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Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think
Posted on Monday, April 16 @ 15:50:30 EDT by | 
The following column by Jeffrey Deutsch is part of his "It Gets Better" series on Wrong Planet.
One thing that Aspies so often suffer from is bullying. People picking
on them, insulting them, vandalizing or stealing their stuff, even
spitting on and hitting them when they can't fight back.
I've been there, done that and gotten the T-shirt.
One of the worst things about being bullied is the fear. Fear that
something could happen at any time. Being afraid that everyone will
see how weak you are.
Having no control over anything. Being *helpless*.
And that happens with a great deal of bullying.
Read Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think
Thing is, sometimes we have a great deal more power than we know.
Sometimes getting around in this world is a bit like a kid trying to
fly an airplane. You can barely stay in the air with all the other
planes around you, going their merry way.
But once you take some time and study your controls, and then practice
using different ones and seeing what happens each time, you can
harness your flying power.
Back when I was a kid, I saw the movie "My Bodyguard," about a kid,
Clifford who goes to a new school and gets bullied by the school's
tough guy, "Big M" Moody. Then I read the book - basically the same
story. Moody's a bad guy who uses violence to get his way, including
extorting kids' lunch money. (In fact, he's played by a tough guy
straight from Central Casting - Matt Dillon - just to make sure we get
the message. Dillon's tone and manner brought to this villain what
black hats did in earlier times.)
Ever hear the saying "You never get a second chance to make a good
first impression?" First impressions are very important. And where art
imitates life, as here it certainly does, you can predict a good deal
by looking at what happens the first time two people interact.
When Clifford meets "Big M," he asks whether the M stands for Mouth.
(In the book, he says "M & M - good stuff for little kids!") Way to
go, Clifford.
Keep in mind that this isn't just one situation - this is a work meant
to speak to kids everywhere. Remember, Clifford's (and everyone
else's) every line is specified by the screenwriter, author, etc. This
book and movie were trying to tell us something.
Were they trying to show Clifford as being mainly to *blame*? No.
Again, Big M isn't just some guy who doesn't like being made fun of.
he's literally a professional (albeit for the moment small-time)
criminal. And Clifford doesn't call him anything that can't be
repeated here on a family website - keep in mind that the movie is
rated PG.
So yes, Big M was very wrong. *But he wasn't unprovoked.*
They were trying to tell us that you can reduce the crap that flies
your way by not generating any yourself. Not making fun of someone's
name is a good and cheap way to avoid trouble. You might have heard
the saying "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Prime
example.
In my case, negative example. In junior high school, I teased another
kid, calling him "Ravioli" - a variant on his name. He responded by
attacking me multiple times, and not verbally either. Was he wrong? Of
course.
Was he acting *randomly*? Nope. As far as I know, I was the only kid
he attacked. (In fact, one day after punching me he strode into a
class he shared...to cheers and clapping from some of the other kids.)
If I had it to do over again, would I still call him "Ravioli"? Hell no.
Knowledge is power. And with both, it gets better.
Jeff Deutsch is an Aspie, who draws on his decades of Home-based Experiential Lifelong Learning (HELL) to help fellow Aspies better relate to NTs and vice versa. Now happily married to Emily, an NT who first told him about Asperger Syndrome (AS), he gives inspirational talks, group training for Aspies and also for Aspies' families' and partners' support groups, employers, service providers, first responders and others, and individual life coaching for both Aspies and NTs. He helps Aspies better get along with NTs, and NTs better recognize and deal with Aspies, on the job, through social situations, in personal relationships and other aspects of daily life.
After graduating from high school, and then Cornell University less than three years later, Jeff subsequently earned his M.A. and Ph.D. from George Mason University. Years later, at the age of 38, he was diagnosed with AS by both a counselor and a psychiatrist.
Jeff's practice, A SPLINT (ASPies Linking with NTs), is registered in the State of Maryland.
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Meistersinger Monday, January 28 @ 13:13:30 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I've never really been bullied until very recently. Turns out the guy I shared a house with was more concrete than I was in his thinking. (he was also schizophrenic, alcoholic, and smoked way too much marijuana.). His mother, who he lived with, is a very nice Christian woman. Being that they were black, he accused me of not having black friends. Excuse me? My best friend from college is black. Just because I don't speak to him every day doesn't mean I don't have black friends. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Meistersinger Monday, January 28 @ 13:13:39 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I've never really been bullied until very recently. Turns out the guy I shared a house with was more concrete than I was in his thinking. (he was also schizophrenic, alcoholic, and smoked way too much marijuana.). His mother, who he lived with, is a very nice Christian woman. Being that they were black, he accused me of not having black friends. Excuse me? My best friend from college is black. Just because I don't speak to him every day doesn't mean I don't have black friends. |
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And what about those who don't provoke a situation? (Score: 1)
by pensieve Monday, April 16 @ 19:06:03 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I hardly said a word in school, especially to other kids. Yet people still felt they had a reason to despise me. I was not beaten up or verbally abused because I was not around to be. I would wander the school yard at lunchtime and never stick around long enough around people to have any idea what they thought about me. I was so in my world that I didn't know when people were making fun of me. I still had people that hated me for hardly any reason. There were a few occasions when a particular girl would say negative comments to me and I'd not understand why.
Some kids, especially those of us on the spectrum, are bullied without even needing to open our mouths. We're picked on because we have no back up and look weak to bullies who probably have some issue in their life that makes them feel insecure so they take it on on those weaker than them.
My brother actually bullied me the most at school. To him it was play but I never wanted to be picked off the ground and defenceless, so it was bullying. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by momsparky Monday, April 16 @ 20:03:26 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | One of the problems I have with the current anti-bullying campaign is that bullying is only rarely as simple as aggressor vs victim. Most often, bullying is an entire system of behavior, with everyone: victim, bully, bystanders, playing a role. This is not to say that the victims are at fault, but it is to say that isolating the bully as the problem - or, even, isolating the bystanders as is happening lately - will change the system. More than likely, what happens is new victims, new bullies and new bystanders step into the same roles.
I believe that I was bullied because the other kids had no tools with which to handle me. I was very literal, and they thought the frequent miscommunication this caused were deliberate. I was very rules-bound, and they thought (legitimately) I was a rat. I'd miss cues from them: cues for friendship, cues that I'd bored them, cues that I was supposed to reciprocate a compliment - and they thought I was stuck-up, inane and cruel. I'm an adult now, and I realize that those girls were not inherently evil: they've grown up to be contributing members of society and probably have no idea how much they hurt me.
Kids have to learn the skills of handling conflict, even when the conflict isn't direct: they have to be taught appropriate ways of dealing with people who bother them. This goes for bully, victim and bystander. We tell kids all the time to be tolerant, but we don't tell them how. While there is no excuse for those girls tormenting me the way they did, it was an expression of their frustration that's common with kids who lack these skills.
Today, in an ideal world, I might have received pragmatic speech lessons or social skills classes. A teacher might have stepped in and helped us negotiate the missed cues. Maybe there would have been a disability/difference program for the whole school to help kids understand what was going on. Those girls might have been taught to expect odd behavior from me, and to understand that my intentions were harmless.
I hope that the kids that come after us get these desperately needed resources: the victims aren't the only ones who are hurt by bullying. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by aussiebloke Monday, April 16 @ 20:28:08 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Home schooling how can you argue otherwise ? |
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Entrenched bullying situation very difficult to respond to. (Score: 1)
by AardvarkGoodSwimmer Monday, April 16 @ 20:34:53 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | |
Okay, very serious topic, let's get started. If a person is the recipient of bullying it's far more difficult to change that situation than to avoid bullying in the first place. And there are a lot of luck factors in this whole thing, including how a person gets targeted in the first place. Sometimes it's merely being different, including in ways hard to put a finger on like those of us on the spectrum.
One thing, often it's easier to defend and stand up for someone else. For example, something as simple as "she seems okay to me" or "he's an alright guy, or "that sh.t ain't cool" (and yes, the matter-of-fact profanity helps), sometimes that's all it takes. With you defending yourself, the dynamic plays different. So, not as just one more obligation, but as an opportunity, if the energy feels right, consider standing up for someone else. Also sometimes gives you a kind of street cred where you are less likely to be bullied.
But here we get to the example of percentage baseball, and no one thing always works. There are better percentage plays and lower percentage plays, and through it all a goodly percentage of just plain luck.
Again, entrenched bullying is very difficult. I think it's serious enough to consider moving to your grandparents and going to a school in their area, or an Aunt or Uncle. And then in six months or a year, hopefully you can move back to your current school, and then if you matter-of-factly stand up for yourself twice, that will be the end of it. You'll no longer be a favorite target. No guarantees of course.
A little bit you want the James Coburn cowboy attitude, don't particularly give a damn one way or the other. That combined with pulling someone along when they are a builder.
Then I advocate boxing lessons and tight, defensive boxing to a draw, with someone your own size, and even then you'll win some, you'll lose some. I am not advocating fighting. The zen of it all is that if you have a baseline of confidence a fight actually becomes less likely. And you kind of want to pretend to have the attitude of, you want to go a few rounds, we can go a few rounds, no big deal. Almost like a form of mild self-hynosis. Now, do I believe in this attitude? No. But I think that is the advantageous attitude to temporarily have. Now, the part about preferring a draw, I think that's a little touch of genius and I'm kind of proud of that part. You're not trying to humiliate someone you're likely to see again. You graciously accept a draw. (In fact, I wished this carried in international relations more.) If you happen to "win" the fight, graciously accept that, too, without boasting and without allowing other people to boast on your behalf. Maybe say to someone you overhear talking on your behalf, "I'm sorry it came to that. It's over. Let's not make a big deal about it." If you "lose," I guess graciously accept that, too. But really, a boring draw is almost the best outcome. And please don't take a bunch of blows to the head during training because all that stuff about post-concussion syndrome, and even cumulative lesser blows, is largely true. Just say to the instructor, "I don't want to take a bunch of blows to the head," and if he or she is not hip to it at this point, get another instructor. For me, what often works is one or two private lessons, then practicing some stuff on my own, then maybe some more private lessons. And you might be amazed what you can learn in just a few weeks, including good blocks and strong defense, and the money shot is the upward hook shot to the ribs. But let the person preserve their dignity. If they back off, let them back off. They might never acknowledge how much you hurt them. That's okay. Let it be perceived as a draw. And one more thing on the importance of brain safety, just like it's been found that football helmets don't really protect, presumably neither does boxing headgear.
And use us here at Wrong Planet as a resource. We do have a variety of good experience. At least we can somewhat see where you're coming from, most of the time. And anything past that is a bonus, how's that for a little zen flourish ;>)
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by questor Monday, April 16 @ 21:06:28 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I do agree that we shouldn't provoke others, but it was very rare for me to provoke people when I was growing up. I was preyed on too much myself, and didn't want to deal with the response from anyone I might provoke. I tended to avoid other kids, because they didn't like me anyway, and would use my being with them as an opportunity to bother me.
I didn't have a real solution for dealing with those who tormented me when I was growing up, but I do now. I recommend that any parents of Asperger's kids get them into martial arts training. If you are already an adult, and still being abused by others, take the courses yourself.
Once the nasties know you can, and if necessary, will defend yourself, they will be less likely to bother you. Just make sure you let the school know that you have authorized your child to defend him/herself if attacked, and that you will come down on the school like a ton of bricks with a lawyer and lawsuit if they try to make trouble for your kid for defending him/herself. Remind the school that everyone has the right to defend themselves, and that the school staff isn't always present when an incident happens.
Sure it would be nice if we could all sit around singing "Kumbaya", but nasty people aren't into being nice and friendly. If they were they wouldn't be nasty, now would they? They are into the power trip they get by being mean to other people. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by LennytheWicked Tuesday, April 17 @ 07:07:16 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Yeah, but what about when people start calling you 'weird' because you draw in class or 'retarded' because you tell them not to be snotty to you during class?
Kids attack unprovoked all the time. :I |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by LabPet Tuesday, April 17 @ 12:31:12 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.wrongplanet.net/ | | Thanks for much for this article and bullying certainly applies to adult Aspies as well. From what I've learned on the Wrong Planet (& through my own experiences with being bullied), please know that you have powers more than what you can imagine. For all those Aspies who've been badly hurt - your are not accountable for the reckless/violent behaviour of those bullies. I have ultimate confidence in Aspies and our power to overcome obstacles that another could not. But being aware of bullying, and being proactive, can alleviate the pain. I think bullying is an issue that is overlooked with respect to AS and we all need to get serious about dealing with bullying in schools and the workplace. Oftentimes, from those I've met on the WP, the bully wins - that's so unfair. I think now we all need to show others who/what Autism/AS is so our way of appreciated too. We have so much to contribute in this world - let us.
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Konstans Tuesday, April 17 @ 13:36:58 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I was bullied at school, but I though everyone experienced this, so, in a way I coped, thinking I was not alone and got through it all. Every day I was bullied, one way or another. It was not strange as I probably was the weiredest kid at school, not yet managing to adapting to the normal behaviour.
Years later I realized that it was normal not to be bullied.
I am glad I did not realize this at the time, I guess I would not been alive today.
Every day I was sad, and sometimes I cried myself silently to sleep, making sure not to wake my mum. (My father was a saylor).
Instinctly, I protected her from my sufferings, as I felt she had a hard time coping on her own in a time when every family had a father that came home till dinnertime every day.
When I began on college, I decided to change it all and used countless of hours in front of the vcr watching comedies, learning cool lines and perfect timing. After I memorized a couple of thousand lines, I was ready for the world. I had a catchy line for every occation and added a spice of my own weird lines and my co-students couldn't stop laughing.
It was a great success and with multiple lines ready at any occation and the fact that I managed to alter them or adjust to almost any occation almost lead to me working as a radio host.
Unfortunally, I panic when I am to adress a big audience, so I chickened out and never became a radio profile. :-(
Anyway, this shows that there are many ways to battle bullying. I think humour is one of the better ways. Noone choose to bully a funny guy or someone with a quick line to fit any occation.
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Evinceo Tuesday, April 17 @ 17:54:11 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Sounds a lot like something that happened when I was in school, except I won the ensuing fight. That pretty much stopped the bullying. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by edgewaters Wednesday, April 18 @ 02:22:41 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I hate the way this is framed as a children's issue. Bullies exist in the adult world every bit as much as in the schoolyard. The only difference is that they become much more sophisticated, and because many of them are backed up by society, often far less restrained. I don't know what else you can call predatory economics, terrorism, rape, police brutality, warmongering, violent crime, etc. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by techstepgenr8tion Thursday, April 19 @ 22:56:05 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | The challenge when I was growing up was this: just being *different* is enough, the socially abrasive brand of different isn't even a requirement. |
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Bullying (Score: 1)
by JonAZ Saturday, April 21 @ 13:23:44 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.manyperceptions.org | | Thank you much for your responses. This reminds me that I need to be vigilant for these behaviors as both a teacher and a parent.
I will suggest the following. There are some schools where teachers ritualistically degrade each other. There are some schools where teachers form cliques. The students learn the behaviors from the teachers and the parents.
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Awiddershinlife Monday, April 23 @ 16:47:55 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I agree that we aspies have a lot to learn while we live in an intolerant culture that tends to 'rub out' nonconformists.
That being said, I grew up in the 1950s when people could defend themselves. I was a tough little cookie who no one dared interfer with. However, there was lots of bullying going around to people who were nicer than I was. I didn't get bullied until I was an adult in the work place.
As an adult I worked in a school that required every teacher to become profient in "responsive classroom" techniques. It was the foundation of a tolerant culture. It was wonderful for not only the kids, but the tolerance for difference was extended to staff as well. Needless to say, this school was fully inclusive (sp.ed kids were not isolated in jim crow classrooms)
Bullying solutions are need to be discussed globally and enacted locally. Intollerance for difference is the basis. We will always be a little wierd and therefore vulnerable. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Happyfather Sunday, April 29 @ 03:38:44 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | What should parent do if your kid is targeted by a bully [www.nurithen.com] ? Make sure that even if your child wants revenge on the abuser for their constructive options, such as expressing anger in a positive way, such as sports, physical activities, drawing and making art. Teach your kid that he has the right to say no to a bully. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by nola Tuesday, May 29 @ 12:31:57 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I've been bullied several times, as a kid and more recently at work. Ouch...
I've always been proud not to be a part of any group. Well that's not entirely true, as a child it was hard not being accepted. But now that I am older, I can see that it gave me the opportunity to develop my own ideas and do things my way which is very nice. And yet I have friends, and great ones too.
But I used to be alone a lot and bullies spot that "quality" about someone like they have a radar for it. They know you will not join them, so in a way you are challenging their system (think communist in a capitalist country, or the opposite). They may feel threatened by you, just because you function differently, especially if norms and codes are very strong in your environment (school, community).
I always found some comfort in the thought that I may get hurt, but at least I am not contributing to a system I despise. But, in a way, I am. If I accept to be the victim, I am contributing to that system. If I rebel against it, I am still part of it by becoming the ennemy. ... so what is left? Well I can always try and say "It's an interesting game, you're good at it. But I am not playing."
Like, for example, someone is teasing you, you stay very calm and you tell them they are very cool (or pretty, or strong, or they smell nice, or whatever is the opposite of what they are throwing at you). Not ironically (that takes a bit of practice), not aggressively, just stay neutral. It's a statement that they made their point (because when they say you're a loser, they basically just claim that they're not) and also a statement that you could not care less about being cool therefore, yes, they win. But that doesn't mean that you lose.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that just because I don't care about something (being popular, for example) it doesn't mean it cannot be very important to someone else. Genuinely important, and therefore respectable too. There I agree with the article that "knowledge is power": you have to know what is important to the person in front of you, and show them that you do.
Anyway, I'm not saying this technique works in any situation, but it does in most and whenever I try it I feel a little better about myself and a lot less angry and powerless.
This said, if it fails, you have to move to plan B - and that's where boxing lessons might come in handy because no one should mess with you. Really.
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Freak-Z Monday, May 21 @ 11:18:30 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | More victim blaming crap here, what a surprise. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Givemetaco Tuesday, May 08 @ 21:50:54 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I've been experiencing bully all my life until this 2nd semester in 10th grade. of course, I would usually report it if i was physical injured by one. But I was able to find out the trick.
Obviously their is many reason for bullying but I think the common one is for fun,tease or make you give a threatening reaction.
One day, these two freshman kids kept telling me that my artwork in computer graphics were gay and I would try to change it as much as I could. That went on for couple of days. Then they heard that I was Mormon. One of them said "hey your a Mormon? F U F U F U! hey aren't you offended?"
I simply just said yes. Just a plain old boring yes and then I went back to my work and that's when they realized that I'm no fun anymore to tease around with.
Right now we are kinda like friends. I joke with them sometimes. I just defend myself by not heavily reacting. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by DragonB Thursday, July 26 @ 20:03:32 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I talk alot in class and am called nerd but I just say "thank you". |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Beautifulpainting Monday, July 30 @ 21:16:38 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | In due fashion, I am actually FOR bullying. The only way I realized things was when they were shoved into my face due to being so highly distracted, and so. In a shallow view, within those aspies that learn from hardship-exclusively, I found bullying as highly educational, likely the most important part of growing up, and likely to help those specific genre of aspies that have to be kicked to know what a foot is. I tried to bully a few people myself once I was at that point of holding this ability but I gave them all gifts within minutes of doing so and cried about it telling them "I was trying really hard to bully you about this, and Im sorry."
SO. Not good to hold any positions about bullying for me. Also, I poured many a few drinks on people, including an XXL Dr Pepper, on this one kid for bullying my friend. He liked the attention, so. Win-win. Bullying isnt All bad.
I KNOW, Yesss, 80% of it is bad for people who view it and experience it in this matter (which is mass majority of population), but some people do enjoy some hard core debates and learning and feistyness. Id bet more than a few aspies do. Cant be alone with that. I called a girl Estee STD in high school. I was f-ing right too. Sorry? Yes. But it added color to the boredom of everybodies lives. Sometimes things Should be spicy, on occasion. But I like this author/writer/articuler, "if you cant take the heat, get out of the kitchen" is very food tool to use! |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by BuyerBeware Friday, August 24 @ 10:06:23 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | My only problem with the doctrine of non-provocation is that, especially it seems as you grow older (at least if you are female in my part of the country), "non-provocation" becomes a matter of identifying the bully immediately, making every effort to read his/her mind, and, to be very blunt indeed, utterly and completely kissing his/her (more often her) ass.
I have had this problem with my stepmom's sister. Because I refused to hand over my father's estate and simply agree that I am an evil, demonic human being and disappear, she has hounded and harassed me, my husband, my aunt, and my grandmothers for going on two years now.
The only thing I could have done to "not provolk" her would have been to lie down and allow her to run over me completely unresisted. As it is, about a dozen people have told me I've been too understanding, too kind, too non-provocational...
...and yet I and my family still find ourselves targeted at every opportunity.
Do you advocate accepting the idea that we are by default inferior human beings who must simply accept being pounded down if we dare to raise our eyes from the ground?? |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by itzybitzyspyder Wednesday, September 26 @ 19:40:44 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I wasn't diaqgnosed as having Asperger's as a kid, but there were kids who would try to bully me. They didn't know where I was from. You see, I grew up in group homes and orphanages. If you allowed yourself to be bullied it wouldn't stop. I was smart enough to go to public schools, but not socially adept enough to make friends or fit in. I moved a lot and always seemed to be the new guy. My first week there was always the same archetype. Big guy. Territorial. Classic bully. What they never expect is a kick to the balls as soon as they saunter up. I would yell in their face that if they even looked at me I would catch them in the hall. I would always get three or so days in-school suspension, but they bullies would leave me alone. I graduated in '94 and they really didn't start diagnosing Asperger's til '95 (I've done a bit of research). I emancipated myself from the state at 17 and as a grown up I've prevented five attempted robberies. One was at gunpoint. Don't ever let somebody think they have the right to push you around. There won't always be some one there to save you. |
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Re: Bullying - You Have More Power Than You Think (Score: 1)
by Ashmedai Saturday, October 20 @ 10:55:05 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | While I wasn't bullied much in school myself, I did witness quite a bit of bullying. However, I can't recall a single instance where the kids being bullied "provoked" it, other than being different and merely existing. Far from saying anything inappropriate to their attackers, most of them were too afraid and intimidated to say anything at all, not even in their own defense.
I get the impression the gist of this article can be summed up in three words: blame the victims.
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