So I don't really have anybody who takes me serioisly, therefore my self doubts..

Everything you described is a resounding yes from me. I even talked about "playing the chameleon" in another thread recently. (My post on it is about half way down that page.)

To Merceile:

I have the same issue. My mom and brother will never say i am not normal although they know how much i struggle. I could not get it, but recently my brother told me why he will not say. Basically for him, the "normal" me is the normal for him. He knows that i dont do things like others but it does not matter to him as he likes me just like that. My mom on the other hand tells me to be "normal" as she is worried that i will be lonely if i stay like i was as a child.

The way i see now is what is "normal". There are tons of people who are different who have different abilities. The important thing is to be yourself and like yourself. Over the years i worked as a therapist and interacted as someone who had challenges in certain areas, i realise, in reality not one is normal. In reality there is only variation. Variation in abilities. We work on what we can work on, but it is also important to remember that each of us has strengths too. It is equally important to work on our strengths.

Lastly, my experience has been just because someone acknowledges that fact that we are "different" does not mean that they accept us. The best people are the ones who knowing that we are different, still stay with us and help us and appreciate us.

Siddhi