Is there a way to feel differently than I do?

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I haven't really felt great in a while. Like not a stable great. Its always so tense. I'm hoping my medication can help. I've been taking it consistently. For me I just have a bad feeling a lot. Sometimes I just cant relax.

Lately I feel like I've been causing household tension. I talk too much sometimes and I'm not easy to get along with a lot of the time. I just feel like I cannot control my emotions. I try. Does abilify help with that? They told me it was for my paranoid thoughts. I dont know how paranoid they think I am. I'm not feeling it right now. I guess its working.

I want to feel "normal". I want to not have so much anxiety. I want to be able to do things. I want to feel mature I want to be independent. I want to not feel shame. I really wish I could hold a conversation better. Either I ramble or I dont say the right things. People think I'm weird or odd, I know it.

I want to fit in better but masking hasn't seemed to work. Its exhausting and it made me feel worse. It's hard to fit in with people because I feel anxious around people and I think I also make them feel uncomfortable. I feel lonely though and I want friends. I'm just not big on social events.