My testimony/story

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Be ready for a massive wall of text
I am not currently struggling with any issues but I am hoping that my testimony can touch someone's life and give them hope and inspire them.

Testimony
I was born in Toronto, Canada. My mother is a Ukrainian Canadian and my father is an Estonian Canadian. My paternal grandparents fled from Estonia after WWII. My grandfather was a Soomepoiss (An Estonian who fought for Finland) and my grandmother was a nurse in Germany. My mother's family moved to Canada in search of a better life and they settled on the Canadian prairies. I didn't grow up in either ethnic community, unfortunately, so I wasn't taught the language, customs or about the culture of my people. My father was an alcoholic although he was not abusive, he was just absent; more like a friend than a father. When we were young we moved to Winnipeg and our father decided to stay in Toronto. I was burdened by a great anger toward him as a child. Because of his choice we grew up without a father with our mother forced to raise us as a single parent. Our family was in the lower middle-class, as such we were forced to go without while many had luxuries that we couldn't afford and that we wished that we could have had. Had our mother not been such a strong woman I do not think that we could have managed. I have had Asperger's syndrome for my whole life, it has had a huge impact on both me and those around me. A single parent struggling with raising two boys, one of which is on the Autism spectrum isn't a good recipe for success. Although my mother knew that there was something different about me, it wasn't until I was in my 20s that we would find out my diagnosis. I was never the first born older brother that I should have been. Although I took it upon myself to try to be the father that I hadn't had and to be a role model for my brother. Asperger's made it difficult for me to make friends and to communicate with others, it also made me the target of bullies. I had a crippling fear of going outside, I couldn't even leave the house unless someone I knew accompanied me. I also had to stick to rigid schedules which frustrated my family and spoiled things for them. In school I was hated and outcast for something which I had no control over. I was bullied from elementary all the way to high school. It did not help my self-esteem nor my self-worth. It got to a point in high school where I would no longer tolerate being the target of bullies, so one day I decided I was going to hit back. I saw my target and I charged him, I collided with him and smashed him into a locker. It was just enough to get him to lay off of me. Everyone was shocked and people were proud of me, the bully didn't completely stop being a jerk for he was simply a jerk, but he eased up enough that I felt comfortable again. After that point it didn't matter any longer, if someone assaulted me verbally or physically I would hit them. I was tired of being treated as if I were subhuman. It was also in high school that I was accepted into a group and finally had friends with whom I could identify with. It was rather funny because one of the people within that group had actually bullied me in elementary school and it he who became my best friend within the group. As a phoenix rising from the ashes, through a trial by fire I became stronger and I survived.

I was a not the best influence on my brother. Although I should have been a better role model, I did do something right. Through observation of my father's drug and alcohol addictions and the impact they had on our family, I vowed to be the opposite of him. I completely rejected these vices and I steered my brother clear of these obstacles and kept him on a good path. As bad as it was to have a father with alcoholism and substance abuse problems it was also a blessing in disguise, I learned of the destructive impact of such things upon a family and I wanted no part of it. I proudly proclaim to be straight edge, it is a badge of honour for me. After our grandfather died, our father blew the inheritance on cocaine. We were furious with him as we inherited nothing. He had promised us 5000 dollars each and then we got nothing. That money could have significantly improved our lives. My hatred for my father grew incredibly and I felt that it was hard to feel sympathy for someone who kept bringing misfortune upon himself. And these misfortunes affected everyone in our family. It was only last year that I was finally able to forgive him for blowing the inheritance and for him never being there with us while we were growing up. Now that I have forgiven him, I can start to love him again. It is only through the love of Jesus Christ and his death upon the cross that gave me the strength to do what I thought would be impossible. Although I had survived, I had many scars as a result. Many which took a long time to heal. As a result of bad experiences with others I tended to keep to myself, I was a loner and my time was almost completely spent on playing video games. I did not open up to others about myself but kept who I was inside hidden from even my closest friends. I rarely left the house, unless I had school or I had to go to work. I truly had no social life for the longest time.

I first visited Estonia with my mother and brother in 2009, it was my first time traveling outside of North America. Because my brother and I liked it so much here, we decided to come back in 2010 to study Estonian at the University of Tartu. It was my first time living away from home and I felt increasingly isolated, I was also struggling with Estonian. I wasn't a Christian at that point and I hadn't been one at all before then. It was something as small as an American missionary named Amalie who was volunteering for her church by giving out free pancakes to students and inviting them to her church that changed the direction of my life. Had we not met her I do not know where my life would have gone. My brother was a Christian and because I had nothing else to do he convinced me to go with him. I was skeptical at first, I was nervous about being around many people whom I did not know. I was pleasantly surprised to see some classmates there. Because they were going, it encouraged me to make visiting church a part of my life. I went to see acquaintances but I listened to the message, at first I felt that I couldn't connect with the message. Through the same church one of the members invited me and my brother to an international Bible study at his home. I was hesitant to go but I went anyway, I met new people there. One of the regular attendees was from Africa, his name is Dean. It was shocking because when I would return to Estonia a third time I would learn that Dean had become a pastor. At first I really questioned what we had learned from the Bible from a skeptical viewpoint. As we continued the Bible study, I learned more about the story of God and about who God is. I gained an understanding of the Bible. I purchased a Bible and dove right into reading the Old Testament. The problem was that as a Christian it is the New Testament that is the most important and I didn't quite understand what it meant to be a Christian at that point. Unfortunately at the time I was not really taking great strides in my social life so I had some difficulties. Even though I was the older brother I was dependent on my younger brother to do things for me. Unfortunately this would cause my brother to leave Tartu after the first semester. I had now lost the only person I could rely upon. I had no choice, I had to become independent or I could not survive. It was a massive step in my life because I was now all alone. I continued going to the church, the one place I had. In my brother's absence, I replaced him within a group he had established himself within. I was accepted into the group and it was led by Amalie who had a home group. I finally had a group that I could belong to. It was through this group that I met a Chinese man named Tian. Tian invited me to an international church, it was there that I found a Christian community that I felt I could belong to. It was something which I had been lacking that I would not have known about otherwise. While I was in Estonia I took advantage of the situation and I traveled around Estonia whenever I could with friends and acquaintances. To test myself I began traveling around Estonia alone to places I had not yet visited. It was a preparation for a bigger journey that I was planning. In the summer of 2011 I planned a solo trip to Germany and Ukraine. I went on the trip and it taught me much about how independent I had become. It was my first solo trip. Of course there were struggles but I was able to manage through the trip that I had planned for myself. I flew from Tallinn, Estonia to Bremen, Germany. From there I made my way to München, then to Neuschwanstein castle, then to Berlin and finally to Hamburg. From Hamburg I went to Lübeck and flew to Kyiv, Ukraine. While in Kyiv I visited Chornobyl and Pripyat. From Kyiv I went to Lviv. In Germany one could manage with English although in Ukraine few people spoke English. Either Ukrainian or Russian would have helped greatly. Because of problems with communication many complications arose but after that things worked themselves out. It was almost like Germany had been training for Ukraine. I consider this trip to be my Baptism by Fire, in that I was able to travel solo and manage well enough that I could have a great time and come back home safely. It was a life changing event and something that I was very glad that I was able to accomplish.

Unfortunately my money had run out and I had to return to Canada. Canada was not a good thing for me, I returned to my old job and my life was put on pause. As a Christian and a human being I was no longer growing; I felt as if I was wilting. My home church seemed apathetic compared to the churches I had attended in Estonia although the people were extremely friendly. I felt as if my relationship with God was being slowly severed. I had my friends and things again but what was it worth if my faith was waning and my life was going nowhere. I was also overcome by a great unhappiness and I became depressed. I returned to my home University but that really was not leading anywhere, the main reason I went back was because I was being given grants because I have Asperger's. One good thing came out of it and that was that I became interested in Forensic Anthropology. Unfortunately to earn enough money to come back to Estonia I had to work as a mover which was the worst job I have ever had. The hours were bad, the work was brutal and it was hard on the body. Because my life in Winnipeg had reached a dead end I decided to come back to Tartu. I came back to study Estonian again, this time it went much better and I was acing the class that I had previously struggled with. In fact it had become too easy. I decided to return to Amalie's church. I went back but I was as an outcast, nobody was really too happy to see me. Nobody was friendly unless you were a member of their cliques. I also returned to international church and brought my brother along with me, the pastor was happy to see me again and most people were very friendly but there were two missionaries who were shunning us and as a result we felt excluded. I was being shunned by the church, the place where I had previously belonged. I became quite bitter towards them. What kind of hypocrisy was that, Christians are supposed to love everyone especially within their community. I went through another period of depression and rage. I couldn't fathom why those who had previously accepted me were now ostracizing me. On the occasions that I visited the library I often saw Dean there. God was telling me to talk to him, eventually I asked him what it was that he was doing there. He would tell me that he was preparing sermons for his church service. It was shocking as I didn't think that I would see him again and now he was a pastor. I never really asked him about his service at the time.

I really had no friends and I started praying for God to help me to make some friends. It was later on, after Halloween that I met an American named Nicole, she was homesick and she was having trouble coping with it. It was a special day in Estonia, it was that day which Estonians visited the cemetaries to remember their ancestors. I agreed to take her to the cemetary, it was a great opportunity because I got a chance to learn about Nicole and who she was. It was an odd occasion but it was fun. That day I made a friend in Estonia, something that I had been praying for. Because she was having a lot of trouble with homesickness I did what I could and I brought her to the international church, she quickly found a home there and slowly got over her homesickness. I am so grateful that God sent her into my life because it was a mutual thing, we needed each other. God worked through both of us and allowed us to answer each other's prayers. The two missionaries accepted Nicole right away but they took a long time to finally accept my brother and I. It was after service at Amalie's church one day that they invited a bunch of us to their house, I was skeptical but I went anyway. It was after this that they truly started to accept me. It was at their house during a Christmas event that they held that I first met an Estonian woman named Triin, I got to know her a bit. It was nice to have the chance to speak in Estonian. It was odd, Amalie invited me to a youth service that her church holds once in a while. It was their last service for the year and by chance Triin was there and we ended up talking for a long time. It was nice to see someone that I knew there. In the next few weeks I would keep running into her at church service. During the Christmas service at Amalie's church I had volunteered to be the greeter for two services. At the first service, Dean invited me to his own service that would be held later on that same day. I thought about it, and as Triin was at the service too she told me that she was going to the Dean's service as she was the guitar player there. Because I didn't know where the service was, she invited me to tag along. I have learned that if someone invites you somewhere, whether to a church service or a social gathering that it should not be shunned and that you should take advantage of the situation because you never know where it will lead you. I went although I did not know what to make of the service as it was not a regular service but a dinner service. I decided that I would continue to attend Dean's church and I decided to attend his Bible study. I am extremely glad that I went to his service. His sermons have been very inspiring and helped me to grow immensely as a Christian. The combination of Dean's service and the interational service has taught me about the New Testament and I was driven to read through it to truly understand what it means to be a Christian, something which I had previously lacked. I have learned a lot through reading the Gospels and Acts. Now I am truly changing as a Christian and I am doing my best to serve where I can. I know that it was God who wanted me to go to Dean's service so that I could continue growing as a Christian and so that I can continue to build my relationship with him through Jesus Christ. I was recently invited to another church by a member of Dean's service and I know that I must continue to go because it will help me as a Christian, it will open up new opportunities and it will build my network. I am now doing what I can to serve in Dean's church, I have volunteered to be a secondary book keeper and I have volunteered to be the drummer for the band. I recently purchased a small hand drum and am attempting to learn how to play it. Such small things can have a great influence on one's life, who knows what learning to drum will do for my life? Maybe it will take me somewhere greater. It is all about seizing opportunities so that you can find your true potential and make the world a better place for everyone.

I am 26 years old now, I have overcome much of my Asperger's but as a result of having it I feel that socially, I am behind by several years. I have been slowly boosting my confidence and self-esteem through self analysis. As I consider myself to be a writer I need to be able to understand who I am first and foremost. It is great because I am starting to find the answers to the questions I have been asking myself. I have also become the brother that I never was to my younger brother. We have never been closer. Most would never suspect that I have Asperger's, when I have actually told people that I have it, they have been shocked. I am living in Tartu, Estonia and I am studying Estonian. I am hoping that next semester I can study History in Estonian, I know that I can do it if I give it everything that I've got. Even though I was never too close to my Estonian grandfather I cannot help but think that he would be overjoyed that I have returned to the land that he was forced to leave. It seems to be working out because I feel that God wants me to stay here. He is working through the people here and challenging me to grow. In God I have found a father that loves me unconditionally. If I were to compare myself to who I was many years ago I would not have believed it to be possible that I would be here. I still struggle with social anxiety. Crowds, public speaking, meeting new people and events where I know no one terrify me, but I know that when I become anxious that I am doing the right thing and I need to push on through it. I have also become a Christian, which I never thought would be a possibility for me. Just going to church I have met all kinds of people who I otherwise would never have met. I was inspired to write this testimony because pastor Dean wanted us to testify in front of the people in a church in Otepää. It was more than a little nerve wracking because I dislike public speaking, paired with the fact that I was speaking only in Estonian which I do not feel very confident with. I am so glad to have had the opportunity because I know that I would not have simply volunteered to testify. It is in those moments that you can truly grow and learn things about yourself. It is then that you can find your true potential and you have no idea where such things can lead you. He told me that it is important to testify as something as small as a testimony can greatly affect someone's life for the better. If my story can touch at least one person's life and change it for the better, then I have done a great service. Thinking about it. When I am ready and when I have learned enough, if I am called to preach then I will gladly do it.
I didn't go out searching for God, but God found me.