Sometimes I feel like a sham

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You seem to fit in here just fine, and I enjoy reading your posts.

I feel like a sham sometimes, too. I don't have two boyfriends, but I do have a husband, who I've been happily married to for almost 13 years! And two kids. But, honestly, we are kind of a weird family. I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors start singing "The Addams Family" theme song as they pass our house.

I did fine in school (until I hit puberty and gave up, which no adult seemed to notice), and was only bullied a few times. I didn't really have friends, but it didn't occur to me that I was supposed to, and no one seemed to notice that either, so that was fine.

I've been given funny looks, and been conscious of not fitting in, but no one has specifically commented on particular things, like eye contact or odd movements, so I'm not sure where I stand there.

So...who knows? All I know is that when I come here, I relate to people, and often think, "Yes! That happens to me, too!", whereas, in the real world, in gatherings full of NTs, I think, "I want to leave. None of these people are anything like me."

I have been thinking of having a sock creature selling fund-raiser for myself in order to raise $$ for more thorough evaluation as to where exactly I fit in on the spectrum. The lady who gave me my assessment was pretty enthusiastic about her prognosis of me.
At the time, i figured it was cool that I did not have a formal diagnosis since that would exempt me from many health insurance companies, while at the same time the assessment provided me with at least some closure...but not enough, apparently...)(if it doesn't cost a whole lot of money, then it must not really be worth anything, right... )
When I actually had health insurance, I totally wasted it on seeking treatment for ADD, the meds for which, I am pretty sure contributed to a mental/emotional breakdown that caused me to run away from home and lose my health insurance altogether... ...and once I tried to get it back, it seemed that the same company didn't want me anymore.

dunnow....I have a friend who said she would look into some sort of sliding scale psychiatrist for me....everything is so stinking expensive....grrr....

The other day I was talking to some acquaintances about the autistic spectrum and was talking about how I have walked on my tip toes my whole life to the extent that it has shaped the way my feet were formed...and they all said that they walked on their toes too.... If I ever try to bring anything up like that, the general response seems to be..."oh yeah...everyone has that"...which is fine...but frustrating sometimes...guess it comes from hanging out in "fringe groups" where most people are at least a tiny bit to the left of NT....

The line "... but everyone has that" is so common. Even from more mainstream people. A psychiatrist asked about my noise sensitivity, so I mentioned an example--having to keep telling others every few minutes to put the TV on a lower volume etc.--and he said "But everyone's like that." I didn't think to say "But do they scream in pain and clamp their hands over their ears?" He mentioned my noise sensitivity in his report anyway.

People can't imagine similar symptoms to theirs being in the extreme in terms of frequency or intensity. They're mostly clueless as to what it's like to have grown up experiencing a clinically significant level of them and many associated issues.

Before I went to an ASD specialist, I was talking with my normal therapist or whatever she was (seriously, I don't really know what her job was) and told her I was going to the specialist neurologist because I thought I might have AS. She asked me to go over my symptoms. Her response was also along these lines. I had the DSM criteria and was going through the list, stated my related symptoms. She had an answer for many of them. At one point she cut me off, and the session was over. It was so confusing. I think she was mad that she didn't think of AS relating to me. She asked me if I'd ever met anyone with AS. I said probably, but they didn't advertise it. She said "well, I have a couple of clients with AS and you seem very sensitive compared to them". Come to find out, she was comparing me with males with AS. Anyways, who told her that you can't be sensitive and have AS... Frustrating. I think many times NTs want to 'defend your normality'. They think that's what you want to hear.

And poopylungstuffing, I remember reading an almost identical post of yours some months ago about questioning your AS. This seems to be something you can't shake. I also seem to remember that it had to do with the boyfriend telling you that you didn't have AS. That guy seems like sort of a jerk. Of course, how can I tell through your posts. But it was my first impression. Why don't you seek an official diagnosis if you are so unsure all the time?

Yes, only I think it's mostly what they want to hear because they don't want to deal with someone's issues.

One counsellor kept defending my normality, even though she didn't doubt my AS, because she wasn't trained to deal with the issues and wanted to avoid them. It was harmful, so I decided to leave and wrote explaining why.

i thought I would continue with this thread so as not to be redundant...the same thoughts have been popping up in my head again....I am back to thinking i am more of a low-functioning non-hyperactive ADDer...with AS traits...too dumb to be a real aspie...too different from the aspies I know....etc.....

I sometimes feel like a sham. I've got plenty of friends, I've done well. I enjoy parties and I really like the loud music and club lights, and when I hear of other people on this site covering their ears and things I feel like I shouldn't be here and that there are much worse off people than me that haven't been diagnosed, and then I have and I do fine.
I do however have many problems with executive dysfunction and auditry processing and I miss half of what people tell me.

I can tolerate loud music because it is my job....It really wears me out though after a while...and I wear ear plugs a lot.
Often times, I don't really feel connected to the live music that I am constantly listening to/seeing...I seem to be more capable of processing recorded music...because it is less taxing to the senses that way
I feel pretty disconnected from most people but I do have a small group of friends who I am comfortable around.

Lately I have been very shy and avoidant of various house guests...even Aspie houseguests...
I am pretty much shy and avoidant of anyone who is not a regular part of my scenery. I can hardly talk to them, and carefully pick my way around them...We have a couch surfer staying with us...and i am dreading this...Flakey signed up to a network for Couch Surfers...so in addition to all of the bands from all over the country...we now invite random strangers as well....to sleep on our couches. It is somewhat wearisome....

Maybe I am a toe-walking avoidant personality disorder ADDer with auditory processing problems....( i have that pretty badly too)

It's always a matter of opinion. Remember that.